Handhold? Im at breaking point

[codenameduchess]

I feel like I'm being crushed.

Finally went to a gp yesterday about the anxiety I've been trying to deal with. I'm slowly drowning and don't know what to do. Gp has recommended talking therapy for anxiety and to investigate ocd tendencies. it's a self referral with a wait list. I don't know if I can carry on as I am.

Today my toddler has been just fucking awful, she hates me, she's awful to me and has wound me up so much this morning I've asked dh to take her out for a few hours away from me. I can't handle the screaming and hitting anymore... it started at 6:30 and was still going when they left at 8.

Obviously as soon as she knew I wasn't going the screaming for mummy started and I heard dh say 'mummy doesn't want to come with you today', what kind of thing is that to say to a 3 year old!

So I'm sitting on the floor ugly crying, because I'm a failure at everything. My daughter hates me and is so badly behaved I can't even have a day out with her, I don't like my husband and I think he knows it because he shows no affection or support, my job is a joke and I have no one to talk to.

Handholding from me . How old is your DD? If it helps at all, my DS (3.5) is the same. Always asks for Dada.

Well done for going to the gp. It’s a big and difficult step.

I think you know deep down that a 3 year old isn’t capable of hating anyone, not least you. But she will push all your buttons and test boundaries enough that it will feel that way.

And I don’t know how your DH feels about you but what he said was uncalled for! Maybe he’s also in a bad place? It doesnt sound like you’re in a good enough place to figure things out with him and you need to focus on you.

Can you afford to see a counsellor or therapist privately? It sounds like you need real life support quickly.

You are not a failure. Your DD is just being a 3 year old, its no reflection on you. Well done on going to your GP, that is a good first step. Things will get better, you may just need to hang in there for a bit until they do.

She's 3.5 too @BinJuice always been a daddy's girl but I've noticed she actively playing us off against each other lately! Sorry your ds is the same, it's shit!

Thanks.... it's taken 5 years to get there! Not sure the talking therapy will actually happen though, our services are shockingly underfunded and understaffed.

@Sohardtochooseausername I know really she can't 'hate' me, but I'm not sure she actually likes me. If I speak to her she'll shout at me to get away it say she doesn't like me. I know they push boundaries but its hard to be pushed.

DH is being a dick today, he's just called to let me know the class they were going to isn't on today. Fair enough, I didn't know, so I asked if they were coming home and he said no and hung up. I'm supposed to be tidying the house and doing a food shop but I can't even bring myself to stand up.

I've been in your shoes, sobbing on the floor in complete desparation. It was horrible and I can absolutely empathise with what you're going through.

I'm pretty sure your toddler doesn't hate you and neither does your husband, you just think that because of how you're feeling. Try to remember that toddlers can be trying arseholes at times anyway and yours may be reflecting on the anxiety she's picking up on. Your husband probably just doesn't know what to do to make the situation better for you. My DP couldn't understand why I felt the way I did and he hated the fact he couldn't make me feel better with kind words. We both know it doesn't work like that. He became frustrated and withdrew because he didn't know what to do for the best.

You've done the right thing referring yourself to talking therapy. Try to keep communicating with your husband, even if it feels like he doesn't understand. He will want you to feel better more than you know. You may feel that the anxiety is here to stay but it's not. While I waited for talking therapy I downloaded a wellbeing app with breathing exercises, I felt useless at first but it really did help in the meantime. You will get there.

I would recommend trying to go private if you can or if anyone in your family can help. Can be around £50/hour for a psychotherapist. You can also get income-based counselling services in some areas from counsellors who are finishing off their training for example or there are sometimes local charities that can provide this.

There are also some good apps for managing anxiety. I can PM a list if you like.

Can you pick a moment when you and your DP are less stressed e.g. when your DD has gone to bed to explain how you are feeling.

Anxiety is an illness just like having a broken leg so getting some treatment and looking after yourself as you would when physically ill is really important.

The favoured parent never seems to understand how it feels, do they? My ante-natal group started talking on fb a few days ago about our 3.5 year olds and the boundary pushing and there are well over 100 comments saying HOLY FUCK I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST US. I know you are worrying about other things too but maybe it helps that you are certainly not alone there.

@smerlin a list would be great thanks

Dh doesn't know I've seen a gp about it. I tried to talk to him about how it feeling a couple of weeks ago and he told me to stop being dramatic and attention seeking. I don't have a lot of friendships, most of the adults I talk to are work people or mums of DDs friends.

private is probably the answer, I know I can claim some back through a cash back plan.

Oh god I must be a state, the aloof cat has just licked me... the only other time she's done that is the day my dad died!

@BinJuice it's so good to hear it's not just her! When I talk to her friends parents they say their kids have tantrums but they seem much less intense and frequent than my tiny hulk!

Hang in there, anxiety is shit.

The things that helped me most were...
Running 3 times a week. Sounds ridiculous but honestly think starting to run saved my life in a very dark patch. The couch to 5k podcasts are great if you’re just starting out. It allowed me to get outside, have half an hour totally to myself, and see myself visibly improving at something in a really straightforward, tangible way (great when your brain has decided you’re shit at everything and nothing will get better). Feeling my heart pumping and my lungs pulling in oxygen made me feel like my body really wanted me to live when my brain was telling me I wanted to die, too - which sounds dramatic written down but is also honest, and really helped me work my way out of the dark. Plus you get a healthy heart, banging legs and a perky bum out of the bargain too.

Mindfulness meditation, which made me feel like a dick but I just stuck with it anyway and it gradually helped. There’s a free app called ‘insight timer’ with loads of guided meditations on. Look for mindfulness/body scan type ones.

Decent talking therapy. I was really lucky to get seen within 2 weeks on the NHS (I think they thought I might be a suicide risk) and it was fab. While I waited, I phoned some work-based helplines, but the Samaritans would do the job too - just to say things out loud and tell yourself you actually deserve support can be powerful (at the time, I felt guilty for phoning and for getting the counselling because I thought I wasn’t ill enough/was just making a fuss/was taking resources from someone that needed them. When I look back, I was really unwell and definitely needed and benefitted from the help)

Good luck. It is shit:you are not shit and you can and will get through it!

Apps for anxiety in case anyone else reading this thread wants to try. Not sure if all are available on both Android and iOS.

WellMind
What's Up
Self-Help for Anxiety Management
Fear Tools Anxiety Kit

As PP has said getting some physical exercise, ideally outdoors, even if it is taking your DD for a walk round the park, and mindfulness (Headspace, Calm...) are all proven to combat anxiety and depression.

Thank you everyone,

I've taken your advice and dragged myself to the gym with my comfort playlist (songs I can cocoon and loose myself in). I'll have a look at some apps too, I feel awful for yelling at DD earlier.