Why am I so fucked up in the head?

[TimeToRevolutionize]

I think I am seriously getting delusional and mental. I have realised that I am very messed up in my head and I need help! For the last few months.. well in fact, it has been years now! I have noticed that I don't act like an adult. I act like an immature brat, such as I always act out on stupid things. For example, my husband who goes to see his children but I hate it when he goes and sees them! I don't know what it is, but I really wish he'd cut them out of his life and focus on me and our DS... I KNOW this is wrong, and I KNOW this is vindictive and horrible but I can't help how I feel! That's how I am feeling and I fucking hate it!

I am showing signs of other mental health problems as well. For example, I hate waking up in the mornings and wish I could sleep all day. I accuse my DH of everything, I always shout at him and I am very short tempered and lose my rag with him at the slightest thing. If he tells me how to do something for instance (even though I know how to), I just lose it and get angry and walk out of the room before I blow my top off.

I am constantly thinking thoughts in my head about running away, about leaving everything behind and starting afresh. I can't believe this is how I am now. Before, I was most loving and caring person you'd ever know and would do anything for anyone! But now I am spiteful, horrible and I don't show any remorse or care about anyone except myself. I am terrified of admitting this to GP! I am not right in the head but I just don't know how I can stop feeling this way! I really don't want to medicate but if that's what it will come to then it looks like I will have to!

Doesn't help that my family have a history of depression, bipolar and schizophrenia.

OP I know where you are coming from, I am worried that my mental health problems might rub off on my daughter on day.

But after 45 years I am finally getting a handle on it, I spoke to my doctor who referred me for counseling, speaking to someone is the first step. Speaking to someone who does not know you from adam helps as they are impartial.

Do not be scared of talking to your GP they are there to help, I have to admit that I do not take medication other than proparonol when my anxiety is through the roof but other than that I use herbal alternatives like Valerian which calms me and helps me to have a good nights sleep.

When i feel like i am going to rip my DP's head off, I go for a nice long walk, it is amazing how fresh air and just a walk around the block can calm you down.

You have to speak to your doctor, they will not judge you but help you.

You need to go to the GP straight away. I was like this & like you knew deep inside I needed the help but remember it’s the Illness thats telling you don’t go! I started taking the meds & started to feel so much better a few weeks later. When I realised that it was my brain that was being so awful to my husband & not him being a total loser I sat and cried at all the nasty things I had said to him.

The doctor will completely understand, good luck

@Beaverhausen thank you for your reply! Much appreciated. I had counselling many years ago but I didn't feel that it helped me at all. I only went to about 4 sessions and I was getting nothing from it so I stopped going and just carried on feeling this way but it has definitely got worse since reaching adulthood. I am in my late 20s now.

@housewifeoflittleitaly I am going to call them Monday. It's going to be so hard making that call and telling the GP everything. I am seriously worried about what they'll say and tell me that it is normal but I know deep inside that I am not normal and my head is really messed up :( what medication are you on if you don't mind me asking? Good to hear you are feeling better now
I agree that I think I am being horrible to my husband and sometimes I shout at my DS who is only 2. It really hurts my heart that I can do such a thing

I am 40mg a day of Fluxotine it’s not for everyone but it’s the best for me. Don’t get me wrong I still have very bad days/weeks (like this one) but I can now see that I’ll come out the other side of it eventually.

DH has been very patient with me & understands it not really me. It’s a like I just cant control my reactions when I forget to take my tablets for a few days, I become an absolute dragon.

Good luck to you and keep us updated.

@housewifeoflittleitaly I wish my husband was understanding. I tell him how I feel but he just says I have no reason to be feeling like this and that I am normal and OK... he is really not sympathetic at all! He thinks he is the only one who is allowed to feel depressed and suffer because of his previous marriage (dissolved due to infidelity)