I keep thinking about dying

[SausageSimon]

I say dying because I'm not suicidal as such, I just get thoughts that I wish I would die.

I'm painfully lonely and dissatisfied with my life. I have the most wonderful DS and I'm crying because I feel guilty for being so miserable when I have him in my life. It makes me feel he deserves better and it breaks my heart to imagine him knowing how I feel.

I really struggle to make friends and men couldn't be less interested in me. This isn't a recent thing, I've been much happier and better looking so it isn't like my misery is keeping people away.

I think I may be autistic which could explain my lack of meaningful relationships.

I don't know why I'm posting, I do this every now and then when I'm feeling at my lowest as I have no one in real life I can confide in.

I have lovely parents but my brother takes advantage and I think this is what's set me off tonight as I got angry with him and my parents defended him despite them telling me in private how they feel. They'd be crushed if they knew how I was feeling tonight.

I don't feel compatible with life, like there's something I'm missing and can't quite catch on to. I just pray my son finds life easier than I do

Oh gosh, I don’t have lots of words of wisdom but I couldn’t leave without saying I’m so sorry you feel this way. Your son absolutely deserves you, and your love for him is the best thing for him. I have had periods of feeling so low, it’s awful.
Have you tried talking to a professional? Sending

I really appreciate your post @Twerking9to5 I've been on tablets for anxiety since January and things finally improved enough for me to gradually come off them. I'm near the end of the lowest dose so maybe that could be partly why I'm feeling this way. Although that doesn't change how empty my life is.

I'm so envious of people with a small close group of friends and long term boyfriends. I'm not materialistic or asking for the world, I just wish I could make meaningful relationships. I'm happy being alone at times but right now it feels unbearable.

Just having somewhere to let this all out helps a lot

Perhaps you’re not ready to come off your meds just yet? Would you consider staying on them? I’ve been on ADs for about 3 years at varying levels. Kept thinking “oh I’m ok now” and weaning myself off (which I know I shouldn’t do!!), only to realise I wasn’t quite ready.

How old is your little boy?

Just had a thought - I recently read bryony Gordon’s book about mental health (she’s really relatable and quite funny). She set up walking groups around the country where you can turn up and just chat to others without fear of judgement. It might not be your thing, but have a look here and see what you think:

mentalhealthmates.co.uk

I completely relate to your post. I have a beautiful family, 3 children, 2 of them have asd. Deep down I've always known that I felt different from everybody else too. I found that I was constantly masking my inner self when around others and it was making me exhausted.

After a recent house move (lovely new home) I should of been happy but I hit rock bottom and spent days in my bedroom and all I could think about was dying, I finally told my husband all my inner feelings that I'd been struggling with (I couldn't actually do it face to face) so I wrote them down. I then went to the doctor and told them too.

After seeing a physiatrist she confirmed she's pretty sure it's asd and is sending me for a formal diagnosis!
I feel elated inside and strangely I have felt able to be my Real self since hearing that.
Obviously there's more going on than just social awkwardness but if you feel that you may have autistic tendencies then I definitely suggest you follow it up, even if it's just to accept yourself x

You could be right @Twerking9to5 I was feeling much better as I reduced the amount but now it's coming to stopping altogether I'm struggling so I'm tempted to stay on the lower dose for now.
Thank you for the link that sounds great! I'll have a look into it

@springhappy thank you for your post, it really helps to hear of someone feeling the same. I've always been too worried to approach my GP about it because I feel like they'll think I'm attention seeking. But come to think of it I've felt this way on and off for 7 years now.
Was this just through the NHS?
I feel like an ASD diagnosis would really make sense and I think I could accept myself as I am instead of always battling to be like everyone else. It just makes me sad because I feel alienated and no matter how much I try I'm still here alone.

I feel like I only have the people who must be in my life, like I'm close to my parents and my son but they haven't chosen me IYSWIM?

How're you finding things now? Do you find things are less up and down? I feel like I'm constantly switching from happy to miserable

@springhappy can I please ask how the psychiatrist came to that decision? And what sort of signs and symptoms you have?

The other signs are were literal thinking that I've always had, my Mum and other family members always say they struggle to talk to me as I get offended too easy and miss the big picture so to speak. I have extreme paranoia about everything. I overthink others thoughts all the time.
I spent a lot of my childhood in a fantasy world that I created as an escape from reality. I love my children so much but still feel detached from everybody!not depressed just detached.

Also I've always had severe anxiety and it's not just on a few things is general anxiety about everything.
I have no friends, I never try to make any because I find it too hard to socialise with them. To be honest I almost always end up offending people and they move on. As I've got older I kind of feel like it's getting harder to cover up how I am inside. Also I have a few sensory issues mainly over sense of smell but nothing Major.
I get super obsessed with one topic or activity at a time and I switch off from everybody when I'm like that. It's like everybody gets in the way 😬.

It was the NHS, I felt the same that they wouldn't believe me or think I'm time wasting but she was lovely. She arranged for me to go to a mental health unit for assessment, it took about 8 weeks, I'm pretty sure you can self refer too.

I now feel so much better, I know. Nothing has or will change much really but I think self acceptance is so important. I spent my life feeling like I was in an acting class keeping up with everybody. I felt inadequate that I cannot drive in busy areas or fast roads. So many things like the fear of shopping (I get deliveries mainly) oh and I never go out on foot alone, I'm too scared.
I work from home, self employed now as it's my 'safe place'
Definitely seek out a further opinion or do some reading of you feel similar. I think so many females haven't ever been diagnosed as it's been found that they mask their symptoms from such a young age. I know I used to and my daughter does too and she's only 3. Xx

Hi @springhappy I'm sorry for such a late reply, I read your message and I've thought about it every day since. I couldn't bring myself to reply as my head was allover the place, especially as I could relate to a what of what you said and begun thinking about why I think I may be autistic.

I've found a local service to try get a diagnosis but unfortunately I'll have to get a referral from my GP. I was hoping to self refer as the reason I've put it off for so long is I'm scared to talk to a GP about it as I'm worried they'll dismiss it

If you feel that you would like to see a psychologist or even just a chat with the mental health team then do visit your gp. I completely understand the feeling that you might get dismissed, I had that too. Honestly I was getting to the point that I felt quite unstable and I think the more you think about it the more confusion sets in.
The doctor I saw was lovely, I was so emotional by the time I actually went in.
In a way I wished I'd done it years ago (I'm 41 now) as I've known for years, but I think as time goes on you just become more certain if is truly is asd.
There are other conditions that can be similar to autism and I think it's good to let the professionals look into things.
Don't feel that your wasting anybody's time, your happiness and healthy mind is crucial for your wellbeing. :)

I hope that you are able to receive the correct treatment and hopefully that will in turn enable you to start enjoying life again..Always remember that you are not alone.. I don't know if you have any religious belief or not but if you do I would advise turning to God our creator, the almighty who understands you more than you do yourself as he created you.. I am sure that you will find genuine peace once you make that connection. Good luck