How do I help depressed DS aged 18

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He's away at university and called this evening crying and almost unintelligable.

We had a major and quite traumatic bereavement a year ago and I don't think he's recovered from that. It was during his A' Levels so he was under immense pressure. What I thought was grief has changed into something more long-lasting.

He was like this once before, just before leaving for university but I put it down to nerves. We talked about seeing a doctor, self-referring but he decided not to.

He's really far away. DH is going to drive up and get him tomorrow and bring him home but I don't know where to start to help him. He's adamant that he has to go back because he's missed lectures, couldn't bear to tell them he was depressed and has been told he's under supervision now.

I know he has had suicidal thoughts previously - not constantly but occasionally. I'm really worried he's at breaking point.

I work in a university in student support. The university should have a mental health support team and possibly a counselling service. There will probably be information about them on the university web page. What we say to students is that if you tell us you’re having difficulty then we can do lots to help e.g. you can apply to defer deadlines or exams. Academics are usually reasonably understanding if they know there’s a reason why a student isn’t at lectures etc - but if you don’t explain what’s happening then you can get caught up in disciplinary stuff when your attendance is bad etc. If you can encourage your son to talk about it to the student support team I think he might be surprised at how they can help. And mental health difficulties are sadly really common in universities. I hope he feels better soon.

At 18 he’s still young and at some point you as a mum should take over. It sounds like he’s troubled with mh issues, the longer he tries to push them away it will only get worse. You don’t wake up one day and feel bright and happy and think it’s gone now, it doesn’t work like that
St 18 he will think he’s in control but it’s obvious he’s not handling the situation. He will feel embarrassed, alone, and maybe not even getting out of bed?

Would he let you go to the gp with him? Possibly start the first line of to the gp.

Thank you both for your helpful replies.

@gtmummy - it's really helpful to know that. I did ask if he explained that he was not feeling great or coping and he said the meeting was in a busy office and he couldn't admit it in front of people. I know there is help out there but he isn't able to access it himself.

@granadagirl - you've hit the nail on the head. He wants it to all go away but it won't and it's overwhelming him. He's usually such a funny, capable person but he said he's just empty inside He's just so flat.

He's not getting out of bed and said he attends things because he doesn't want to let people down. I want to take him to the GP but there are no appointments for weeks and he has to be back at university by 11am Monday. I am looking at trying to get him to see a counsellor privately here tomorrow before he goes back. I think he finds doing anything, calling, making appointments totally overwhelming.

Thank you both.

Hi
Sorry but 1 appointment is not going to fix him, I know as mums we are there for our kids especially when there crying and not in a good space.
The person may explain why anxiety happens and how it makes you feel
Ask him what he thinks as brought it on, he may not no?
May go though some breathing exercises
Does the uni not have councillors? I’d of thought they would. Then it’s on site, with lots off people suffering anxiety though it may be a long wait
But you could ring for him and find out.

I’m an anxiety suffer myself ! And loath it and what it does to you. I can still remember friends/colleagues saying to me “just do it” or look at me if I got overwhelmed crying with bodily symptoms and thoughts it give me
Suffered on and off since 23 till now 61

I’m sure you’ll help him as much as you can, both he and yourself will become frustrated with the situation
Just check with him that he’s still eating, as that’s normally the first thing to go, and you develop nausea and don’t want food.
If this is so, try anti sickness tablets
These may help get his appetite back.

Hope it’s short lived for him

Have been through something very similar. It is heartbreaking and made me so anxious I couldn’t eat for 2 weeks .
If you ds is depressed then maybe you have to consider that he doesn’t go back on Monday . Give him space to talk , if he is able to. You might have to help him see that if he is depressed he may not be able to cope with uni at the moment, and that forcing himself to continue will lead to a cycle of him failing and continuing to feel he is letting people down, which will make him feel useless and lower in mood .
Maybe you need to make it clear to him that his health is more important to you than his uni career. Seems obvious but he may need to hear that.
Encourage him to let the uni know - this is really important as a support whether he goes back on Monday or takes time out. As gtmummy says there will be lots of support available .
If he does go back on Monday does he have supportive friendships ? Would he speak to any of them .
Both my ds left their first uni course . They did both return , one when he was feeling better , 1to a different course which allowed him to stay at home rather than move away . To be honest the fact that they were slightly older meant that they did much better than they would have done at 18. In the intervening time they both worked which helped their confidence.
So it’s not the end of the world if this isn’t the right time for him.
If he does go back now then make sure he sees a gp up there , gets uni support and I would be visiting regularly even tho it’s so far away .

Pop

How’s your son been, last night and today.
Did you manage to sort anything for him, and as he gone back to uni

It's very difficult once they turn 18, drs and university staff just can't talk to parents about this stuff.
I did find out about the student wellbeing service at the uni ds goes to and sent him the details.
I even rang 111 and got them to ring him- I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to. I was terrified though and it must got through to them.

In the end though he had to get help and want help himself.
He sees the gp now and someone at student wellbeing, thank god.

Could your ds email his tutor and tell them he's ill? To give himself a break.

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. DH went and met him and they caught the train back.

Over the course of the weekend, we made a plan for him to see people this week and check in with me regularly. I kept saying that he didn't have to return if he didn't want to but he was adamant that he needed to go back. He didn't want to see anyone here and TBH he needs a support system nearby. I found a counsellor who does skype sessions so he could be home or at university but he didn't want to do it.

He caught the train back tonight and he has promised to make an appointment to see his university GP tomorrow. On the plus side he was laughing with his siblings and he ate well. However, it's become clear that he hasn't made any friends at all . I thought we hadn't heard much from him because he was out having fun but it's now clear that he's been shutting himself off in his room. It's horrible and so unlike him. He's quiet but has always had a circle of lovely friends. He's just completely shut himself off.

He's back home next weekend for an event here, then he's home mid-December, but I'm just really concerned as he has to make contact with people and seek the support. As hugogogo said, because he's officially an adult the impetus has to come from him. It's like walking a tightrope - suggesting ways forward without interfering or putting pressure on him.