I think DH is having a breakdown

[howtocope]

DH started a new company about a year ago. It's going well but has been very hard work. Now, just as things seem to be taking off he has started suffering with insomnia and he's had a skin rash for months that I'm sure is stress related. His behaviour and emotions have also become erratic with flares of bad temper. It's unpleasant and the children (16 & 13) have asked what's going on with him.

It came to a head last weekend. On Friday evening he woke me up at midnight saying he didn't know where DS (16) had gone. DS was having friends sleep over and they often walk to a nearby 24hr McDonald's to get ice cream and hang out. On Friday DS had left his phone home to charge which meant DH couldn't contact him. This sent DH into a panic. He was furious with DS when he woke me, had hidden DS's phone (which was odd) and said he had been standing in the hall for two hours waiting for DS and his friends to come home. I asked why he hadn't just taken DS's phone to him at McD's and DH said he didn't want to embarrass DS. I was just getting dressed to go to McD's myself because DH was in such a state, when DS came home.

The next night DS went to a party in a different town. He was told to be home by 2am. I turned the volume up on my phone and put it under my pillow when I went to bed so I could hear if DS texted or rang and I set the alarm so I could get up and make sure DS was home safe. DS texted and asked to stay with a friend. DH was asleep so I sent him a text saying where DS was so that he wouldn't get up and be worried by DS's empty bed. I was surprised when DH's phone didn't vibrate or ping with my text (it's next to the bed). I tried to ring DH's phone and it went straight to voicemail and didn't ring. It was on silent. This surprised me after the previous night's panic. I was just going back to sleep when DH got up to go to the loo. He didn't check his phone or DS's room, just got back into bed and went back to sleep. Again, I was very surprised after the drama of the previous night.

The next morning I asked DH if he knew his phone was on silent and said I was surprised after his panic the night before. He exploded. He accused me of calling him selfish and not caring about DS. I tried to explain that what I didn't understand were the two extremes and he just started screaming at me to fuck off. This is very out of character. I can think of only once or twice before in 26 years that he's spoken to me in that way. I thought he needed to cool down and removed myself to go shower and get ready for the day. DD (13) said that while I was in the shower he started screaming and punching something (she was thankfully in her own room). This is also very out of character.

He was leaving for a business trip that day and ended up leaving early without saying goodbye to me or DD. DD was upset about this and I did think it was unfair to her.

He comes home tomorrow and I'm very nervous. I don't know if he's still angry but, judging from the lack of contact, I assume he is. His behaviour is so odd and out of character I'm concerned that he's having some kind of breakdown.

What should I do? Carry on as normal? He is seeing a counselor once a week to help with the pressures of starting his own business. He's seen the GP about the rash but it just doesn't go. I'm afraid that he's out of his depth with this new company or that he's finally got what he's always wanted but it's not making him happy and he can't deal with it.

I'm not sure how I feel. I was upset by the way he spoke to me, especially in DD's hearing, but I think it's a reflection of his stress and anxiety. How can I help him and help my family through this?

How worrying. You certainly need to talk to him but I think I’d take a gently supportive stance - express your concerns as it is so out of character. It does sound as if something is going on.

That sounds really shit for you all.

You're probably going to get a load of LTB responses from ppl saying he's abusing you. I can see his predicament though so have some sympathy.

I'm chronically sleep deprived and it plays out with me being irrational, frustrated and angry. I could very easily trash the house if I so desired as the will to punch and kick is incredibly strong.

I'm not even remotely like this if I sleep!!!!!

So, I'd say it sounds like the stress and insomnia are really getting to him. This does need to be addressed urgently. Don't pretend that everything is fine, it's not. He needs to hear the impact it is havomg on the family. He also needs to apologise to your DD.

There is a fine line between being depressed and being an abusive arse. If he can't see that he needs help, and refuses to actively seek it, then he crosses the line unfortunately.

I hope you all get back to some normality soon.

How old is DH? Is he on Statins? My DP became angry all the time and really irritable and had no patience when he went on statins. He stopped taking them and just went back to normal grumpy middle aged man .

Same with DH, Tinty - the dr had never heard of it as a side effect before.

VimFuego101

DP's Dr had heard of it and had seen it a few times and just said try a different type of statins, these didn't enrage DP but he did get the continuous muscle ache in his leg so just stopped taking them altogether.

Thanks for the responses. Just having someone hear me helps. I haven't talked to friends about it as I think it would embarrass DH. I wonder if he left without saying goodbye because he was embarrassed by his behaviour, particularly with DD?

He's 49. What are statins? He's not taking them. He's a bit anti meds' of any kind, which concerns me if he needs something to get through this time. DS was diagnosed ADD earlier this year and, after learning more about it, I wondered if DH was ADHD. We discussed it and he agreed and saw the GP but hasn't followed it up.

That's a good point about the sleep deprivation. He has no trouble falling asleep but tends to stay up too late and then wakes up after a few hours. He had gotten better about coming to bed earlier but has slipped back into bad habits.

I don't know how to help him and he's not really helping himself. Not following up on GP appointments (the ADHD and the rash), not coming to bed at a decent hour, not setting boundaries with work (he works ALL the time). I think he knows what he should do but he's not doing it for some reason, then he gets angry at me. It's like he wants me to fix everything but I can't. During this last argument he was a bit incoherent but he did shout that no one was looking out for him and that I was pushing him to his limit. I don't know how I could do more for him. I'm a SAHM and DH doesn't do any housework or cooking. I don't think his stress level could be any lower at home. We have two teenagers and they can be a challenge, but nothing extreme. I feel very helpless.

but he did shout that no one was looking out for him and that I was pushing him to his limit

^^ this is what I say when I'm crying out for help. I know it's not true, it just comes from a place of utter desperation.

Hopefully you can get him to his GP for an honest review

I'm a SAHM and DH doesn't do any housework or cooking. I don't think his stress level could be any lower at home.

When I was a SAHM my DH found it incredibly stessfull- he said being soley responsible for the whole family and with worries about bringing in enough money was the most stressful thing ever- was one of my driving reasons to going back to work tbh.

Yes, lightsdown, I've offered to go back to work but DH says he prefers if I don't. He's supportive of me working if I want to but says he would find it more stressful if I wasn't here to manage house, kids, social life, holidays, etc. I would need to work full time to make enough to make a difference but the upheaval to the family and the added domestic responsibilities for DH don't make it worth it for him. We're actually OK financially. We're living on less than we did before but we're not suffering. We own a few rental properties and have decided to sell one next year so we can pay off a few years of school fees, and I'll manage the sale and everything so it shouldn't be a greater stress for DH.

I really think he's gotten everything he's always wanted and maybe he thought life would suddenly be happy and easy. But life keeps having stresses and demands and ups and downs.

I've been trying to think what more I can do but so little is expected of him at home (and I don't mean that in a bad way, it's what has worked for us) that I don't know what more I can do. The stress all centres around work.

He's home and I'm out running errands. Haven't seen him yet. I know I'm hiding but I don't know what to expect. He texted a few times while away but just minimal exchange of information. He usually sends an 'I love you' before taking off but didn't text me or the kids this time. I assume he's still angry with me but I don't know why he's not texted the kids. I'm not sure how it's become him who's angry with me. I don't think I've done anything wrong. I hate confrontations but he's off on another trip tomorrow so I just need to get it over with.

Be kind to him. He sounds very stressed. Which doesn't mean that you don't need support and love too. Who can you talk to in real life?

My husband and I have our own business and teenagers in the house too and your argument the other night sounds a lot like what happens fairly regularly in our house.

Its stress. Be nice to him. When you see him, put your arms around him and don't be stubborn. Tell him you love him. When he has softened, have a casual chat about setting boundaries for work, going to the GP about the rash etc. Ask him what he thinks would make life better and happier in his opinion. You don't have to bend over backwards for him, but you are married and need to work together as a partnership and make things better together, for the whole family.

How long has he been behaving like this?

We talked and we're OK but he is still very stressed and doesn't see how to improve things. He says the company is at a crucial stage and within a year it will either take off or he'll move on. He can't continue like this for a year though. It's been about 6 months of increasing demands to this point.

We didn't have a very deep talk as he still seems fragile but I'm glad that at least he wasn't so angry.

Thanks so much for all of your help and support. I realised that my hands were shaking when I tried to unlock the door when I came home this morning. I can't imagine the state I would've been in without Mumsnet.

This episode is over but still lots of work to be done.

Hmm.
Has he admitted that his behaviour to you was unacceptable? Or apologised. OK, he's stressed, but at what point is his behaviour crossing a line and becoming abusive?

I'm going to suggest a couple if things. See your GP and tell him what you experienced, get it on your medical record incase it affects you own my in the future. Be proactive.

Second, find out where your nearest a&e cmht is. It sounds very much like he's heading for a break of some sort. So a bit if prep doesn't do any harm. Encourage him to go and have a chat with his GP, talking about it in confidence may give him a bit if respite to get it off his chest.

Stitch in time kind of thing

Poor both of you.

Re DH I can imagine it is very stressful being the sole earner especially with school fees etc to pay.

But obviously being stressed isn't an excuse to lash out. I'm a bit worried that you were shaking when coming into your own home?

Could you absolutely insist he sees his GP?

No, he hasn't apologised. I did ask him to speak to DD as she was upset by his behaviour but he hasn't done that either. I think he wants to pretend like it didn't happen or maybe thinks it's my fault and I should apologise? I don't think I did anything wrong though.

I was very much dreading the possibility of a repeat and I guess I was just so relieved that he had calmed down that I didn't even think about an apology. I was just glad not to have him shouting. I hate the instability of not knowing what to expect.

Is he "off" in any other way Howtocope? He seems better after being away. Are his trips business related? Could you go with him for some time together next time. Ask him.

Him losing it one night then turning his phone to silent the next night is unusual you said. Him lashing out at you aggressively when you questioned his phone being on silent is odd. Leaving for a business trip without saying goodbye is not right. It's as though his mood changed before he was going away and he was blaming your son and you and looking for a fight to make him feel better about leaving without saying bye to any of you. That's why I've asked if other than that every thing is ok.