Carrying on with normal life

[SKL1994]

I’ve posted a few times lately sorry about that - just have so many things going round my head. I’m currently going through a really bad low point. I’ve gone back on a new anti depressant and started some proper therapy. But I’m having a lot of suicidal thoughts and they’re driving me (more) crazy. I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to hurt everyone, but I can’t stop imagining if I did it, and can’t stop thinking I should. I feel like I need to tell someone but I don’t know how or who. And I want to be able to carry on with my life, studying and working, in scared if people know how serious I feel it will change that. Sometimes I get in my car and want to disappear and run away, and maybe that is a cry for help thing because I don’t know how else to tell people. But I know that will mess everything up and make things worse. That’s another reason I won’t try and kill myself - I’m scared of the repercussions if it doesn’t work, that it’ll make life even harder.

Honestly I just want my friends to hug me and let me cry and tell them how I feel without them thinking I’m absolutely mad

I;m sorry you're having such a difficult time, it sounds very, very hard.

Have you become more suicidal since the ADs? New medication can sometimes have this effect, so if it might be that the suicidal feelings settle down once you adjust to the change in meds.

With regards to your friends - real friends won't think you're crazy. I really learned who my friends were when I had a mental health crisis three years ago. I learned who I could rely on and who I could not and life became a lot easier.

It's three years since my breakdown and due to huge amounts of therapy and more than a little facing up to past trauma I am in a better place mentally than I was before I broke down.

Be honest with the people around you and take good care of yourself. Feeling like this is exhausting, worrying about what other people think about you will take resources from you that you don't have right now.