Is this me or is it normal?

[Coulduseahandholdplz]

Name changed for this and *trigger warning

I feel terrible atm, I'm so depressed I'm struggling to get out and about, I've stopped caring about myself and feel guilty about feeling this way.

I have a DS4 whose been in trouble at school but has now turned a corner but I can't help but feel everyone is judging me. DD is three months and doesn't really take naps. I'm dreading going to back to work, I can't stand my job and have been looking desperately for something else and to fit round the kids.

Dh is really really grating on me although he is trying to help me but deep down I don't think he has any idea how bad my depression is despite explaining how I feel. It doesn't help that he's lied to me recently and I feel deeply betrayed and resentful towards him.

I'm non contact with both parents and have suffered from sexual abuse in the past which has caused the breakdown in my family life.

I just feel like so much has happened to me that I can't pester people with my problems, that half the time I get half arsed advice from friends etc.

I have no outside support at all. I've been for therapy and was due to continue but have been ignoring their calls because I can't take dd and have no one to watch her and I just feel helpless and sad and weepy all the time.

I love my children so much and I feel like they are keeping me going but at the same time I feel like I'm failing them by feeling this way. How do I shake this?!

Thank you

I'm sorry you're struggling.
Are you on any medication?
You can request therapy over the phone. It's not a popular option with mental health professionals, but it is an option and something is better than nothing.

Hey thanks for replying.

I've not taken any medication for over 4years now and I don't feel that it works for me, in fact it makes me feel even worse.

The therapist was very abrupt that it couldn't go ahead over the phone and basically said she wasn't comfortable with me bringing dd she's ebf and I've not left her for more than a couple of hours with anyone other than dh who does nothing but waste the milk I leave. I cannot afford to go private and this is a nhs therapist, if I don't accept it I won't get any help.

The only time available is during the day too

Ok, go back to your GP, say what you have said here and get a new referral.
Is your GP sympathetic?
I understand about the meds, it took a long time to get mine right, I ended up having to see a psychiatrist in order to be started off on a really low dose.
At the time, getting my meds right, felt like searching for those elusive high heels that don't kill your feet!

You can also request a phone consultation with your GP.
Just because you can't get out at the moment, doesn't mean you should be denied help/treatment.

I have no idea what the gp is like tbh, I've seen different people each time I go. The last time I went was in Oct last year after I had a miscarriage and requested help, I am so lucky to now have dd.

I just feel like life is so complicated and that I have no one to turn to and that no one wants to help. I don't have the inclination to go seek the help either ( which I know is not going to help and selfish).

I spent weekdays running dh to work and day to school I clean and look after dd and pick everyone up again then make tea and have to take dd up to bed at 8. She's a very good baby and can sleep with maybe one feed so I know I'm sleeping but I feel drained and that everything is an effort. We had a busy weekend with ds and his social life. I have no time for myself unless u count having a bath but even then I rush it. I feel like I am rushing from one thing to the next and not enjoying the moment.

I understand what you're saying.
Maybe you could think about it like this...
Put the kettle on and ring the GP, by the time you've finished your tea/coffee, you'll have an appointment for a phone consult.

Still really struggling and i feel so alone. I couldn't attend my appointment with gp last week the kids have been ill. I'm also cancelling my therapy session. I feel so unsupported and sad. I'm also having physical issues which have become worse since dd and i need to see my gp about those as well.

Dh is being really dismissive and doesn't even speak to me when I'm talking to him. I literally have no one no family or friends that are interested or have the time of day.

I haven't been sleeping properly and I'm at the point of wanting to self harm again i feel so disgusted by myself and how I'm letting everyone down. I don't want to feel like this