Is this a sign of depression or grief?

[Robin84]

I’m new here. Firstly I will apologise if I ramble on, or it’s a long post.

I’ve been with my DP four years and we have 2 DSS. Thinks have been great between we don’t argue, we generally get on and support each other. But recently things have changed?

Before you say this should be on relationships, I’ve seen many threads on there from women, and the main responses seem to be Leave, OW etc... and I’m writing on here as I want to see if this a MH issue.

DP has had terminal cancer, but lived at home up until 4months ago, when she moved in to a care home. DP visited everyday day, whether this was for a cup of tea flying visit, tea, or sometimes just to have a nap in her arm chair. When she moved into the care home, her health deteriorated quickly, she couldn’t speak, she was bed bound, and she wasn’t the person he knew. She passed away 6 weeks ago.

4 months back things seem to change at home.

1. DP found a new found liking to going out to the pub! He had only been out and drank on rare occasions previously, but now it was starting to be once / twice a week. On these occasions I wouldn’t here off him when he was out. Due to the town we live, when he went out he stayed at his old place (it’s rented out but current unoccupied).

1. There is no planning for the future anymore

1. He has become obsessed with playing pool. Like every night, on his dinner from work. If he’s not out playing it, he is watching it on his phone. It’s like an addiction. He’s getting angry / upset (not violent for the record) when he’s lost.

1. He’s staying more in his old place, away from our home. He says it’s because it’s closer to his work / friends / family. Which is true (45min commute), but we have lived here for 2years since moving in together, and have been looking for a home in that area.

1. He’s not interested in sex / emotions

1. Wont talk about anything. His grans passing, scattering the ashes, etc.

All of the above, has made me question if it’s jusy me, and our relationship. But I’ve noticed that when the DSS are here, he’s short with them too. The simplist noise, distruption he tells them to stop, they are just being children and are young. He doesnt sit with them and make conversation anymore, cuddle or show them affection the same way.

The other Sunday, I was making Sunday dinner. The DSC where playing nicely (a bit noisy but nothing out the ordinary) he said he was going out to get something for his rented place that he’d left. He returned 6 hours later, when I asked him where he’d been he said visiting the place his Grandads ashes are scattered and that he couldn’t cope.

I’ve asked him to see a Doctor, but he says he knows his own mind and is fine. Is this me or does this sound like he’s depressed? Or is he just grieving?

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to walk away from my relationship, nor do I want to continue like this.

Just read... and it should say DP gran had terminal cancer.

Sorry it won’t let me edit.

Definitely sounds like depression and grief . If he won’t accept there’s a problem, all you can do is keep talking to him, preferably in a non confrontational way. Eventually though, if he won’t get help, you will have to decide if you can live with this behaviour. It’s miserable for you and the kids.

Is the dp who died his mother?
Definitely could be reactive grief/ depression.
But he needs support from a professional
Insist he gets some help

Sorry I might not have been clear my partners (DP) gran passed away. They where extremely close, as she brought him up as a child.

I feel anyone looking in thinks I should walk away from him, as he’s not here, or showing me the love and affection he use to.
I suffered with my MH prior to us getting together, following a violent EX, anixity and a number of MC’s. But he’s made me so much happier and I no longer take AD.
I know myself their isn’t a quick fix, especially when your not accepting you need help. Which is why I feel stuck in what to do? If I loose him, I loose my step children who are my world and my family.
Also I feel the pressure of day to day life would make his situation worse. At present I’m just giving him space, and letting him do what he wants, in the hope he will come round.
3 of his close friends in the time period we have been together have committed suicide, So I though he would understand the need for help more. I’m guessing he’s just trying to be a 32year “lad” who is invinsable!

I feel like at the moment the easiest option for him is to avoid all serious conversations. Instead going out playing pool, or meeting friends for a drink is the best option.
I’m an organised person and want to continue Christmas shopping. I’ve put this on hold, as he won’t contribute to conversations about the DSC’s presents.
I’m also avoiding conversations with my family, of where we all are from Christmas dinner as I don’t know the answer.
DP house is empty as it was going up for sale. We have a mortgage appointment on Monday, to finalise the details for our new home. Again he won’t talk about it.
I don’t want to walk away I love him so much. But I feel like I’m on hold too, until he works out his emotions.

Its verrry early in the grieving process .

OP you're in a very difficult position. Whatever you're DP is going through, your feelings are very important too. Anyone would struggle in your shoes, as DP's behaviour has left you feeling helpless and utterly confused. You're right, this is about grief first and foremost. Your DP has basically lost his mum, because she brought him up. I imagine one difficulty for him is the reawakening of difficult confusing feelings about his birth mum as opposed to the gran who raised him. And he has suffered multiple losses in the last few years, of friends, and they will be ungrieved to some extent because suicide is extremely complex in how it hits us emotionally. His depression is likely to be the reactive type, triggered by loss in this case. Unless he has a history of depression, which could mean it goes deeper than just being a symptom of grief. And typically, men struggle to process grief because of messages they get about so-called masculinity and what it means to be 'strong'. You've picked up on his way of handling this, like an 'invincible lad'. Makes it more difficult to help him, I'm sure, because he won't really admit to or look more closely at what he's feeling.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid, but you need support. Right now you're very anxious about the future and losing your family as a result of DP's reduced capacity for coping and relating. Is there anyone you can talk to outside both families who will listen to your needs and concerns without making it about them?! Is there an option for you to access mental health services still? I realise private counselling can be costly.

If he carries on avoiding his life and responsibilities then at some point you'll need to make some decisions for yourself, without him. That understandably seems really scary at the moment, and this time of year doesn't help. But you can't keep everything going indefinitely with all this uncertainty around you, because it will make you unwell again.

Is there anyone close you've been able to tell all this to? That might help you feel less isolated. Sorry I'm not being more helpful, but I didn't want to read and run because you're clearly trying so hard to keep everything together but feeling more vulnerable and isolated as the days go by. I just have that sense of how confusing this all is for you, not knowing what to do, or how long it's all going to take, or if there's any hope that DP will recover and start functioning again. So hard for you.

He sounds depressed. It takes time with bereavement but everyone is different. For me (losing 3 parents in 4 months) it took 8 months before i felt remotely normal.

Thank you for your responses.

I’ve got two close friends who I’ve spoke to, but I still feel lost. I’m unable to access my support again, so a private councilling session might be worth looking in to. I feel selfish that I feel this way, I’m meant to be his rock, as he is mine.

The aspect that is bothering me the most is the uncertainty of the situation. I don’t know if he will just walk away, just so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

He has a mum and dad, but he’s not close to them due to his childhood. His dad lives the opposite end of the country. I’ve spoken to his mum, and she said this is the same pattern of behaviour when his grandad died. He disconnected away from everything and split with his Ex the DSC mother. There relationship on the other hand wasn’t great, she was controlling, using him, and not a great person to be around, their split was inevitable and I think the situation to what he found himself in just pushed them to split. His mum has tried speaking to him, but he doesn’t want to talk, listen or anything and again he just disappears. She isn’t great and turns it all about her, so their relationship has always been strained, so I’m guessing she doesn’t help.

I’ve asked him about councilling, Seinfeld his GP, but he just keeps telling me nothing is wrong? But his sudden change in behaviour and moods tells me different.

I’ve started the Christmas shopping again, continued with organising the house stuff, more as a distraction tactic for myself. My friends tell me to stop, but then time still goes on despite the situation.

Counselling for you might be immensely helpful for recognising the four stages of grief and to give you support, whatever happens.

Thank you. I’m going to look into today, and hopefully get something booked in.

Has anyone had a similar experience? And what was their outcome?

I tried touching on the subject again last night, but it seemed the new found ‘hobby’ was the main topic of conversation. All the ‘real life’ issues which we have to discuss at the minute including; the house, DSC Christmas arrangements, Christmas in general, where just brushed under the carpet again.

Yes the behaviour change started when she was moved into a care home. This is when his routine of visiting her at home changed. She became bed bound, lost her speech, and was trapped in her body. As a ‘outsider’ it was awful to see, so I understand this probably impacted him hard.
I asked him last night if he thought about anything, he replied no. I’ve asked him where he has been for the past 3nights his response was in the pub playing ‘pool’ I suggested that doing this, wasn’t helping, and wasn’t giving himself the time he needed to think, and not using the space he was taking effectively to deal with what’s going on. 😪