I can't do it anymore

[glitteringfishy]

I just can't. I can't cope. I need to take 2 year old DS for settling in season at nursery at 10.30. Last week he cried when I left him, he clung to me and just kept repeating mama hug mama hug mama hug. (I'm aware this is probably normal I'm not saying it's not I'm just saying I don't feel emotionally able to handle it right now) He was fine a few minutes after I left and for the hour he was there. He's saying no nursery over and over and over this morning. I just told him to shut up. I just can't handle the constant repeating. Why did I do that. It just came out. I hate myself. He needs me to be stable and I can't be. I just can't. I have anorexia and bpd and I am just not coping anymore and I've started self harming again and im restricting my intake really badly so I have no energy and I am irritable and I am just no good to be a mother. I do not know how I am supposed to hold it together to take him to nursery. I cried there last week. I feel so guilty I feel like I am ruining his life I am ruining my husbands life, we argued before he left this morning and have hardly been talking, I cannot stand to exist anymore. I want to disappear. How to get through this morning. How to keep going

First, here is a big hug for you. You sound like everything is getting on top of you at the moment, and triggering your old coping mechanisms of self harming and starving as a way of trying to regain control.
Please go to your GP or your local mental health crisis team, and tell them what you have said here. Or if you still have a CPN, confide in her and seek a referral back to the psych team.
You don’t have to try and deal with all this alone, OP. However difficult it may seem, just make that first step and seek help.
I know you will get sympathy, moral support and encouragement here on MN, but you need real life professional help too. My prayers that you are able to access it. God bless.

Does D's have to go to nursery? Is it vital? Maybe he's just not ready. And you do need to concentrate on yourself and focus on getting healthy. I have no experience of anorexia but I do know we all need fuel to be able to function. So please, please go and get the help you need. Your little boy depends on you.

I am getting help. I've been on the waiting list for eating disorder outpatient treatment for ages. It's just taking a very long time and I am getting worse and worse. I'm under the local psych team and also see a therapist privately. I don't feel able to call the crisis team, it makes me worse. The psychiatrist I'm under is not someone I connect with at all. I just needed to write it all down somewhere i suppose. I don't know I'm sorry

I've taken a diazepam so I will be able to cope this morning. Thank you both for replying

And yes DS does need to go to nursery I cannot cope anymore I've been doing it all in my own for 2 years and I need a break. I know he might not be ready and I hate myself for it but I simply cannot cope any longer

It's so hard. I full on snotty sobbed leaving my two year old wailing one day, it just got too much! I was embarrassed but that's it. We're fine, she loved nursery and loved school.

Think of his nursery time as the respite you desperately need. Be enthusiastic as you can about it and focus on getting him there so you can breathe....even if you just sit in your car in peace.

You can do this.

It wasn't meant to be a criticism OP. I understand entirely. My youngest Ds went to a childminder at 6 mths because I had to go back to work.

Lots of children cry initially when they are being left at nursery, so don't feel bad about it at all. And as you say, your child is fine after a few minutes.
You are totally right, it's important for you to have some respite.
Having a baby/toddler is so difficult in the best of circumstances.
I'm usually really good at "coping" but really couldn't cope when my kids were small. I think sometimes it's fine not to cope but just to somehow get through it.
It sounds like you are trying your hardest so please give yourself credit for it.
Sending you a big hug.