Need help supporting DH. At the end of my tether.

[Lemontwist]

I've been a bit of a cow tonight and I need some ways to help deal with things.

DH has been struggling on and off with depression for all of his adult life. He has very occasionally (two or three times ever) sought help. The last time was because I pushed him to do it and made the appointment for him. It resulted in an offer of medication (I'm not sure what) that he refused to even pick up the prescription for and a single telephone counselling session that he missed.

Much of the time we rub along ok but recently I've felt it's about as much as I can bare.
Too many times have I felt that my feelings are over shadowed by how he feels. Too many times do I feel I'm parenting alone. Too many times have I cancelled my own plans as he's in a bad place and I don't feel I can leave him with the kids for any length of time.

At the moment he is having a hard time with work. He comes home every day with looking down and fed up then refuses to speak about it.
He deals with his feelings by drinking. He denied any dependency but it is clearly there.

When he is in a good place things are great but the depressive episodes are getting longer and the gaps between them shorter.
We have 3 DCs, 2 at school and a baby. He loves them very much and is the kindest most lovely person when he is well. The rest of the time everyone is suffering for it. Not sure what to do any more. It's taking over all our lives.

He has to seek help.

If he had a broken leg, he’d seek help. It’s the same thing.

It’s totally unfair to you and your dc that he doesn’t, and expects everyone to make allowances for him.

I’d give him an ultimatum: either he sees a gp, or else.

He has convinced himself that medication won't help him. He had a bad experience with some kind of antidepressants years ago (before we met).
He really believes that this is who he is and that won't/can't be changed.

I would say to him that you love him and appreciate him so much when he is well, but he needs to go to the doctor again, with you, and follow through with the treatment. That the illness is feeding off him and desperately wants him to avoid getting better, but that you want him to.

I do want him to. He just clams up every time we talk about it. He doesn't want to talk to me about how he feels, I think to protect me from it and but doesn't understand that that makes it worse. After pushing him about it tonight he said he cried in the loos at work and all the way home.
He absolutely refused to let me go in with him last time he went to the GP.
Friday night's are a regular night out for me, for a sport I play. I haven't been able to attend the last few weeks because of how he has been. I know it sounds selfish but it makes me feel trapped.

I know that trapped feeling exactly.

What do you think will happen if you leave him alone? Will he drink more, neglect the kids? Are you worried about suicide?

I found that the constant use of 'it's the illness, not you' helped a little.

You could write to his gp. Tell him you're doing it and ask if he wants to hear what you are writing. He can't stop you sending a letter.

Buy him this book to read

www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1541846933&sr=1-1

How I felt was a mystery to me until I was recommended this book, it was like a light being switched on.

Could he be autistic?? I've struggled all my life with 'not fitting in' which made me feel very low (though I never recognised this was what was happening). I've realised I'm autistic (done an online questionnaire and scored really high) and my GP has referred me for a diagnosis.
The above book works really well for me, for dealing with life and really helps me to feel good about myself and life.

Here is the autism questionnaire:www.wired.com/2001/12/aqtest/

It seems really common in men to just keep struggling on until they hit rock bottom. I’ve heard from quite a few people that they only got help when they were in danger of losing everything.

This has also been the case for my DH. He has always refused medication. He’s only agreed now after I was forced to issue an ultimatum. I called his parents over and told them I would have to leave because I couldn’t live like this anymore.

He saw that I was serious and that evening agreed to do whatever it takes.

We’ve got an appointment for a mental health assessment this week.

Unfortunately you may have to be tough with your DH to get through to him.

You have to lay it on the line for him. Either he seeks help and takes medication or you’re leaving him.

My dh has severe depression / bi polar and without medication he is unbearable. He has been through long periods of unemployment and walking out of jobs because he can’t cope with life basically. And I do have a lot of sympathy for him because I’ve had severe depression myself - although not as consistent as his.

He had to go back to the gp several times to try about 3 different antidepressants before he found one he could cope with the side effects with and he’s been on it now for the last 4 years. He has adjusted the dose higher a few times. They are literally a miracle worker. Without them he cannot work, cannot function, cannot cope. With them he has managed to keep the same - good- job for the last 3 years and is a brilliant father and husband.

He himself says he is a “functioning depressive” - a term he’s coined himself for someone who lives with depression and mental illness everyday but functions with it and it’s the medication that does that for him.

Your dh is being very unfair to you and also himself by not actually treating this.

www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/adults/iapt/
If he is afraid of meds, he can self refer for counselling or group therapy ..