I have a very long history of anxiety and depression. My earliest memory is from just after starting school and feeling so socially anxious I literally wanted to just not exist. Thinking I could just practise holding my breath for a bit longer each time and eventually I would die. I've tried to seek help as an adult and have tried pretty much all the SSRIs you can think of.
I have chronic insomnia which I'm sure exacerbates my poor mental health (if I manage more than 4 hours sleep a night I consider that a good night's sleep). Have tried mirtazapine for a year stretch on two separate occasions as that's supposed to encourage sleep but to no avail. Have been prescribed short term zopiclone in times of 'crisis' a couple of times, but again seemed to have no effect. I've been referred to various CPNs, CBT therapy, social workers over the years, but nothing seems to get to the root of the issue.
I've recently narrowed down that feeling anxious triggers my depressive suicidal feelings but it feels like I can't rationalise myself out of the panic if that makes sense. It feels like I need something to 'take the edge off', be it some kind of medication or therapy technique if that makes sense. Can anyone relate to this and possibly share any success stories?