Advice on my husband please

[mnahmnah]

Hi

I really need some help. I just don’t know what to do with my husband. He’s depressed, sometimes suicidak, just not coping. He’s angry and nasty, verbally abusive to me, plain mean to the DC. Then apologises. Cries.

He’s meant to be liking after DS2 today but couldn’t get out of bed. Hardly slept last night. Cried when he did get up, saying he doesn’t know how he’d get through today. Clearly I couldn’t leave him with a toddler. So i’ve taken today off work, on the condition he went to the docs. He’s refusing to go. I asked him to ring the Samaritans. Again, refuses. He doesn’t want to speak to anyone about it and says if I try he’ll leave and never come back.

So I’m letting him sleep. He says he just needs sleep, and to get back running and have some focus. For context, he works nights, does the school run, picks up from childcare, food shop, cooks. He’s burnt out. But is it just that?

Please tell me anything I can do!

I'm no expert at all, I would contact your GP and tell them the problem, perhaps a home visit to see him. It's more than a burn out, he needs some help, sleep deprivation makes things twice as bad.

Tough love is needed I'm afraid. It's very unfair that he allows you & your DCs lives to be so affected this way & make no effort to get help for himself. That if nothing else makes him a selfish arse. Yes I get that his MH could be responsible for him behaving that way,but it doesn't make it acceptable that he does nothing.

If he threatens to leave, tell him that you don't want him to go, you want to be their fir him, but if he doesn't care enough about you & the DCs to seek help, then he doesn't deserve you been there for him, he doesn't respect you & he can go.

I'd suggest he needs blood tests at the GP, for example B12 deficiency can cause depression, anxiety, bi polar & more. It's not a standard blood test & results frequently not understood by doctors too, leads to it being massively under diagnosed. He could need B12 injections. Lots of other medical possibilities too.

Thanks. It’s the fact he said he’ll leave if I did that. He said it’s embarrassing, which of course it isn’t. He knows they would sign him off work. He doesn’t get sick pay and we really can afford that.

B12. Good. Thanks. Believe me, I am all about tough love. He says I don’t care. But i’ve Made it clear he cannot treat us like this and that he gets help or he needs to leave. Clearly I love him and want him here. But as a happy family

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3414602-DP-thinking-of-killing-himself?msgid=82336105#82336105

Some good advice on this thread. He needs to get help.

I empathise OP. I have a partner who be mean ,moody and downright nasty. He suffers with depression and anxiety and though he does take medication and has had counselling he refuses to use any of the coping strategies such as exercise. Thankfully we have no small children but his mood swings are affecting teenage DS.

I think you need to stand firm and insist he seeks help for your sake too. He does not have to be signed off if he does not want to. Testosterone deficiency can cause mood swings. Good luck x

For context, he works nights, does the school run, picks up from childcare, food shop, cooks. He’s burnt out

I did exactly that for 8 years - sorry but you are making excuses for him. He does need tough love - he is a father and a husband, not a single guy who can stay in bed all day when he feels bad.

he works nights, does the school run, picks up from childcare

When does he sleep? 10-2?
How many hours sleep is he getting after a night shift?

He sleeps 8-2.

Thanks for advice. You all are thinking same lines as me. Just wasn’t sure if I was being heartless by being tough with him

I can’t see how he is getting enough sleep from this arrangement. No wonder the poor guy is having a breakdown! I think you should book an after school club so he can sleep for 8 hours. Pay for private counselling and actually offer some support.

I’ve had poor MH in the past and if my DH has treated me like some of the posters above are suggesting I don’t think we’d still be married and I’m not sure Id still be here either... there’s a difference between insisting some seeks support and coercing them with threats of separation and pull your socks up. Give him a hug FFS.

Sorry that last post was unecessarily harsh. It just upset me to read. I’m sure it’s really hard OP, but things can get better.

Don’t worry! I do give him hugs. I’ve offered extended childcare but he says we can’t afford it, won’t let me. He basically refuses anything I offer to help

If I slept 22.00pm-04.00a.m, for example, every night, then went to work then did childcare, I would be exhausted.

Indeed. He slept until after lunch yesterday. Seemed much more himself when he woke up. We had a chat and he’s very aware he needs to be better with us and promised he’ll do better. But he still won’t go to the GP. Said he’ll sort it out himself. He’s going to start running again, which really helped him in the past. And eating better because his diet is terrible. We’ll see. Thanks everyone

I agree sleep, diet & exercise could be a great healer.

OP, I'd really like to think that sleep diet and exercise would be enough but my own experience tells me not.
If your poor DP is depressed, suicidal and not coping then he's already really unwell (whether he recognises this or not). I really really recommend you get him some professional help one way or another. The bit that resonated with me was the crying on waking and "not knowing how he'll get through" the day. That feeling of desperation and shame and guilt at simply being unable to function is utterly dreadful.
I can't stand the minimising that sometimes goes on with this type of thread. I wonder if all these posters would tell someone with another life threatening illness (because that's what depression is FFS) such as heart disease that they need to "try harder" or need "tough love" to get better?? Your poor DP.
He is really very ill.
It's not his fault.
Please please keep repeating those two things to him and get a Dr to see him one way or another.