I cant bond with my son anymore

[jocoxy]

Hello This is my first time on mumsnet and Ive come here to get some help. I ahve 2 children aged 2 and 5 but my oldest one is the reason i am writing this. He is waiting to be assessed for a possible mental health problem and I am not coping. Ifeel I have lost the bond we once shared so strongly. Hes gone to stay with my Mum for a couple of days as I turned up at her house after dropping him off from school hysterical. I really feel as if I have lost the love i once had for him and just have lost all interest in him. He gets very cross with things and has tantrums and screams and I just cant cope with it anymore. I am currently on my own as my husband is in the Army and is serving abroad for a year. He will be back every couiple of months but to be honest when he is here he makes things worse as he has a hort temper and low patience with him so I feel as if I have to be the strong one all the time. I just cant give him any affection and feel cheated in a way as this is not the child I had. I know its not his fault but I am struggling to show him love and affection and fell better and calmer when hes not here. God! How could I say that!!!! Really need some help so please write back!!

You poor poor love. Can you drop the 2 year old off at your mums for a bit next week, and do something very low stress with your son - get out of the house, and do something you both enjoy, running around with him.

Do you think that could help? I think sometimes when the bond slips, you have to MAKE it come back. You sound under a huge amount of stress, so don't punish yourself for this.

What mental health problem is he being assessed for?

It really helps to be in contact with others in the same situation so you can share your problems. There'll probably be some sort of support group available. Once you are coping then everything else becomes easier, but its easier to cope if you have others to talk to who are going through it as well.

Jocoxy I think it is perfectly understandable to feel the way you do and I am so sorry that things are this tough for you at the moment. I am really glad you have decided to come and seek help here and I hope you can get the support you need. I'm sorry I don't have any advice about coping with your problems, but just wanted to answer your thread and offer you a welcome to MN as well.

Thankyou for your help. He is being assesed for Aspergus and also another mental health issue I cant remember the name of at the moment. We moved down from Scotland to be nearer to family (they all live within a 10 mile radius) so I thought this would be easier and I could cope but obviously not. So hard because I am the one that suggested hubby going away as its alot of extra money that woul help financially. Took son to Lego Land Saturday for his Birthday but just didnt enjoy it. Feel very detatched form him at the moment. Off to see Health Visitor Wednesday to discuss this so hopefully something will come out. I know its best for him to stay with my Mum for a couple of days but feel as if I am pushing him further away!!

HI Asperger's isn't really a mental health problem (which is a good thing!)- and is way easier to deal with with specialist courses & support groups, especially in the early days. Have you contacted the NAS? They run the Help (or maybe Earlybird- depends on your area- really earlybird is for under 5s) parenting courses which are a great way to get tips & ways to deal with the behaviours shortly after diagnosis. Simple techniques can make a huge difference.

Sympathies my eldest son is severely autistic and some bad days I find the behaviours that go with it absolutely unbearable. Having friends in the same situation keeps me sane. If we've had a really bad day I make a point of going in to watch him while he's asleep as well- sounds mad, but helps.

We only ever go out somewhere expecting it to fail these days then we can be pleasantly surprised. We went to Legoland when ds1 was 2 (6 years ago) and still shudder at the memory!

Thankyou for your reply and will look into what you have suggested.

You need a diagnosis first, but the NAS courses are great

Is the assessment process a recent development ? I ask because I think it is quite common when an issue is formally suggested to detach from the child and think about them differently while struggling ot come to termrs with the implications. To "feel cheated in a way as this is not the child I had" is a common response. You don't seem that well informed yet as to Aspergers etc and are naturally disorientated. Information can be empowering and helpful , but you may not be ready to take it all on board just yet,so give yourself some time. In time you will see that he is still the same child you love, issues or not, honestly.