Struggling

[Verydonut]

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety after the birth of my daughter 5 years ago. I used citalopram for almost two years.
Three weeks ago I suffered my third miscarriage, I was devastated. We had been trying for our third baby for a year and it absolutely floored me that we had lost another pregnancy.
I have been off work since the miscarriage and although the pain of losing the pregnancy has lessened, my mental health has taken a huge knock.
I just feel so sad, I have no motivation, I snap at every one, other than my husband and my daughter's, I really don't want to see or speak to anyone else. I had previously self harmed and the urge is back, although I have not after on it yet.
I'm due back at work this week and I don't know if I can go. I dont feel anywhere close to ready, but I panic that people may think I Should be back by now. Will I be judged it I get another sick line.

We are still attempting to conceive a baby, that scares me though, because I am terrified of another loss.
I have been considering going back down the route of anti depressants, however this will obviously impact on trying to get pregnant and I am really not sure what to do for the best.
I'm rambling, I'm sorry.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Of course you’re devastated.
Sounds like you need more time off. Anyone who judges a woman who doesn’t bounce straight back after a miscarriage is a complete bastard. (Sorry but I can’t think of a milder word.)
Could you speak to your GP, maybe be signed off again and consider if any antidepressants would be ok if you decide to TTC?
Good luck. My first was a mmc. I understand the desperately wanting to be pregnant yet being terrified at the same time. It was fine.

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I came off citalopram a year ago as wanted to conceive, & within a few months had had a pretty severe relapse, was signed off work & a right mess. Dr advised me to go back on citalopram & carry on ttc as I needed my own health to be good to consider looking after a baby. I did as advised & a year later am 22 weeks pregnant & so far me & baby are perfectly healthy.
Earlier in the year I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks which was horrible, but I was able to come to terms with it quite soon & was very fortunate to conceive again the next month.
I believe that focusing on my own health was the right thing to do. I still get pangs of guilt & worry about taking ADs while pregnant but deep down know it was the right thing in my case.