Am really struggling to cope

[CrazyCatMum]

I’m struggling really bad with horrible thoughts, flashbacks and suicidal thoughts.
My son thought it would be nice to surprise me with 4 days away abroad, in a place that I grew up which wasn’t a very nice time for me.
I don’t no what his rhinking of it was but it terrified me but I couldn’t tell him why.
I’ve come home and the crisis team have had to become invited because I wasn’t coping, I had to give them the meds I had been stock piling, agree to a safe plan until I see my cpn next week.

I feel lost, it’s brought up feelings I thought I wouldn’t have to feel again.
I can’t cope with anything, my son is still here, not going home til Tuesday but I wish he would just go no so I can fall apart in peace because trying to keep everything together is too hard.

I’m just waffling here I now what’s in my head but I can’t seem to put it into words, the right words

I just feel like I’m messing everything and everyone up and if I wasn’t here they would be ok, they could just forget this waste of space that is always causing them grief

So sorry you are having such a tough time and that old memories are being stirred up after your visit.
But please do not think things would be easier if you were not here as it is a total lie. Your son loves you and many others too no doubt and they would be devastated . Your dear son obviously wanted to do something lovely for you but got it badly wrong but look at it this way, he had no idea what would be stirred up because he has no concept of how terrible things can be for people. And why is that ? Because you as his mum have taught him otherwise . You must be an amazing mum to have done that.
Don't give up, hang in there one day at a time until the clouds lift , and they will in time. I hope today is a better day even if just a little bit xxx

I know it was my fault it went wrong as I should have told all my kids what happened to me, but I thought I was protecting them from it and everyone says it was good that I did but it was to my detriment.

I know it was a nice thing for him to do and if it was a different city in that country it may have been easier. I thought because it was all different from when I was last there it would be easier but I was transported back to being that child and couldn’t cope with it or or know what to do with it.

I don’t want these feelings, they scare me, my kids aren’t a protective factor anymore I’m just so tired, life’s too much 😢

Oh hon hang in there. Life will get better. Maybe it would be cathartic to tell your kids and let them support you. Sometimes we do not give them enough credit and if it was the other way around you would be devastated if they kept it from you. They are not children now and I think secrets like this are destructive and only add to the burden of shame. You have done nothing wrong and do not deserve this .
Would more counselling help you to get some of it out ? Sometimes just to vent is enough. And remember you have slayed this demon before as it were. You have lived a successful life and raised your dear children and you can do it again. So you are already stronger than what happened even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Obviously all the memories have been triggered and it feels v real again but they are just that , memories , and you have moved on from that stage of your life so don't let whoever has hurt you win by going back there again.
Listen I may be talking complete claptrap and if so ignore me. I don't know what terrible trauma you have endured and I would also say don't let others tell you how to react. Do what is right for you and tell your kids if it will help.
I will be thinking of you and send loads of love and support. Keep posting if it help. Xxx

Hi crazy. How are you doing ? Are you feeling any better ? X

Am really struggling flashbacks are really bad, am struggling to stay in the moment.
I didn’t think it possible to cry as much, to feel so dissapointed in myself and everything around me.

I’m physically drained, im tired of trying to explain to the crisis team how I feel or going to se people and having to explain why I can’t see a male.
Just feels like I cause problems everywhere I go and there only seems to be one option left to make it ok for everyone else.
I just want my head to be quiet but it won’t 😢😢

That is not an option ! I know because my sister in law did it and left two little kiddies, a husband and the rest of us to flounder around in pain and guilt feeling we had failed her . Even though we tried everything she just wanted to switch it off as it were ( just as you do ) but it transferred the pain to others who .loved her and missed her so much. We still do over 20 yrs later. It is a lie that people would be better off without you here so don't go there in your head tempting though it is. You are loved. Please confide in your children and let them support you as you grieve and let it out. It may be healthy that you are letting the feelings flow out even though it is painful in the short term.
As regards getting help well words fail me. The care for mental health patients is shocking in this country. It makes me mad ! You shouldnt have to beg for help at a time like this !
What about GP again ? And have you confided in anyone who knows your background ? Ring the Samaritans if it helps to talk !
Please hang in there. Everything in life passes in time and you will come out the other side . I am thinking of you and looking for your posts everyday. Take care sending a huge hug. X xxx

I’m sorry you lost your sister in law and it’s still really hard for you all, I don’t want to make it worse for you.

I feel like I don’t seem to get anything right. Crisis team phoned today and I told them I didn’t need them anymore and they just accepted it which is fine by me, it means I don’t have to explain myself to them anymore I can just go do what ever.

My children know bad things happened to me as a child, I can’t give them the details it’s too horrible. I’ve suffered from mental health problems since my oldest was born so my kids know no different and if anything I think they get fed up of me and my illness

I want to forget, to disappear from life because it all hurts too much 😢

Hi, I’m so sorry you are struggling at the moment. But as Flapjackfairy said, it is not true that people would be better off without you. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Please try not to focus on these traumatic memories. Whenever they creep into your head, try to consciously think about good memories instead.

Try to fill your time up doing things you enjoy. Get outside for a stroll...go feed the ducks...look at nature...spend the afternoon in a local library reading books. In short, be kind and gentle with yourself. Allow yourself time to start climbing out of this dark place.

Talk to the Samaritans - when I was at a low ebb they truly helped.

I went through a rough patch a year ago and found the things I outlined above helped me gradually recover. I hope they help you too. Xxxx