things have finally caught up with me ten months after Nigel died

[Yorkiegirl]

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and god we arent all angel parnets anwyay

a re we?

Now you know that this is not my usual home but I agree with Popsy that you are allowed to grieve. Those AD's will kick in soon and you will feel better. Weather is getting good too (ok I know its raining but you know what I mean). When my Dad died the first year was the hardest because I would always be thinking - this time last year we were.... I had just gotten over that when my friend died and tbh I think she hit me harder than my dad did as she was so young.

People that were there at the beginning and promising all types of support may be just waiting in the wings to be asked to help. So ask them - bottom line I suppose is that unfortunately Nigel isn't coming back but you have to find how to cope with that. Its a cruel world Anna.

Don't be hard on yourself YG. I'd bet my life on you being a great mum to your girls.

Take your time with this - don't rush back to work. The next couple of months are bound to set you back - I imagine that there will be many 'this time last year' moments. Wish it could be different.

Thinking of you.

It's been less than a year - it's still so recent, and - as others have said - you've soldiered on, kept going for your girls...and now something has to give. Good on you for going to your GP and asking for help - I know from my own experience that that's not easy. My GP gave me fluoxetine a year after ds1 was born (the first lot of anti-depressants didn't help me much) and within a couple of weeks I felt so much better. They don't change anything - you will still have your grief and loss to work through in your own time - but they just help you cope with the day-to-day grind a little better: things don't seem so desperately hard (and I lost that feeling of just wanting to curl up under the duvet and never come out). I really hope you start to feel a bit better soon. I've been "not a nice Mummy" too - it's not your fault, and your girls will be OK - children are amazingly resilient and forgiving.

(oh, it's marthamoo, btw)

Yorkie I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down just now, but I'm glad you are getting some help for your depression. Dh has been on fluoxetine for depression (then swapped onto citalopram) and found it enormously helpful - he described it as still seeing the same things, but seeing them in colour rather than black and white (in other words, life was still the same but he felt better able to cope with it).

Don't be afraid to take as much time off work as you need. You may not feel strong just now, but you are, and that strength will get you through this difficult time.

With love.

YG, I am so sorry you are feeling so horribly low, but I agree with cod in that nobody would be able to go through such a terrible tragedy without taking a bit of a turn for the worse, and that often happens months after the event.

There was a woman I worked with, who lost her DH very very suddenly a few years ago.
She seemed to really cope very well, throwing herself back to work within days of the event & seemed to get on with things just fine. Around 6 months later it all caught up with her & she was signed off work for a whole 6 months.
Often the real effects of such a shocking sudden tragedy do take a little time to hit.

Be kind to yourself & take whatever help you need to help you through this rough time. You sound like an amazing mother to me.

Thinking of you.xx

Thinking

Don't focus on big generalisations like not being a nice mummy - I'm sure that's just not true at all.

Is there any way you could negotiate a long break from work, perhaps a year, to give yourself a chance to properly weigh up your life and make new choices?

YG, I don't even know where to start, or what to say that might possibly help.

One thing I do know, and know 100%, is that depression is an illness. It isnt being weak, or soft or self indulgent, it is being ill.

Goodness knows you would have every right to be any of those things, but you are not. You are ill.

You wouldn't feel guilty if you got chicken pox, or broke your leg, would you? And you mustn't feel that way now.

You are a fantastic person. and a terrific mother. You have had a shitload of sadness, and you are now, as a result ill.

But I know that you have the inner reserves to get better, you have already done the best an bravest thing, and asked for some help.

Sending you all the best wishes in the world.

Poor you but mostly the drugs work so that's great. May be do some other things if you can get up the energy. My brother and sister help people with depression. They would usually try to get people to get out in the open air, take some exercise, even if it's just walking to the post box each day if it's that bad (some people can't get out of bed ever if it's very bad), try to eat 3 regular meals and no sugar and white flour, try to go to bed early.

Most of all keep taking the drugs you're given even if you start to feel better and also keep checking they are working okay. People sometimes need to change them a few times before they get the thing that works right for them. Ask the GP to refer you for cognitive behaviour therapy on the NHS as well.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, YG, but as others say, it's perfectly understandable. Of course you're not a bad mummy; we're all entitled to off times and you have more reason than most. You children will love you, come what may.

I actually think you're being positive by recognising the situation for what it is and taking action. I wish to god my sister, who was widowed three yrs ago, would acknowledge her depression and get help. Thinking of you. X

oh Yorkie

my mother lost a husband when I was a teenager and was depressed too

I do agree that you need someone to talk to - I remember from her counselling (and later from her training as a grief counsellor) that it is often quite a while after a bereavement that people start to really react. She used to work for Cruse in Leeds but I'm sure you already have had some contact with them.

all my good wishes for you

Agree with all the other posts YG. You should be proud of yourself though. You've recognised you have a problem and are taking steps to deal with it, and we all know your a fab mum to your girls and they love you unconditionally sometimes it seems hard to remember that, but its true.
Have you been offered berevement councilling? its helping my auntie no end at the moment.

yorkie, oddly enough i was thinking about you just this morning, how impressive you've been since Nigel died and how it was amazing/a little strange that you hadn't gone really low yet.
you are a strong woman, but now having dealt with everything practical and nursed your children through the first shocking months, you will need some 'yorkie time' for it all to sink in.
that's what happened to my mum at any rate, she sunk after 12 months. she got really low, really sad, and she needed to offload to someone (in her case, a priest) and with some help and time spent on herself she got back on a more even keel.
it's to be expected, sweetheart. i agree with cod, for someone to lose the love of her life and father of her children so suddenly and wretchedly and NOT be depressed would mean that they weren't dealing with it. this is all part of you moving your life forwards, you'll get through.

YG - so sad for you but as other posters have already said it would be very strange if you hadn't hit this blip at some point. You have done so well and been so very strong.

Regards work couldn't you get signed off (at least in your head!) for the rest of the term? It would give you a real chance to get back on your feet. Time for yourself (presumably the dc are in school/nursery) during the last 6 weeks of term and then the summer hols with the girls. By September you will hopefully be feeling strong enough again to get back on the treadmill of teaching.

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hugs sweetheart. Days like this are tough

Oh YG, sorry you're depressed. If there's anything we can do, let me know, even if you just want a chat. You're doing fantastically well you know, your girls are lovely, and we all have days when we're not as patient or whatever with the children - when ds2 is teething I am VILE to them, because they do wear you down. xxx

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Oh Yorkie - don't know what to say but to send you hugs to you & your girls.

Oh Yorkie - the father's day thing hadn't even registered. Pants.

YG I don't think we've "chatted" on here but I know of your circumstances. I am more of a reader than a poster but I wanted to say you have to give yourself some time now and you are a fantastic mother to your dd's - don't doubt that for one minute. I hope you'll start to feel more positive now your GP has given you something.

I have been depressed but my triggers were insignificant compared to yours.

Just carry on being a great, loving mum. Even if it isn't 100% all the time you are the most importanat person to the children in the whole world.

Things will get better

I presume that you have chosen to overlook some challenging behaviour from your children in the weeks and months since they lost their father.

Well it cuts both ways - they will overlook (or maybe even not notice) the times you think you are not being a "nice mummy."