Please help

[kingkax]

Hi am new to this forum. Am going to make it short. Back in 2009 I suffered from severe depression and also started getting disgusting intrusive thoughts about my family mainly my brothers. I was really poorly and couldn't somehow stop these thoughts and put it down to depression after a a year or so my depression lifted and I started feeling normal again. Now all of a sudden I started to think about these thoughts I got back than and somehow managed to trigger it all over again for no reason even though everything is fine in my life but there I go back again. I've been having disturbing thoughts about my brothers which is making me feel very guilty about myself. I love my brothers and we share a healthy siblings relationship. But for some reason these thoughts are overtaking my life to a point where am always crying and don't want to get out of bed. I feel like am going mad and don't recognise myself anymore. I feel useless and hopeless and feel like am never gonna get my normal brain back.!! Anyways I feel so isolated at the moment and please need some advice to what is going on in my head. Sorry I said I will keep it short but just couldn't stop literally in tears now

Thoughts to hurt your dbs?
Have you been the gp for meds?

I’m guessing you’re having intrusive sexual thoughts about them, is that right?

If so then please know that such thoughts are actually not uncommon in people suffering anxiety and depression.
Those thoughts don’t mean you really want to do those things. Getting help for the anxiety and the depression will eventually help those thoughts not to happen.
Honestly, don’t be too harsh on yourself

Yep disturbing thoughts which I would never act on them no way..! I love my brothers so much and the only thing triggered these thoughts was me looking back and thinking about these thoughts when I suffered depression last time. I just feel so guilty and ashamed and I try so hard to block these thoughts out but it's like my brain keeps producing new ones. I just want to get rid of these thoughts so in future I don't have them coz they made me go back into depression.

I've also been to the doctors and we finally settled on fluoxetine 20mg before trying other meds first like sertline which I suffered terrible side effects. Am on day 3 on fluoxetine and side effects are horrendous. I keep telling myself it's all in my head and none of it is reality and it's not my fault but I've fallen into deep stress where I can't even function no more and relying on meds to make me better

Have a look on the mind website about intrusive thoughts ocd. I suffered from ocd since I was a child but never knew what it was and it was incredibly isolating. It's not uncommon, you are not a monster, the fact that these thoughts disturb you so much proves that. Youre probably trying hard not to think those thoughts, but the more you do, the more they will keep coming (it's like telling someone not to think of a white bear, they will automatically then think of a white bear, it's the same with intrusive thoughts iyswim). Please know that you are not alone, you are not a bad person and it is surprisingly quite common. Go see you gp and ask for a referral for cbt, it works very well with ocd. Sending huge hugs

Have you asked for a referral for CBT? It can help you retrain your thought patterns.
Keep going with the meds, the side effects should settle in a couple of weeks, if you find them intolerable then do go back to sleep your GP, they should be able to help you manage the side effects.

Try doing something that helps take your mind off those thoughts when they happen. Going for a run, dance to your favourite happy song, a cross word or even looking at silly cat clips on YouTube can give some relief.

Thankyou all for so much support xxx I've been fine past 7 years no thoughts nothing and now just thinking about the past has triggered them. Am on the waiting list for cbt and it's 4 months waiting time on the nhs. I just wish I had cbt years ago and than I wouldn't have been suffering so much today. Never did I think I would start feeling like this again. I don't know if it's ocd or just me overthinking about the past and how long it took me to recover and making myself ill again. I've got so much anexity and am scared am always going to be trapped in these thoughts. I just wish I could get rid of them forever I just can't seem to cope.

And also I feel like the more reassurance I seek the worse it gets like I get a temporary relief but than the thoughts get worse. Honestly am Constantly fighting with my brain it's like I spend most of my day in bed googling looking for answers seeking reassurance than finding relief than the cycle starts all over again in my head. Just hoping to be free of all this soon and can get my life back xx

Fission is right. Intrusive thoughts are not uncommon when you are dealing with anxiety/depression....the constant googling for reassurance is the obsessive part of OCD which escalates the thoughts. Please don't panic, as they are thoughts we would never think to do in real life. There was a recent thread on MN about a new mom dealing with post natal depression and having intrusive thoughts about hurting her baby. It was so distressing to her as she could never harm her baby irl . They were intrusive thoughts triggered by her pnd.

Therapy is very effective if you are struggling to retrain your brain.

Thank you so much for your kind words 😊It's really motivated me xxxx