Is it normal to feel 100x worse after talking?

[DustyTeapot]

After seriously considering it for 2 years I told about historic sexual abuse.

I thought I would feel relief. I don't.

I feel 100x worse. Details I didn't know I remembered are suddenly in my head. I feel like a locked box has been opened and it is impossible to close.

I can't eat or sleep. Beyond exhausted. If I do fall asleep I wake up after an hour having graphic, vivid nightmares about him.

I think it's a really hard process to go through. Talking makes you have to put your thoughts into words. Emotions get brought to the surface and they are hard to deal with. It's the start of beginning to deal.

I think it's really worth doing but counselling is hard. I think you have to delve into all the crap to deal with it and find a way to process it and move on.

I had counselling for years and after many sessions would often feel crap 3-4 days afterwards.It is emotionally draining. When I felt fine was when I wasn't really opening up and the counselling sessions were just avoiding talking about anything relevant. My counsellor said I wasn't ready and suggested I came back when I felt I was ready.

heal...not deal.

shiny That sounds really hard, please don't feel you have to reply if it is too difficult.

I have been referred but I wasn't even able to say the actual words to my GP, I hinted and she outright asked. Even then I downplayed a lot of things.

I feel utterly vile and like I don't deserve help because I did not ask for help at the time. At first, he helped me with my dysfunctional family life, genuinely did help and was very kind. There was no stranger jumping out of a bush, no masked man on a dark night just a lovely, kind, friendly, well-respected man. The abusive side crept up very slowly and even though he could often be violent and controlling I still thought he loved me.

I have gone right back to using controlling food as a distraction. I don't want to do that but it is my go-to reaction for this. I am counting calories, obsessing over food and over exercising. I wasn't doing this before I told.

That’s actually the major issue/taboo surrounding sexual abuse. Most people (who haven’t been through it) have this perception that it’s always perpetrated by a stranger who comes out of a bush/dark alleyway. The vast majority of the time, though, the abuser/rapist is somebody the victim already knows. Something like 90% of the time.
It’s how abuse works. They play the nicely-nicely card first, to build up your trust in them. Then their true, nasty self comes out.

And I’m sorry you feel this way. Actually admitting it happened must be so hard. It was never going to be easy. I hope things can get better for you.

I'm exactly the same OP. Makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. It's the reason I would never go to counselling. Only ever told two people in real life. That will be it. Nobody can tell you how to deal with something like this, you have to find your own way of coping and living with it. You don't have to tell anybody if you don't want to.

My coping mechanisms were all forms of self harming but I've worked hard to find safer alternatives. Repetitive rounds of solitaire and lazer treating individual leg hairs. I found tai chi a good healthy exercise.

I saw things, experienced things and made decisions as a child. I trusted people who I thought could be trusted. As an adult I see things differently. Most abusers are relatives or family friends that are trusted in general.

Counselling is not going to make it all go away - I thought this is what counselling would do. Instead it makes it easy to let go of the pain and ease the mental trauma. All the energy that get sucked up everyday with dwelling on the past seems to get released and made available for just living and enjoying life.

It takes time. It's hard work but I think it's really worthwhile and we are worth it. I am now much more easier on myself. I do fuck up but I do not beat myself up for it but am gentler and kinder to myself.

I feel like a real person and in touch with my emotions. Before I would hear people talking this way and it would really turn me off - now I get it.

I think you've taken the first step towards healing. Well done.

Thank you. I feel like I've been catapulted back to being 14 again. I wish I had never told.

For me, talking about it gets easier each time. It seems to reduce the impact.

As a 14 year old you weren't ready/capable of processing and moving past it. Now as an adult you may be ready to start talking about some of it.

There are still things I can't talk about - I physically cannot think about what happened. I have tried to force myself to speak about those events but I can't do it. Eventually I hope to be able to but I accept I may never be ready.

thanks

DustyTeapot Thank you for posting this. You've pretty much described me at the moment after finally 'speaking'out about what I have been though (only one person so far), and it leaving me feeling very alone and separated from others who have not been through it.

badger sorry you're in same boat. Only one person knows about me too, my GP.

How are you doing?

I've been give some zopiclone to try and sleep.

I had psychodynamic therapy and after the first six sessions and for the next 15 sessions I cried during and after each sessions. You bring so much you had suppressed to the forefront of your mind and it is distressing. I had to finish going because I was getting nowhere.

Dusty for me its my boss who knows, and she's been nothing but supportive, even though I know that it can't be easy for her to hear about it.
I'm really struggling since starting to open up, too the point that my mental health has taken a serious nose dive (didn't think it could get worse) and I've started to self harm again after being clear for 15 years.

fanta that sounds utterly exhausting and overwhelming.

badger I'm glad your boss is supportive. I know what you mean with the reverting back to old ways issue. I've gone back to troubling food issues.

I decided to try without zopiclone this eve... need to be up for work soon. Ffs

I recommend trying to find a Parks Inner Child therapist as they do not require you to keep talking about your experiences and approach therapy in a different more empowering way.

It's not normal. Some kind of psychological problem. Better to visit a doctor.

Amelia wtf?

@AmeliaAddington how incredibly insightful I am already seeing a Dr as stated in my posts, it was a Dr I disclosed to. And actually it seems from these other kind people's experiences that a period of worsening mental distress is common when first starting to talk. Your contribution to this difficult topic has been invaluable.

Ignore Amelia.

OP in my experience it's totally normal but it does get easier over time. Not necessarily easier to talk about but easier to compartmentalize it and not let it overwhelm you. I was abused and assaulted by a boyfriend and a friend at various different points in my teenage years. It's shit and I lost count of the amount of times I had shitty responses from family, GP and even once a counsellor when trying to talk about it, purely because I knew the people who did it. (I must have wanted it as I was on contraception at the time, if I didn't want it I could've just left etc) I gave up talking about it for a while. I think though if you find a good counsellor, you'll feel like total shit afterwards. I always call it the inevitable meltdown after counselling, but in time your mind processes things and helps you to heal a little. And I also think insomnia is quite normal for those of us who've experienced sexual abuse too. In fact everyone of my friends who I've known have gone through it, have been insomniacs and for most of the us the only way we sleep is through strong antidepressants or antipsychotics (some such as quetiapine are used for schizophrenia in high doses but at low doses have a sedative effect and are sometimes used to treat insomnia if you get a sympathetic psychiatrist).

I do hope you managed to sleep a little better last night

Thanks @PoesyCherish managing to sleep a bit without sleeping tablets, reluctant to take them and get hooked. Food stuff isn't good though.

I am so so sad to read you had such shit responses from people. That is awful. Sounds like I am really fortunate my GP was so kind. I'm disgusted not everyone receives the same kindness!

I'm glad I found this thread, I'm in a similar position. 2 counselling sessions in and I've had a sad, miserable week. I think its normal because it stirs up emotions we have kept locked inside for so long - 20 years for me.

I spent the first two sessions talking around the assault, family issues etc. But am determined to open up at my next session and get through it.