I have just spent my night frantically scrubbing the bathroom to the point my hands are red and covered in small cuts all because my step daughter didn't flush the toilet.
I haven't been like this in a long time and feel like I am on the path to becoming unwell again because this is similar to the lead up of me being very unwell last time and I feel out of control.
I feel so so horrid when I say this but my step daughter triggers me, she forgets to wash her hands after the toilet and doesn't clean her teeth/ has no sense of personal hygiene. My partner tries to drum it into her how important it is to be clean especially as I have a baby. If I see her touching him I wince.
I know this isn't normal at all and feel upset that I've realised this is a trigger for me, but when she stays I feel like the whole house is contaminated and I have anxiety attacks. I lock myself away in my bedroom so I don't have to deal with seeing mess or knowing she's had used the toilet and not washed hands and then is touching everything. It's putting a strain on my relationship with her and I can't help it.
I've had counselling and all sorts in the past. I have recently been discharged from my mental health team as I had a mental breakdown due to having BPD.
Me and my nurse agreed that cleaning is one of my coping mechanisms but I feel like this has gone to far.
I don't want to blame a child who is part of my family but my head is trying to tell me otherwise.
Thanks for reading.