Hi there, I'm looking for some advice or maybe someone knows someone who can help.
I had a bad experience 3 years ago when my eldest was born. He spent time in high dependency after section and was returned to me 30 hours later on the bottle in a babygrow that wasn't ours. He was then brought back and forth from HD for IV antibiotics so I could literally return from the toilet to my bed to find him gone. After that he needed the UV bed so while other mums were in the ward being mums, I was waiting for the next thing to be told to worry about and I suppose I held off on getting too attached to him. Beastfeeding didn't work so he was bottle fed. We were very worried about his weight and were told to keep feeding which we did. This weight monitoring continued with the PHN.
Since then I feel like a nanny could have done what I did with him. I fed him his bottles, changed his nappy and dressed him. I often feel like he's not 'really' mine, although I wear the mum costume and do a good job with him. I don't credit myself for any of his development. At bad times I resent that we're stuck with each other and none of this is what I wanted.
I have another baby now who is 1. She is breastfeeding and I have a connection with her that I just never had with my eldest. She is thriving and I couldn't be prouder of how she is getting on and what my body is doing for her. We've never had to worry about her weight and in my mind WE (me and her) are how it should be.
So there is a huge difference between how I feel about my kids which I know is not right.
I tried a post partum mental health counselling but in the sessions I felt like she didn't really get me (she did try) and the endless talk was just frustrating, getting me nowhere, and making me sad.
I thought this feeling would go away but it's 3 years on now and I'm starting to worry that this is it for us and every day I'm going through the motions with him.
Would anyone have been through this, and did something that worked for them?
I know I must sound like the world's worst mother.