So I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember but I find myself hiding away from how I really feel to please others and I just can't do it anymore.
I had a really shitty childhood that I still haven't come to terms with and haven't dealt with or even know how to get the words out of my mouth to talk it out. I feel like I'm failing my children terribly, my 11 year old daughter is borderline going off the rails her dad has never bothered with her and she feels so hurt at the fact he has 2 other children who he's there for and looks to me for emotional support and I just can't do it, my son 6 hates who he is and wants to be a girl from the age of 2 he's wanted to wear dresses he's even told me with tears in his eyes that he was born the wrong baby and it's my fault for making him a boy. My youngest 4 I don't have a bond with and don't feel like she's my child she was a spontaneous home birth partner delivered her, as soon as she was born he had skin to skin contact with her he wouldn't pass her to me and I didn't get to hold her for the 1st hour she was born until after we had arrived at the hospital and we had both been checked over by midwives, and that was only to breastfeed. I had no say in her name as he was set on the one he wanted to call her, she went 4 days without a name because everything I suggested he would shut down and wouldn't compromise at all. So in the end I felt like I had no choice but to agree with him I still to this day don't like her name I feel like he takes over everything when it comes to her like taking her to the doctors when she's not well or choosing her birthday presents without me. When we found out we were having a girl he wasn't happy at all he even googled ''how to have a miscarriage and try for a boy'' he really took it bad and I was made to feel like I had let him down. I feel like I'm being made to feel I'm not good enough for her or the other 2 children (all 3 have different dads) or is it me? Am I not good enough? I've tried so many anti depressants and none of them seem to do anything for me, I'm trying to take each day as it comes but I don't seem to be getting any stronger should I leave my youngest daughters dad? I feel like I'm not strong enough to, no matter how horrible he is to me or puts me down I feel like he's what I need like he's making out that I'd break and lose the kids without him but then he'll say things like if I was to finish with you I can go buy a nice new car and can have as many holidays as I want and just have nice things. Is the way I'm feeling holding him back? Is he making me worse? Or is it just me, is there something wrong with me and will I ever be ok? I just don't even want to be here anymore I really need some help