Help! Toddler tantrums making me crazy! PPD/OCD

[SarahPatt]

Hello. I'm 22 and I have a 2 year old daughter. I was with the father of my daughter for almost 4 years and then he cheated on me and left me to live with another woman. So, I had to come back to my parents house and I thought things would be just fine in 2 weeks, maybe 3. The deal is that it's been more than a month and my daughter still throws tantrums all the time, specially when my father is at home. She doesn't speak yet, so I basically can't talk to her, even when I try... she only cares about my father and It's making me crazy. Cause their house is filthy and I can't clean it all by myself(cause she is all the time doing wrong things ), and they aren't careful about anything. They don't even wash their hands before they give her something to eat. Since I came to their house she already fell 3 times and really bad, she is all the time putting her hands in everything and then putting in her eyes, mouth...). I have ppd, ocd...so I'm all day trying to clean her hands, and cleaning what I can... but sometimes is just inevitable, like yesterday she was holding my brother's medication (pills for blood pressure) and one of then was opened and it was so fast that I couldn't stop her. But luckily.. I think she didn't put her hands in her mouth before I cleaned it. I spend all the time stressed and worried. I love her more than anything, and I'm so afraid that something bad could happen to her...

But the worst is that I get so frustrated that I can't control her that I end up being rough to her. Sometimes, I pull her by the arms, or grab her arms roughly, hit her. I had problems with that before, when she was a baby there was a time in the month that I couldn't breastfeed her without feeling really bad, so she wouldn't stop crying and I would become really aggressive, and even put a blanket on her face or press her head with my arms (so she could stop it)..it was so impulsive (it was like I was possessed) but then I would realize what I was doing and call to her father.. who left job to help me... I asked him to help me many times (I said I was with a mental illness), but he didn't do much and I was so scared of telling this to someone else and end up losing her. I'm going to a therapist but I didn't tell her everything and my daughter started school this week. But I feel anxious all the time, and guilty. And when she is at home..it all starts again. I'm thinking seriously about leaving her with her father or my parents. I can't take this no more. All I wanted was to be a good mother and protect her. But since when I found out about the pregnancy ..all I feel is that I'm carrying the weight of responsibility on my shoulders, and guilt. I had a really traumatic pregnancy (I spent 4 months throwing up all day..every single day, then after that I started being really anxious and lose my temper)..and her father spent the biggest part of time at work. Anyway, I really need some advice. I really can't see my life without her, but she deserves much better. I'm a terrible mother...a monster. And I feel I don't deserve anything good in life. Help!

Hello OP I didn't want to just read and run, sounds like you are having a bad time of it at the moment, how long as it been since your relationship ended, also is your little girl now at school?

Thanks for reading! My relationship ended about 3 months ago. She only started going school last week. But at weekends is really hard to deal with her. I was living alone with her in an apartment we used to live before everything happened (her father was paying for it) but then he said he couldn't pay for it anymore, and that he was going to pay for her school. But I basically had to wait a month so he could do this (and deal with tantrums all the time and misbehavior while this ). Things got a lot worst after I came to my parents house. I just wish I could find another place to live. But I'm still trying to find a job.

Will living away from your parents make any difference really? Which parts will it solve for you, the ocd?
Because it sounds like you can not cope with your daughter misbehaving and that is quite concerning to read.
I think you need to explain your reactions to a doctor because it is not normal to hit such a young child and grab them with force.

Just read you have a therapist. You should show them this post

I will show to the therapist. And will let my mother help me more with my daughter.

Thank God she is healthy. I never really got to the point of make injuries.. Yeah, I was rough but I did stop all the times before really hurting her, and weren't many times.But still know how wrong it is and I blame myself every single day.

OP are you an immigrant? Your written English seems like it might be by someone whose first language is not English. I only ask because I wonder are you in the UK? Do you have friends?

You absolutely cannot hurt your child.
This is completely unnecessary and unacceptable and you need to be speaking with children’s services if you cannot control your reactions around your child.
I hear you regret it.
I hear you don’t want it to happen.

But the way it rolls off there tongue like it isn’t a big deal is worrying me a lot.

I’m scared for your daughter.