Breaking up with someone

[CatnippDee]

Who has MH issues.

I've decided to break up with my partner today. I can't deal with it all anymore. We have no real relationship.

She has a personality disorder and a history of selfharm.

I want to write a letter and go out for a bit so she can read it and there's no argument and I can say what I need to without it descending.

Is this a bad idea?

DP is that you? Man up and tell her to her face

I'm not a man and she gets very emotional because she has BPD.

I'm thinking if it's in a letter she will be able to read and process it all without being able to twist what I'm trying to say :(

No!

I contacted my husband's CPN and said we were going to need support etc as I was planning to leave. Don't ditch her to read an upsetting letter alone! Especially if she's unstable.

Woman up then. Write the letter and sit with her when she reads it. I have BPD and being left a letter would blow. My. Mind! Do you honestly think she'll be calm when you return?

No I guess not. I just don't know how to deal with her when she starts to go into an episode.
I've tried a few times to end it and haven't been able to because of her reaction.

You have every right to leave your partner. Is there anyone who is a support to her who could be there when she reads the letter/after you’ve told her?

Please don't leave her letter. I have BPD and although I'm at a stage where I manage it well, that would trigger me to a dangerous point. Speak with her. Remember that a lot of her reaction is because of the condition. You're not responsible for her actions and behaviour but at least that gives her a chance to process it with someone and not be alone.

Telling her care coordinator (if she has one) is a good idea or involve a third party.

She has no one.

This is why I'm feeling so bad.

I don't even know where she would go

I sound like a bitch but I'm so miserable.

I've tried for the last 6 month's and I just can't anymore.

You don't sound like a bitch. She's not your/a child and she has to take some responsibility. I know that will be hard for both of you but you need to look after your own mental health.

I'm sure she will make all kinds of threats. At the risk of sounding like a bitch myself, leave her some crisis line numbers and walk away. But do try to speak with her.

Everytime we've had an argument she's ended up at the GPs or calling the crisis line.

I'm scared she will hurt herself but I also feel like I'm being held hostage to her condition and this relationship

Yours not a bitch. You have every right to make this choice. You don’t have to sacrifice your life and happiness to someone you don’t want to be with.

I think you need to tell her in person op.

Well do you have a friend who could be there for you while you do it, and stay with your ex for a little while afterwards?

I think writing her a letter is a good idea but be there when you give it to her. This will enable you to get your reason and what is happening over to her clearly.
You obviously are very considerate of her difficulties and are just trying to find the best way for her.
Could a friend of yours be there to support her after you tell her.
You have done all you can but when it impacts on your health and well-being that's not good for either of you and would in the long term cause her condition to probably worsen.
All the best.

You're not a bitch. But please do let her mental health team know the score so she can be supported.