Never thought I would be posting in this section but here goes?
I have been feeling really low and bad tempered over last few weeks and last ngiht I woke up crying my eyes out after the most awful dream.
I dreamt I accidentally burnt down my local pharmacy (weird?!) actually it was my sister too but everybody ignored her and blamed me. All the staff (who are actual local people who do work in the pharmacy) started telling me how they had never liked me, they like my sister and my DH but that I was a horrible horrible person and in so much trouble. It then somehow changed to my work and it was all my colleagues telling me exactly what they thought of me, that nobody liked me, that I had an awful personality and everyone wanted to see the back of me, that they couldn't understand what my DH or my family saw in in me. I went to a man who I know has always liked my work and he said to me, yes I like your work but personally you have lots of issues, you are clumsy and embarrassing and uncoordinated and uncouth and messy and it is an issue and we are going to have to let you go. It all seemed so real I woke up crying.
Now I know its just a dream but its just so symptomatic of how I feel about myself. I am not from this country and despite being here 8 years I don't really have any proper friends I can talk to or call on. People are nice enough but at the end of the day I am foreign and "different" and don't really belong. Instead I just have to live for the occasional trips I have to my homeland when I can hang out with people who I know love me and understand me and the occasional phone call/email with my girlfirends there. I miss them all so much the longer I am here the worse the missing gets. I have no social life, I never go out, I have nobody just to call for coffee or shopping or whatever. I do have some family here luckily who I am close to but TBH they are the ONLY people who ever call me or see me. I feel so envious when I see english women hanging out with "old friends" I miss that side of life so much and am resgined to accepting I will never have that in my life again. I thought when I had a child I would make friends again but as money issues mean I had to return to work FT afte 6 months that is never going to happen. The few people I do know with young childen do all their socialising in the weekdays, weekends are reserved for time with husbands/partners.
Which is other point. I love my DH very much but things are pretty strained at the moment. We have very destructive arguemnts and often and at the moment its just getting me down. I am desperate for another kid but its not happening very fast, I think I have issues affecting my fertility and DH is not really committed enough to the idea to be supportive he also brings up in every argument that he thinks we can't cope with another child at the moment then later tells me he didn't mean it. He has other kids as well so it is easier for him to be happy with the one we have together. We have had a lot of financial stress as well which doesn't help matters. He has often been working weekends as well so we hardly ever have any time together as a family and I spend my weekend doing things by myself with DD which is nice in some ways but lonely in others.
Work is ok but I don't have any real friends, just colleagues. I did used to have friends here but most of them were foreign like me and have since returned home.
My child is wonderful, I love being with her, I just wish I had more time with her. I am desperate for a maternity leave so I can have that time off with her. Returning to my homeland is not an option. Working part time is not an option (at least not yet). I guess I just want to start feeling good about myself again, want to start feeling like a likeable worthwhile person, not someone who everybody just puts up with but secretly hates. At the moment I even feel like DH hates me and its just so lonely. And feeling low like this is making me act horribly around him so it?s a vicious cycle.
Please someone give me some advice ! How do I feel happy again.