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had a horrid dream, feel so unloved

13 replies

feelingabitblue · 14/06/2007 10:16

Never thought I would be posting in this section but here goes?

I have been feeling really low and bad tempered over last few weeks and last ngiht I woke up crying my eyes out after the most awful dream.

I dreamt I accidentally burnt down my local pharmacy (weird?!) actually it was my sister too but everybody ignored her and blamed me. All the staff (who are actual local people who do work in the pharmacy) started telling me how they had never liked me, they like my sister and my DH but that I was a horrible horrible person and in so much trouble. It then somehow changed to my work and it was all my colleagues telling me exactly what they thought of me, that nobody liked me, that I had an awful personality and everyone wanted to see the back of me, that they couldn't understand what my DH or my family saw in in me. I went to a man who I know has always liked my work and he said to me, yes I like your work but personally you have lots of issues, you are clumsy and embarrassing and uncoordinated and uncouth and messy and it is an issue and we are going to have to let you go. It all seemed so real I woke up crying.

Now I know its just a dream but its just so symptomatic of how I feel about myself. I am not from this country and despite being here 8 years I don't really have any proper friends I can talk to or call on. People are nice enough but at the end of the day I am foreign and "different" and don't really belong. Instead I just have to live for the occasional trips I have to my homeland when I can hang out with people who I know love me and understand me and the occasional phone call/email with my girlfirends there. I miss them all so much the longer I am here the worse the missing gets. I have no social life, I never go out, I have nobody just to call for coffee or shopping or whatever. I do have some family here luckily who I am close to but TBH they are the ONLY people who ever call me or see me. I feel so envious when I see english women hanging out with "old friends" I miss that side of life so much and am resgined to accepting I will never have that in my life again. I thought when I had a child I would make friends again but as money issues mean I had to return to work FT afte 6 months that is never going to happen. The few people I do know with young childen do all their socialising in the weekdays, weekends are reserved for time with husbands/partners.

Which is other point. I love my DH very much but things are pretty strained at the moment. We have very destructive arguemnts and often and at the moment its just getting me down. I am desperate for another kid but its not happening very fast, I think I have issues affecting my fertility and DH is not really committed enough to the idea to be supportive he also brings up in every argument that he thinks we can't cope with another child at the moment then later tells me he didn't mean it. He has other kids as well so it is easier for him to be happy with the one we have together. We have had a lot of financial stress as well which doesn't help matters. He has often been working weekends as well so we hardly ever have any time together as a family and I spend my weekend doing things by myself with DD which is nice in some ways but lonely in others.

Work is ok but I don't have any real friends, just colleagues. I did used to have friends here but most of them were foreign like me and have since returned home.

My child is wonderful, I love being with her, I just wish I had more time with her. I am desperate for a maternity leave so I can have that time off with her. Returning to my homeland is not an option. Working part time is not an option (at least not yet). I guess I just want to start feeling good about myself again, want to start feeling like a likeable worthwhile person, not someone who everybody just puts up with but secretly hates. At the moment I even feel like DH hates me and its just so lonely. And feeling low like this is making me act horribly around him so it?s a vicious cycle.

Please someone give me some advice ! How do I feel happy again.

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feelingabitblue · 14/06/2007 10:20

Going to add that I did have a close friend in the form of my SIL who lived nearby but her and DH's brother have split and the situation is really awful, DH's brother would never forgive me if I met up with her. I now find out that she has re-made friends with the DH's XP. I understand why that has happened and don't really have an issue but they were all going to a party the other day and I was home, I was invited but couldn't go b/c of DH's brother. And now she is friends with my hubbies XP instead of me and I can't blame her. Just feel so exluded and alone.

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HonoriaGlossop · 14/06/2007 10:49

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling...And that's so sad about your ex-SIL, it's not easy to lose a good friend through circumstances like that...

Is it time do you think, for a real hard look at your life? You sound desperate to be at home more with your child. Do you own your home - is there any way you could downsize so that your outgoings lessen and mean that you could work part time? We did this! It can work. Or could you move your mortgage to interest only for a few years?

I just think you need to look at making your life fit YOU rather than struggling on feeling unhappy with it. Working part time would give you that opportunity to meet other people with your dd that you don't get at the moment.

I also think you should share how you're feeling with your DH, explain that this is why you act horribly around him sometimes, and ask him for his help and understanding.

Perhaps you could approach your GP to investigate counselling and/or medication - depending on whether you think you are at that stage...

best of luck. keep posting on here, I'm sure others will have other ideas, too.

feelingabitblue · 14/06/2007 10:53

Thanks

Going part time is not possible. I earn the entire monthly wage right now unfortunately and have a lot of people to support.

We are working towards me being able to work less but its not possible in immediate future? althoguh of course if I have another child I have double the childcare as well so maybe I am kidding myself if I think I will be able to work less in the next couple of years.

Part of the stress DH and I have been under is to do with big risks we have been taking to try and make our lives less dependent on my wage. It involves him working incredibly hard but not really earning month to month.

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feelingabitblue · 14/06/2007 11:21

ps: the mortgage is interest only!

Live in London so life is expensive.

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feelingabitblue · 14/06/2007 11:30

And sorry to be so self indulgent and me me me. I am not usually like this!

posting on my own thread, very sad...

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HonoriaGlossop · 14/06/2007 11:59

If you really can't make any big changes then I think it's little steps to make yourself feel better.

i think the biggest thing probably is pulling back from the conflict with your DH and starting real, loving feelings between you again. Acknowledge how hard life is at the moment, how well you're coping, and give each other a pat on the back. You are uniquely placed to be each other's biggest fan and this can be a huge lift for the self esteem. I think he needs to know how down you feel.

I personally feel that you having another baby at this point would simply add more stress, but then I'm a happy mum of one so you don't have to listen to me on that one As you say though, in ayear's time after the maternity leave it just means TWO children away from you all day when it's hard for you to be away from one. It wouldn't be easy either, with your dh working every day, to cope with a newborn and toddler...

Have you been to mumsnet meet ups? i know they certainly happen in London, and that might be a way of making 'other mum' contact. I'm sure that people do/would do them on a weekend day.

feelingabitblue · 14/06/2007 12:10

Thx Honoria. It helps to know I am not talking to myself

Yes have been to some MN meetups and it does help but they are short and don't know any Mnetters well. I probably shouldn't have changed my name for this really I just hate people to know I feel like this, especially feeling so desperately lonely for friends. Hate to let any potential friends know that this is how pathetic I really am.

DH and I do love each other but you are right we need to treat each other better. He actually just sent me some nice texts saying sorry and telling me we are a team which is nice. He is a good man and under his own stress.

You are probably right about another baby but I love DD so much, she makes life good, not stressful even if I am tired or even if my work has just began the minute I get home.

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HonoriaGlossop · 14/06/2007 12:25

Someone else will discover this soon don't you worry!

Yes, definitely listen to your own heart about the second baby thing. As I say, I'm a happy-with-one person so what do I know

HonoriaGlossop · 14/06/2007 12:27

oh, and I think keep on plugging away and going to things like the meet ups. I have found it's taken aaaaaaaages to get to know the one or two other mums that I do know from the school gates.

feelingabitblue · 14/06/2007 12:39

Thanks again

I think its that feeling that I will never really have time to make true friends again and that people here will never truly understand/like me that?s hardest.

I am someone with lots of close girlfriends albeit most of them are far away, I was a relatively popular person, but for the majority of the past 8 years I have felt like a social leper. Its hard to accept this isit for the rest of my life.

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HonoriaGlossop · 14/06/2007 12:52

This is one of the classic things that we all do when we're feeling down - we impose our current feelings on what might happen in the future.

Please don't think it WILL always be this way! Your situation will change so much, i'm sure; you may end up working part time and having lots more time for yourself, etc. You won't always have very young kids and need to be in every night: sooner than you think, you'll be off out with dh or off to some club or evening class or something. I know this is difficult now, but you won't have kids this young forever.

I've got to go, have been on here far longer than I was supposed to be Will check back later, though.

And unashamedly bump your own post so you get some other replies; better still start a London meet up thread

feelingabitblue · 14/06/2007 14:54

Thanks again and bump for anybody else who has any words of advice or inpsiration.

Have indulged in a bit of retail therapy today, has put a little smile back on my face as have not bought anything for a long time. But its a temporary remedy to my low self esteem right now.

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feelingabitblue · 07/01/2008 12:48

Feeling really rough.

Remembered posting on this board about 6 months ago and searched for the post, how strange I could write almost exactly the sane post again today.

Just feel like a horrible unloveable person. Am dricing DH away with my negativity, I secretly think everyone I ever meet dislikes me, super busy at work but its all a facade.

Still not pregnant.

Maybe I am just a miserable sod and this is the real me. If thats the case then DH is a saint and not sure why he's still around.

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