Just a chat would be nice.

[McHelenz]

Hi everyone,

So I've joined mums net because I'd like to start thinking about trying for a baby but actually I probably would fit in more here...

So my dad died 5 years ago ever since I've been in a pit of sadness and anxiety. I've been on two different lots of medication and currently dont take anything. I've just started CBT and have had 2 sessions, I currently am apprehensive that this wont work.

My main issue at the moment is I just don't want to have sex. Its a massive cycle that I get anxious and sad that I don't make my husband happy then I dont want to have sex because im sad. I can't talk to anyone about it because I feel weird - im 30, this shouldn't be happening.

They've said they think I have GAD and chronic low self esteem. I was just wondering if anyone else has been like this or can offer me any advise? Im really trying to engage with services but I've felt like this for so long I feel im stuck.

Hi,
Can I ask why you feel so bad about your Dad's death ? I lost my father unexpectedly at 24 through cardiac disease whilst it affected me at the time - I returned to normal within about 6 months ? I think the lack of interest in sex is related to your bereavement. CBT is very good but have you had specialist bereavement counselling ? We often get stuck in part of the bereavement cycle and need help to move on . I am a clinician by the way with many years experience in the NHS but now not practicing in this area so this is advice only.Can you find a specialist bereavement counsellor in your area ? See your GP and ask. You need the CBT as well its very good and the evidence is it works.Good luck

@jess975 Im not really sure, he had cancer for 12 months then passed away. Im an only child and had to deal with a lot on my own but I was really close to him so I still really struggle.

I've had counselling before but not specifically bereavement. My local trust wont let me do two lots of therapy at the same time so now I've been pointed down the CBT line thats where Im sticking for now.

My issues are long standing, looking back and talking I've suffered some mild emotional abuse through my teen years and have probably had some degree of depression since I was a teenager thats never been addressed.

I think the sex issue is my focus. it's been 6 years now since we've had a healthy sex life, and im convinced he will leave me if I dont sort this (which then adds to the anxious cycle).

Im currently working through the self esteem workbook that I was advised to. Was just hoping for some others to chat to who may be in a similar position or have used CBT and have had a positive effect.

I didn't think it was that bad I was still sad about it? I just thought it was something I'd always have a bit of sadness about.

I hope I can help - my son has had CBT very successfully. He has been suicidal in a big way - it worked -so keep going xx

*jess975 you got over the death of a loved one within 6 months? Well done but you are in the minority here and most people do not get over grief in 6 months and the tone of your first post implies the op is the strange one for still feeling sad, which isn't nice.

Op - my sister died 4 years ago, I am still miserable. Please do not think you're odd because of how you feel. Although you are receiving cbt for your anxieties maybe you could also look into grief counselling specifically, there are some charities who provide this and you can self refer to them without having to go back to gp.

Thanks @nogodnomasters I was going to stop posting because the first comment actually made me feel worse. It's taken a while for me to post this.

Out NHS trust only recommends one therapy at a time. I think that if after CBT I may go back for grief or even psychosexual counselling.

If I'm honest the sex thing is what is making me feel terrible. However when my dad was ill I convinced myself my husband didn't want to be with me but had to because he was ill, then he died and I believed that he's now stuck with me. I've just got a few things to work through but I just feel pretty weird.

Op - I know how hard it is to reach out so try not to let what pp said upset you. Before your dad became sick did you have a normal sex drive that matched your husbands for the most part? Depression can cause a real nosedive in sex drive and so can anxiety, focus on making your mind better first and your body/sex drive will probably follow. Try to open up to your husband about how you feel, he probably has no thoughts of being "stuck with you" at all.

sorry i was hoping to help -I agree but please do not get hung up on the sex thing - a counsellor will be able to help

Six months is nothing grief-wise. You have every right to feel all the sadness and loss you feel - there is no ‘right’ amount of time.

Is your partner supportive and understanding? About the sex issue and in general?

Thanks, Its been 5 years since my dad died so obviously being told I should be back to normal way before now knocked me a bit, sorry I've avoided this a bit since.

He is supportive yea, but dont get me wrong we have argued about it. There was also a time, about around when my dad died, that I found out he'd been messaging someone else. He'd described me as boring and it was just generally hurtful. I have forgiven him but im struggling to forget.