Can anyone help? I’m so shit at everything and just sitting sobbing rather than doing something to help myself

[BrokenMachine]

I have depression, I’ve had it for 5 years, some times worse than others, well the last few months it’s worse than it ever has been. My dad is schizophrenic, I always worry I’ll end up with schizophrenia too. I’m under a psychiatrist, having CBT, have medication, but nothing is helping, I fall asleep whenever, where ever lately, my head is permanently in agony, I sob, I hardly leave the house, I’m angry, I don’t want to commit suicide because I don’t want it to be another thing that’s my fault but I do wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I tried the crisis team and had a patronising man tell me I need to pull myself together and basically put the phone down, and I now feel even worse but he’s actually right anyway so it’s not his fault.

I'm do sorry you feel like this I don't really know if I can say anything to help but I don't want your post to go unanswered when you sound so down, but do you have any friends who you can talk to irl? Or perhaps give the Samaritans a call?

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this my love. You say sometimes your depression is worse than others and I imagine you are going through a really bad patch, this doesn't mean you will always feel like this. You will get through this.
You have reached out in here, can you call on anyone in RL?
I would advise to make an urgent GP appointment and explain how desperate you are feeling. It may be as simple as changing your meds.
Try the Samaritans instead of the patronising guy at the crisis team (telling you to pull yourself together is not helpful!) they will always listen.

Hey OP, Just popped in for a quick hand hold. I can also recommend the Samaritans, its for times like these that they volunteer.

Really sorry you are feeling this way, I have it very occasionally and I think then it must be awful to live with, so tricky when its your own mind that isn't working so well honey.

I bet you have lots of sterling qualities, its just you can't see them in the mirror right now. Yes - GP visit - you are an urgent case, you are suffering. Let us know how you re doing later xxx

Have a hug, op. (((())))
I am sorry you're going through this.

Are you alone at the moment OP?

Are you ar home?

Do you have DCs in your care?

This made me really sad. I've also had depression and it's an awful awful illness and still so misunderstood. It's not your fault and you didn't choose this. 5 years is such a long time to be going through this. I quite understand worrying bout genetics and schizophrenia too. Honestly what I've seen help the most is simple talking therapy. If you have a GP go to them and ensure they know how you feel and what you want. Anti depressants can be hit and miss. You are not alone although I suppose you feel that way. I have to go now but I'll check in later. Hope you can see a way out and believe me the pain that your suicide would leave behind is greater than any pain you might be in now.

OP if you can get a GP appointment can I suggest you ask for a double slot? That way you won't feel rushed and you can talk things through

Thank you, I will call Samaritans, I just feel so useless, I haven’t even got dressed in 5 days. I wish I could be better. I usually have my DC’s, but my partner has taken some time off work and is looking after them for me, which makes things a little easier. But I have no one else, he tries to understand but he really struggles to see why I can’t just ‘be happy’ I haven’t got much nice family, no friends. My doctors seems hit and miss, only three work there and there’s only one nice one, the other two just brush me off. I know I seem so incredibly stupid feeling so sorry for myself but I just feel so hopeless today.

OP - Are you safe with your DP? Are the children safe with him?

You don't sound stupid. Depression is shit try taking it 5mins at a time. Commit to doing something for five minutes. So the next 5 mins may be you commit to crying or sitting or dozing. Then the next 5mins commit to getting dressed/washing your face etc. Baby steps. Anything is progress. And yes to the Samaritans if you're feeling desperate.

They’re very safe with him, and I’m safe too. He’s just picking DD up from school and taking them to the park for a bit to try to give me some space to calm down, but I’m snivelling, hiccuping and struggling to breathe because I’m such a mess and I don’t even know why. I’m just useless. I wish I could get on with normal life like everyone else seems to.

OP - so sorry for hitting you with these questions, but I’m sure you understand why I’m asking.

Now all these lovely people on MN are right. You need to have a chat with Samaritans. Are you able to get to a phone and speak to them? Everything is confidential and they are trained to help you. Be honest with them and tell them whatever you feel. They will not judge you.

You are not a failure. You are amazing. You have a lovely sounding DP and 3 DCs. You are going to take steps to help yourself to get better. You are courageous and strong.

Make the call now OP.

Are you ok there OP?

I am, I rang Samaritans, I think sobbing down the phone, and offloading a little helped, I will ring the doctors tomorrow and ask for a possible dosage change or just general change of medication. I have CBT Thursday as well, so if I can just get it together until then I can have a small break down while I’m there. Thank you for the help today, it’s really helped.

Good to hear from you OP.

You did a really good thing there. It shows how strong you are.

Write some things down to tell the GP. Show them this post if you want to, but you need to be honest about the sleeping, the headaches and the crying.

Do you think you could eat a meal this evening? Maybe have a cuddle with your DCs and read a book together (not sure how old they are!). Would you like a relaxing bath before bed? Allow yourself to be proud of the steps you’ve taken today. Find some compassion for yourself.

Keep posting if it helps OP.

OP, you sound really brave. Well done for taking those steps. Glad your DP is being a good support whilst you need it. Just doing one thing in a day is a positive act. Getting dressed and making a phone call are like climbing a mountain when your mind is full of stormy weather. Depression is not your fault (I have CFS and have 2 good friends who have episodes of depression so I know about body and brain 'weather'), you are absolutely doing the best you can.

Keep posting here, let us know how it goes with GP. Take someone with you if you can who can help advocate. Its easy to minimize things at the docs and they need to understand how much this is causing you grief and that you need help now, today. Press to see the good GP if you get no joy. Thinking of you and wishing you well xxx

If you have a psychiatrist then call for an urgent appointment. I usually do when my bpd declines. She is excellent and helps me. I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Today I made a small but positive step, I got dressed, I walked to the doctors, agreed to attempt upping my dose of medication, walked back. I have tried not to cry too much. I took a book in the bath and had some time to try and not think about anything to do with this. I read a book to the kids before bed, who smothered me with kisses. I’m really trying to take it one step at a time. So thank you everyone. So much(and now I’m crying again!)

Ahh, that's a good day. You're doing brilliantly OP, keep going one step at a time and you'll be amazed at how far you get. Baths are good and books are good - both very life enhancing (as are bedtime stories and kisses) xxx

passes box of tissues

Well done OP it sounds like you've done really well today.

I'm not sure how this will be taken but I'm going to give it a shot because it's really helping me at the moment.

After repeated bouts of depression and an all time low this year I've found a 12 step program. It's called ACA (for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) you may not think this applies to you but there are many who go who have not experienced any issues with alcoholism in their family yet because of other problems their parents suffered (mental health problems) they find themselves in similar circumstances in adult life with coping mechanisms that leave them depressed.

Meetings are held all over if you ever feel up to going to one I can vouch they are a safe place to share how you feel and gain support without judgement.

If you don't feel up to going to a meeting you may identify with the 'Aca traits' called the 'laundry list' which is available online and you will find a lot of information there. There are also podcasts.

Unfortunately many doctors are not aware of it and it's not publicized very well but it all stems from AA, Al-Anon groups.

Take every day as it comes, you're doing really well.

Hi OP, how are you doing today?

How are things OP? x

So sorry, BrokenMachine. Depression SUCKS, I've been there. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't incredibly stupid. It's not even stupid. You're a human being, not a machine - and don't even machines break down sometimes? I've been told 'pull yourself together' & 'can we have a smile now please' so many times. People who say that have NO IDEA.

Have you ever read 'Day of the Triffids' or seen the film? It's a post-apocalyptic story in which almost everyone in the world has gone blind & two sighted people, Bill & Josella, are trying to survive amongst marauding gangs & total downfall of civilisation. And at one point, Josella bursts into tears, tells Bill it's all hopeless, there's no point etc. And then her reaction is, "I'm sorry Bill. Self-pity. Revolting. It won't happen again." Which is about as clear a statement of belief in the virtue of the classic, British stiff upper lip as you can get. And it's total bollocks.

Like, just how bad do things have to get in the world before a person is allowed to ditch the stiff upper lip and have a bloody good cry? And so many people still impose this ridiculous standard of behaviour on themselves - and on others. They're so frightened of emotions they want to keep them in, and yours too.

Seems like you've been through a lot. Why shouldn't you cry when you want? It's not stupid, it's natural when you've been so hurt and it helps. You could ask, why have humans evolved the ability to cry? Because it helps us survive in difficult times.

Everyone's depression is different so I can only say talking therapy is the only thing that's helped me. CBT in particular has had a bad press lately but what do journalists know? It's the 'behavioural' bit that seems to make them think it's about training people out of their problems, like Pavlov's dogs. In reality, CBT helps you look at your beliefs about the world and the people in it. What do you believe, and why? Could other things be true? I can't imagine an effective talking therapy that doesn't address those questions. So go to CBT and talk, talk, talk. Cry when you need to. And simply turn away from any 'pull yourself together' merchants. They are ignorant and frightened and they can't help you move towards self-knowledge and courage. Hope any of this helps. 💐🌻🌷