Keeping up with the Joneses...

[minko]

Dunno why but I feel really low today. I have a friend who I have seen a bit of recently and I suspect she might be the cause of it. Whilst she seems a nice girl (I haven't known her long), she does mention money an awful lot. She recently had their house valued at over a £million so she tells me, and it's all about private school as it's best and gym membership and beauty treatments that I just can't aspire to as we can't afford it!

I seem to have a few friends like this and I just always end up feeling like I'm lacking. Sometimes everyone seems to out for themselves and selfish. I'm not particularly materialistic but more and more it seems that other people really are... Does having children make people more selfish. All this keeping up with the Joneses makes me want to run away and live in rural Wales or something where it doesn't matter!

I have two lovely healthy children a caring DP, a nice (modest!) house, and we're off on holiday soon but still feel low. I just don't know what's wrong with me...

Seems to me like you need different people around you at the moment. Be friends with me instead - I (mostly) don't give a stuff about vanity or consumerism, almost never go out (yep, I'm just so much fun ) and then it's to free things like my reading group, absolutely can't afford private school or gym membership... after a few mins in my company you'll realise how urbane and slinky you are.

having children make some people more competitive ime. where i live it's all about which car you drive, where your child goes to school, how much your flipping house is worth.

i can see the 'normal' people moving away because of the hike in house prices and it's so sad.

i always think people that are sort of materialistic are quite dull people.

People that feel the need to place a monetary value on things, or brag about how much they own/spend etc are usually insecure.
You are not lacking in anything, and you know that.
You need to find friends that you enjoy being with though, not ones that bring you down.

Minko your friend sounds like very hard work, god knows its tough enough raising a family without someone banging on about how lucky they are!
Hope your holiday gives you some breathing space to think without the nagging 'm richer than you' voice of your friend. its a shame that competitiveness can ruin something as lovely as having little children. Nor sure people like this are worth being around?

minko - I really understand how you are feeling.

You have soul and obviously think about life, so can see beyond the whole materialistic thinking of some people.

Try and make friends with more like minded people, one's that are interesting and inspiring, not boring and mundane.

It's weird, it's quite a subtle thing. Whilst you might be chatting about quite innocent stuff, these materialistic things get slid into the conversation. It's always afterwards that it plays on my mind.

Maybe it's where we live - Surrey - but it is all about your car, your house, your holidays and it makes me a bit sick.

This weird insecurity reminds me of when I was a hormonal teenager. These days I am generally quite confident and secure, but hanging out with mummies is like being back at school!

Minko I am SW London/Surry borders and you are right - alot seems to depend on house prices, the type of car you drive and how often you ski. I have found a few friends like me who can see beyond that and I tend to stick with them - it's a shame this has happened to someone you were close to.

Its horrible isnt it how things do change after babies, in this materialistic way. I have a very tight brief on new friends after being around someone like this, its not good for the soul (as tnogu said). Its pointless and a bit destructive imo
There is a modern popular philoopher who talks alot abou how status anxiety can make seemingly well off people very unhappy. And i dont mean you of course, but in general the need to impress and add monetary details is born from this type of anxiety unfortunately.

i hear lots of conversations around here of that type also!
Some people are insecure, unhappy and feel they can be above you just for the very reason of it. Don;t think they do it to make you feel bad necessarily but to make them feel good.... if you know what i mean!!

Minko, I have a lot of v wealthy friends. One in particular stands out; she sounds v similar to yours. She spends money like water - she's an SAHM with a nanny and a cleaner, she will blow my DH's monthly salary on a piece of furniture (on impulse), she will spend #50 on a cardigan for her baby. She always seems to be buying stuff. I do find it hard to cope with as DH and I have to be really careful about our money and it's been getting me down recently! I do try to see through it and see her for who she is though and for not what she has. There's no way in the world I could compete with her financially or materially so I don't even try. I steer the conversation towards other things!!

Pull yourself together, minko!

Talking about money is a dull, crap, vacuous thing to do. There are people who know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. It doesn't sound like you're one of them ... so please don't feel down about it. Seriously, she's the one with the problem.

I would imagine it would be very easy to rise above a woman like this!!

So start rising ...

Thanks for that good slap Desi!

I've just been wondering what motivates someone with a house that is worth more than 3 times someone elses to go on about it to them... Is it malicious? Is it just blatant showing off? Is she insecure enough to seek out people less well off to feel superior?

I'm feeling paranoid that I'm just being used! But at the same time I like her and her kids and she seems to like me and mine...

possessions are nothing

you cant take it with you when you die.

minko - I had a similar crisis of confidence recently. Have been visiting old friends, many of whom seem to be doing far better then us financially. Big houses, flash cars, expensive hols etc.

We made a conscious decision a couple of years back to avoid the rat-race to a certain extent. We could have moved to London and found v well paid jobs, but decided that the most important thing to us was for DH to spend plenty of time with me and the children. I wanted to look after the DCs in their preschool years. The only way to achieve this was a) to live in a fairly undesireable and therefore cheap(ish) area, and b) for DH to continue in a job which isn;t paid megabucks (but also doesn't demand mega-hours).

It did scare me a bit to find that our former financial equals are now generally far wealthier than us but after a lengthy chat with DH am now again reassured that really we have a fabulous quality of life. The friends I'm thinking of work such long hours, and the DHs generally don;t see their babies during the week at all.

Who knows, when we're all fifty and our friends have retired and we're skint and still living in a hovel, maybe we'll regret it, but my gut feeling is that we're doing the right thing for our family at the moment.

We frequently do the Welsh hermit fantasy thing too by the way . May be we should set up a commune!

It sounds like you have a friend who, in all other respects, you like ... except in this one, rather large, respect.

I really have no idea with drives people to brag about money. Perhaps they're not aware they're doing it, (God knows, enough people on MN seem to do it!), and it's probably true that she'd be mortified if she knew that her comments made you feel ... unsettled.

Maybe the way forward is just to blank her whenever she mentions the cost of something. Silence can be a very effective way of getting your point across

Yes try silence. Then let me know how you get on. I would love to know the secret to getting braggers to stop bragging