Partner support (or lack of)

[brainache78]

I have had non-reactive clinical depression since my early 20s. That is to say that I have coped with a lot of crap in my life and sailed through, yet every now and then - completely out of the blue - I will be floored by what feels like a lead weight attached to my stomach that drags me down, prevents me from doing anything at all and makes my emotions impossible to deal with. I cry, become paranoid, feel guilty, beat myself up about not having my shit together...all on a life-long cycle.

Anyway...

I am medicated and have had therapy from both psychiatrists and psychologists and that does help, but the meds are the things that keep me normal.

I have had relapses since that first one. And again - nothing causes them. Life is good, but I come crashing down anyway. It usually takes an adjustment to my meds and a couple of weeks to adjust and off I go again.

I am having a bad time.

It started about a week ago. I could feel it coming on. I was teary, irritable, paranoid and finding every day tasks nearly impossible.

I told my partner (of 5 years) that I was having 'a wobble' and that I'm off to the doctors, but I may be a bit tricky for a while. He has been through this with me before. We don't live together.

Anyway...this is where it gets difficult.
He is not helpful at all no matter how much I explain that I'm not rational, I'm not being deliberately annoying, I do need more reassurance than usual and I just need a bit of love and cheerleading for a bit.

What I get is logic. A telling off for not getting to the doctor sooner, quizzed about what he has done to make me feel so clingy and insecure (I always answer 'nothing. It's irrational, i can't help it, but I need you to be strong for me right now because my anxiety is eating away at me. And I'm sorry it's inconvenient.'

He makes me feel so much worse that I want to avoid being around him.

I have friends who are wonderful. They text a couple of times a day to say 'are you ok? Do you need anything? We love you and we're here for you.' And I appreciate that more than I can express. I want it from DP though, and he refuses to give it.

I am aware I am being selfish, self-centred and annoyingly needy. I do. I hate being like this. I hate being irrational and having a messy head.

But I know what helps and what doesn't - and he makes me feel worse. So what do I do about it?

If I tell him I want to be alone and not see him for a week I will have to deal with sulking and arguments.

If I go, I will be putting on a front, smiling through the pain and trying to be as 'normal' as I can so as not to put him out.

What do I do?

Has anyone else handled a DP who doesn't get it?

Or am I actually just being a selfish pain in the arse?

My last post killed itself, which is pretty ironic is it not?

This one is a stream of consciousness from the last hour...

Wake up alone. Slowly. Deep dread already taking a hold...

Tentatively ask myself:

'How are you today?'

'Ok. I'm ok.

'Am I really ok?'

'Yes. Today I'm going to be ok.'

'So what do I have to do today?'

'Get the kids to school'

Crying starts. 'Jesus. That's just impossible. How? How can you do
Breakfast and uniforms and school runs?'

Put on 'I'm ok' face. Throw clothes at children, throw food at children, make children brush hair and clean teeth. Cry because I know I have to actually take them to school now.

Put desperate Facebook message on local school page asking for someone to please walk them to
School. No takers. Everyone hates you. You are all alone in the world and no one wants to help you.

Wait until the last minute. Put children in car, drive around the corner, illegally stop outside school gate and throw children out - crying because I am a terrible, terrible person breaking health and safety rules stopping outside the school.

Cry all the way back home.

Climb into bed. I'm knackered.

Brain begins:

' What the actual fuck is the matter with you? Get a fucking grip!'

'Why? What's the point? What is the point of me anyway? I can't even parent properly. Social services should take the children away.'

'This is silly. You have been here before, the medication will kick in, you will be normal again soon.'

'But I will never be normal again. My brain doesn't work. I'm a massive fuck up.'

'Stop being a dick. If you stop being a self-absorbed, self-centred dick head and get a sodding grip you will be fine.'

'I can't even get a grip. I'm so pathetic and worthless I can't even do that.'

'Shut up and stop whining. This is why everyone hates you.'

' I need a wee'

'I'm too tired to go. I'll have to lie here until it goes away'

And that is this morning up until now.

Am I as much of a dick as I think I am? I am worried that my dark side may be right and the world may actually be better off without me in it.

Hi,
I am a bit hesitant to comment because I don't have many wise words or experience that could be helpful but I also really wanted to say that you don't sound selfish, you are struggling and that isn't your fault.

Is your DP supportive generally? It sounds as if he really isn't understanding what you need when you're particularly vulnerable and that must be hard.

If he isn't helping you then I think it's fair enough for you to put a little distance between you so you can focus on getting through it and if he is sulky about that then he's being unfeeling. You have enough on your plate without having to make him feel better.

I'm sending you a big hug.

Thank you, Clambering.
I'm struggling today.
I think part of the problem is that I don't understand why I'm like this, so can't really expect anyone else to get it.

I am very difficult to like at the moment. I am certainly struggling to myself.

But he doesn't need to get it, to be supportive. He knows you so he sees when you're stronger and also when you need more support. And it sounds as if you let him know when you would appreciate a bit more care.

And this is where I'm afraid of talking crap and not helping at all but can you recognise that there are times when you don't feel like this? And even now you are managing with your kids, doing the school run, keeping things together and that is a huge achievement when you're feeling so low.

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I feel like I've been where you are so many times as well... Try to love yourself and be patient with yourself. I know it's impossible but you really don't deserve to think so badly about yourself. I hope the phase will pass soon.

About your partner, unfortunately I don't have any easy solutions. I think some people just don't understand what it's like to feel as you're feeling now. You seem like you've tried to explain yourself to him coherently which is all I could think of suggesting too... I've had partners like that myself and eventually I ended it with them as I didn't feel comfortable around them anymore knowing that they're only okay with me if I'm in one of my good phases. It doesn't have to be like that, there is people like your friends who are supportive instead of judgemental. I'd just concentrate on them instead and not waste energy on him right now.

Be kind to yourself and I wish you lots of strength.

I'm in the same position OP and it's miserable - I sympathise with you. My DH just doesn't 'get it' and asks if I'm feeling better. I explain this illness doesn't have a 'quick fix' but he seems incapable of offering emotional support. I feel incredibly sad and am honestly thinking of ending it with him ...