So I just wondered if anyone could help and possibly ease my mind. On anxiety overload currently.
Bit of backstory- diagnosed with PND after DS was born. Was a traumatic pregnancy and delivery and in fairness not the easiest newborn stage either with him being rushed to hospital a couple of times etc.
I reached rock bottom. I was suicidal. Caused terrible problems for my relationship however there is more to that than just my mental health. Lack of family support or any support network really so was very isolated. Was put on the incorrect tablets and had a breakdown. Never sought emergency care but looking back I should have. I was in a really bad way.
Fast forward 18 months, I had to leave my job due to the depression and having freak outs at being away from my son. People asking me why I had returned to work made me feel terrible, a colleague asked why I returned one day and said "is it because you don't wanna look after the kid?". My other half got a new job and although on a low income things settled down. We struggle with money but we get by as best we can.
Had a bit of a relapse in Jan. Felt my moods suddenly drop. This makes me want to run away. Silly as it sounds. I have nowhere to go anyway, but it is like this instinct inside just says run away now. Was given counselling and really began to feel better than I had in a long time.
I am having another drop in moods now. Just referred myself back to counselling. But I am waking up with the dreaded feeling that I wish I was dead. It makes me feel awful cos I have a beautiful little boy and a DP that loves me. But the moods just come from nowhere. I'm scared because before I went downhill so fast its like I couldn't even see it coming. I get thoughts in my head that I am about to be murdered or killed in some way and they torment me. Then I have dreams that I am dying. I am scared this is gonna push me over the edge.
My question is if I get to the point where I need emergency help, how is that going to look? I have a lovely boy to consider and I am panicking that someone will think maybe I can't cope with my son or am a bad mum. For the record, my mental health has never affected our bond, he literally saves my life daily just by being here. He is not in any danger or mistreated. He is a happy little boy to be fair. Am I just overthinking? I know a mum who is poorly and not at her best is going to mean the child does potentially suffer to an extent, but I try and be rational and tell myself getting help is me trying to help myself which is only gonna benefit everyone.
Just really scared he would be taken away or something?!