I don’t know how I’ve found myself writing on here, I guess I’m just clutching at straws... I am at the point where I just don’t want to wake up any more and my little girl is the only thing keeping me going right now.
I know the ‘obvious answer’ is to see a doctor and be handed a load of antidepressants but it’s not a path I’m willing to take. I am 34 and have had an eating disorder (EDNOS) since I was about 12 but have it under control, I suffer from extreme low self esteem and am currently experiencing anxiety too. My partner is a functioning alcoholic (in denial) and we are constantly arguing/clashing. I love him, probably too much, but I feel as though I am just constantly annoying him. He has three children prior to ours that I adore, but I feel there is a divide between us all which really hurts. He is my best friend when sober, but in a matter of hours all the support offered is forgotten and my faults and flaws are thrown at me. I can’t blame him for my own issues, but his are hugely affecting me and making mine worse... I’ve been told so many nasty things whilst he is under the influence (and he apologises the next day) but they have just all built up and I’m now sat here in tears typing to strangers as I have no one else I can tell. I don’t want my baby to have a split home, but I don’t want her growing up thinking this is an okay way to live... I just don’t know what to do anymore.