I think I need to be admitted to hospital

[DuoChromeBrogues]

(Name changed, hopefully understandably)
Over the past few months I’ve had a really rough run of poor physical health which has negatively impacted my already fairly wobbly mental health.

I’ve recently had a baby and I don’t think that has helped either.

Last Monday I almost took my life. I owned up it last Tuesday and have been under the home team since then. A couple of the people who have visited me have been lovely and explained they will check in with me daily either in my home or via the phone (I know how it works as I’m a HCP and have referred people to similar services several times) every single day and that this was something that generally most people feel done with in about 2-3 weeks but that 6 wasn’t unusual.

Yesterday the social worker who visited me said there was a possibility to send me to a new out-patient psychologist who specifically deals with people with long term pain or illness.
I said this would be something I would be interested in further down the line but that I agreed with the other MN nurses and social workers who have visited that I am still deep in a crisis.
She said that she would like to refer me and thus discharge me from the home visit team - all this despite the fact that I have told her there are some very real periods where I cannot keep myself safe.

The mental health nurse who visited on Monday was very keen for me to go to hospital but now I feel so confused and upset that the social worker seemingly thinks I’m wasting her time and I wants me off her books and referred elsewhere.
She has said she won’t phone me now until Friday and I just feel so abandoned and scared.

I know I can phone at anytime but I’m terrified of her speaking to me, she was so dismissive of what I told her, despite the other mental health professionals being very concerned about the exact same information.
I think I’d like to accept the woman from Monday’s offer of voluntarily going into hospital but I’m a.) terrified of going into a psychiatric ward b.) scared to talk to this woman who was incredibly dismissive.

I don’t even know what I’m asking. I think I just needed to type all of that out.

I'm sorry you've been made to feel abandoned, a specially when you were so brave to reach out in the first place.

I'm afraid I don't really have any answers, but wanted to send hugs and until someone with a bit more experience comes along x

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry youre going through this, and think you're incredibly brave for talking about it and admitting it.

I am by no means an expert, but if you attempted to take your own life just over a week ago, I would have thought the MHPs would want to keep a closer eye on you. I do know how hard it is to make the phone call and say that you're struggling.

Hopefully someone with more experience and knowledge will come, but please keep posting and talking to someone, even if it's just us at MN.

OP these are my thoughts and suggestions only. I think you need to accept the offer if you feel you can't keep yourself safe. If you are referred to a specialist psychologist the wait list could be up to 18 months. Phone the duty worker and don't ask for the person who wasn't compassionate.

I think it's very hard to say. I don't think an inpatient admission or something to be considered lightly, it can be a very difficult place to be, it's not remotely restful and can be very frightening especially when other patients on the ward can be very unwell and disturbed. They can be reluctant to admit in case it risks someone becoming dependant on hospital admission during a crisis (not saying that's what would happen to you). I would phone your crisis team or home treatment team or whoever you trust the most to listen to you. Good luck.

i actually found periods in hospital very helpful.

i was away from the stresses of ‘real’ life and it honestly wasn’t remotely scary. it can be annoying having to ask for your phone charger, or your razor to do your legs in the shower, but the ward i was on was clean and safe and while a lot of staff were agency, there were always nurses on shift.

there were 10 rooms each side of a communal area - male corridor and female, but eating and social spaces were mixed. there wasn’t much therapy on offer, but i did feel safer there than at home, and at least i could just tell staff if i was feeling frightened or unsafe rather than the endless telephone tennis trying to speak to the crisis team from home.

do you have a care co-ordinator? or a psychiatrist who could help you make a decision?

for me, it was better to go into hospital and take a little while to adjust than to try and cope at home. i had a 5 week stay in 2012, then another 10 days in 2013. i haven’t been back, but i am seriously thinking about an admission to try and get my meds straight. i’ve done 3 med changes in a year and it has been brutal. i’m up to 16 meds a day now for pain/arthritis as well as my MH medication.

i hope you’re doing ok, OP. remember to use your phone numbers if things get weird. if you don’t feel safe, A&E will have someone from Psych available. being actively suicidal IS an emergency.

if you’re under secondary services, call and speak to Duty to see if they can help you get things straight in your head. hospital isn’t giving up, or stepping into the bear pit. it’s there to keep you safe, which is what you deserve.

remember, you deserve care and treatment. it’s worth you keeping going, even if it’s just half an hour at a time.

i’m all over the place myself at the moment but i wanted to tell you to hold on, because the world is better for you being in it.

I phoned them last night and it was too late for them to send someone out, so someone came this morning.

I don’t particularly get on with this woman, she is very dismissive and gets visibly frustrated if you don’t immediately agree to her advice. I.e. I should just go to bed and stay there - well that seems a terrible idea.

She has phoned my GP to ask him to prescribe a sedative which one of the crisis team will pick up and deliver to me. For which I am grateful.

But I feel so abandoned.

Hi Duo

sorry that things are so tough right now.

Could the feeling of abandonment be part of how you are unwell at the moment? I’ve felt like that at times and looking back now it was all part of being unwell.

Can you reflect on what it is that is leading you to feel abandoned? Someone came to see you today, has arranged for you to get medication to help you manage your symptoms, and for someone to deliver it for you as well. That doesn’t quite sound like being abandoned, to an impartial outsider. I’m not wanting to invalidate how you feel - I believe you feel abandoned, I’m not questioning that - I’m trying to help you reflect on the evidence and work out why you feel like that.

Staying in bed might not sound like a great idea in the grand scheme of getting better, recovering and dealing with life - but is that what you need to do today? If all you need to do today is get through each hour at a time and stay alive, well, staying in bed isn’t an absolutely terrible way of doing that, for some people.

Do you have any support network, outside of the mental health team/social worker? Partner, friends, family? How are you coping with caring for your baby?

You did the right thing to call last night, well done.

You say you've recently had a baby? Have you a health visitor? Or could you phone GP and ask to be referred to perinatal mental health team, if they have such a thing in your area? They might be able to admit you to a mother and baby unit. Sorry if this is u helpful just trying to think of ways you could access some proper support.

Oh sweetheart. I read this and heard the (familiar) voice of extreme anxiety. What you're going through is hard right now. It's not forever though. I know it may seem it. Like this is it. But it's really not. I struggled a lot with pnd. Intrusive thoughts. Dreadful anxiety where I was scared to be alone with my kids. Or alone with myself. I thought, at that time, that that was me. Like I had some kind of darkness. I let it define me for months. I couldn't think straight or normally. I was totally detached. Absolutely terrible time. When I read your post I read some of myself back then in it. Which is why I felt compelled to reply. This is not who you are. Not how it'll always be. Take help. Rest. Recover. Be so f-ing kind and gentle to yourself. It WILL pass and you will be all the stronger for it. You are not alone. I'm a complete stranger and I care and will be thinking of you x

So sorry you are feeling like this.

Have you got anyone that could stay with you or could you stay with someone like your parents with the baby just whilst you get through this horrible thoughts phase. If you've got something like that I think its nicer than going to a hospital would be. If you haven't you might be safer in hospital. I don't really know what they are like though.

It might be worth noting when your mood changes and why if you know so you begin to see what makes you feel better or worse. For me having something to do helps, can be something really tiny but feeling you have done something helps, even if that's watching a film on Netflix. Music / Tv help me a bit. If you are up to it exercise is great. It helps me to think how can things get better and then think about starting to put that in place. I had terrible PND after my children and going back to work part time after cbt therapy was when I really started to feel I was living again. It will get better, just may not seem like that now. I did lots of cuddling my baby too, that's nice. Some of these things you won't be up to now, that's fine, just look after yourself or get someone else too when you can't. Take care. 🍰