Feeling depressed at the thought of my future with DP...

[iwouldgoouttonight]

DP and I have been together for about 4 years and have DS (10 months). After DS was born the stresses and lack of sleep took its toll on our relationship a bit, but I thought things should be getting back to normal a bit now. But I'm just feeling depressed about mine and DP's situation. He is self employed and spends most of his time working - his job means he works mainly evenings and weekends. I work daytimes during the week so it feels as though we hardly ever see each other. Even when he doesn't have a job to go to he still sits at his computer doing admin stuff so we rarely do things together. It never occurs to him to plan anything for us to do as a family - I've just had to nag for ages for us to go away for three nights - he first wouldn't commit to any dates (in case he got a job) and then took no interest in where we were going. Its our first 'holiday' in over three years but it feels as though I'm dragging him along when he'd rather be at home working.

He hardly sees any of his friends any more either because he works every friday and saturday evening.

His plan with his business is to get more and more work (to earn more money) so all I see in our future is us both leading separate lives - it feels as though everyone else looks forward to weekends but I just dread them because my friends are all doing family things together and I'm on my own with DS. I do get out and do things with my friends and family, but I'm always saying 'sorry DP couldn't make it, he's working again'! DP doesn't actually need to earn any more money - I earn enough to keep both of us and we only have a smallish mortgage - and because we never go out or on holiday I manage to save quite a lot.

We've talked about it lots of times and he just says he loves his job (which I suppose I should be glad about because so many people don't like going to work!) and then makes empty promises about we will do something together soon. Which he then promptly forgets about and I have to nag to keep reminding him.

I also have issues with his parents - they are fine but I have nothing in common with them and his MIL is very critical of the way I'm bringing up DS. I realised I've never seen them laugh - they take everything so seriously and I find it incredibly boring and draining being with them. So I dread seeing them every month (they live quite far away so its only every month but we have to stay for a few days at a time) and the more I do the more I see the negative similarities between them and DP. The apparent refusal to have any fun for starters!

I'm now put off having a birthday party for DS because PIL will obviously have to come and I'll spend the whole day feeling criticised and won't be able to relax.

Sorry for the long post - turned into a bit of a vent! Basically I'm just depressed at spending the rest of my life like this. If it wasn't for DS I think I'd suggest splitting up.

Sorry no idea what to say, but did not want your post to go unnoticed.

I'm so sorry, you sound very unhappy. Has he always been like this, or was there a time when he was more relaxed? When you go to see his parents does he come too or is he busy working then as well? Once a month sounds a lot to me, perhaps I am wrong about this but I don't always see my own parents once a month and they only live an hour away. If your MIL is critical of the way you bring us your DS I'm not surprised you don't enjoy spending time with them.

Does your DH really know how unhappy you are? I know you have talked about the specifics of the situation, but have you ever told him what you have written in your OP - that you are so unhappy that you have contemplated splitting up? I would try to do that in a non-accusatory way, as in 'I am feeling like this, I would like,' rather than accusations etc. Try to keep calm (hard I know) and describe your life to him in the same way that you have done to us. It might make him realise that this is not just about how you all spend the weekend, but about your future together.

Sorry this is so long, I hope I haven't been insensitive. I'm sorry if this is waffly! Best wishes.

Thanks lizyjane - I think I do need to speak to him more about how I feel about the future - he doesn't know that I've comtemplated splitting up - I want to talk to him now rather than just worrying but I'm at work and he's working every evening now until sunday so we won't get a chance to talk properly until after that.

He goes to his parents too - that's the only time he'll cancel work.

When I first met DP he was doing a 'normal' 9-5 job (we met at work actually) and we used to do lots of things together both as a couple and with mine and his friends which I really enjoyed. He'd also do spontaneous things, eg, he booked a holiday for our first christmas together. That part of why I enjoyed being with him. But now its almost the total opposite - he will never do anything unless I practically drag him out of the house, and then it always feels as though he's itching to get back to work. I know his work is important to him - but I'd have hoped me and DS were important too and that he'd want to spend time with us, not just do it because he feels he has to. I don't want to give him an ultimatum or make him choose - I'd just like more of the old DP back. We're hardly speaking at the minute because I've started to resent how he's making me feel.

Yes, ultimatums are a bad idea because they put people on the defensive. If he used to be more relaxed then he can be again. I think any conversation would have to be along the lines of I feel. Perhaps he has no real idea about how unhappy you are, it is terribly easy to get into an entrenched way of behaving that is unhelpful to a relationship. Does he have a problem with the fact that you earn enough money to keep you both? He might not acknowledge this even to himself, but some men might find this difficult and it could explain why he feels driven to work so hard.

Also I do feel that if he can take time off to see his parents once a month he should be spending more quality time with you. Parents are important but not as important as making his immediate family happy.

Perhaps making a definite arrangement to talk and then initiating a conversation which is not accusatory would be the best way forward. Starting by telling him how important he is to you etc rather than weighing straight in with the problems might mean he would listen without getting defensive. Think hard about what to say beforehand, so you are prepared when he fobs you off with the usual excuses, but try not to be confrontational. You are not unreasonable in what you want out of your relationship, he does need to change.

xxxx sorry long again! Hope I don't sound bossy, this is just my ramblings...

Iknow how you feel my husband has just been renovating a house for over a year working 7 days a week for 6 months of the time. It is now complete but he still continues to work long hours and he doesn't need to. I have managed to get him to go on holiday which is a minor miracle. I hope you sort out I suppouse you have to try and focus on the positive things in the relationshipand try and compromise in the provlem areas?