Can too many awful things happening be too much

[colouringinpro]

I don't know how to keep going. The last six years have been a nightmare. OH very depressed, company I co-built taken apart after sale. OH manic. DD badly injured. OH very determined suicide attempt. Sectioned. Sad kids. Buried father-in-law. OH major psychotic episode. Sectioned. Post traumatic stress. Sad kids. Dd and Ds under CAMHS. Buried mother-in-law. Felt like we were climbing out if the abyss and then very recently OH brother took his own life Everyone devastated and for me also a Load of bad memories and emotions. And I'm struggling to think straight. And i spent today counting down the minutes. I just want to go to sleep

[spinabifidamom]

Seriously you’ve been through the ringer. I recommend seeing a therapist or counsellor in your area. Are you married or not? Is it possible to move out for a while? Either way you seriously need space to clear your mind.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Once in a while go to a cafe or empty coffee shop for some much needed downtime and talk with a close friend. What about the gym? Have you been diagnosed with mental health problems or not? Some professional help with that can really help. Take time off work.

[erinaceus]

Sending @colouringinpro. Sounds as if it has been a hellish ordeal. How are you doing today?

[colouringinpro]

Not well. Waiting for my GP to call. Have dd home on inset day all bright and bubbly and I just want total silence

[colouringinpro]

Saw amazing GP. Signed me off work next week, and just need to ring her to get it extended.

She is an ace human being. So full of compassion and sense and support.

I asked her if in her (25) yrs as a GP she'd come across many families who had experienced so much trauma in a space of 6 years. She said we most definitely made it into the top ten, and higher.

Weirdly this is consoling, I feel so totally dreadful because this is so totally dreadful.

[colouringinpro]

Ds doesn't want to go to school tomorrow says he's found it so hard being sad at school and crying. 1% of my sympathies, the rest says nooooooooooo!!!! Go to school and leave me in peace. Dd has been off on an inset day and although she's lovely I just want to be left alone! Almost no time to myself at all since this happened and it's driving me fucking insane!!!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I had a close relative who was bi polar among other things. In the end you have to separate the illness from the person otherwise they can drag you down.

Probably not explaining it very well

In the end I went NC. Whilst those that were left behind were dragged into the drama and in the end had their own MH issues to deal with.

You have been through a lot but a lot does stem from your oh. It looks like he has brought a lot on you and now has started on you DC.

What issues were there that both sons attempted/succeeded in suicide

[colouringinpro]

Sorry to hear that oliversmum

Yes OH's mental illness has seriously brought me down and damaged my own mental health.

He grew up in a family where no emotions were expressed. Pleasant was all. Plus a father who was obsessed with the cost of everything which definitely contributed to his brother's Massive (and totally unfounded) anxiety re money.

[erinaceus]

Heya, it sounds as if you are really struggling. I can understand how the kids want to be at home too after all the traumas. Is there a third option (a friend to come and keep an eye on the kids in their own home for a couple of hours whilst you get some much-needed alone time, or something like that?)

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I can really identify with the money issue. Counting every penny including a ledger with the cost that each child had cost them financially from birth. Every ice cream, every nappy etc. Cost brought up in any argument or disagreement.

I think for your own MH and that of your DC you do need to go NC or VLC untill he is better. Not only is he bringing you down but he is affecting your DC because he has no filter to his emotions and is passing on his grief to his DC and not protecting them from it.

[colouringinpro]

Oooh that left her sounds nasty .

OH lives separately and to be fair to him is managing his grief well and reaching out to friends and family for support. It's not so much him at the moment, but the relentless trauma.

But having said that since separating I am VLC, and that has benefited my mental health.

[colouringinpro]

Ledger!

[erinaceus]

The relentless trauma is awful. It does sound as if your GP was validating at least and you can get a little space from work next week.

Sending

[colouringinpro]

Thanks so much erinaceus i really appreciate your support. DCs are with their dad today. I have a very messy house and a birthday cake to make go obviously am still in bed. Gettig outing bed in the mornings is so hard.

[colouringinpro]

Looking out the window at the beautiful sun, but can't get myself to get dressed and go out in it or do anything. Made it onto the sofa.

[erinaceus]

I have spent many days doing the duvet thing in my time. I consider getting dressed a reasonably advanced level move, can you try showering and putting clean pajamas on as an intermediate step? In your situation I wouldn't think about baking a cake and would totally buy one but I can't bake in the first instance and some people find it relaxing.

Hope you got some space today

[colouringinpro]

Thanks so much. I did manage to have a shower and text a friend who's having more tough stuff to see if she was free for walk. She was and v pleased as not doing good. So we walked and rambled on and didn't. It was nice.

Had dinner, trying to watch tv. V jittery and agitated

[erinaceus]

Sounds great - well done. Sounds as if you have a good friend to ramble on and with.

Sorry to hear about the jitters and agitation. I hate that feeling, it's one of my least favourite ones. Hope you got some sleep or rest overnight.

[vikingwoman]

How old are your dc, OP? I am so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Keep posting if it helps. We're listening and we care.

[colouringinpro]

Dc are 10 and 13 viking thanks for your post. It does help me feel less pathetic.

Yes erinaceus they're horrible. Have cut down on my already small caffeine intake which made a little difference.

Dr very upset about going to school this morning. Wanted to stay at home with me, feeling low and worried about school. Made her go in, but texts saying she can't do this. So draining. I really don't want to have her at home while I'm getting some breathing space. Gutted we're back to square one with her

[Apileofballyhoo]

I've had a fair amount of shit but not as much all at once. When my anxiety is very high a good cry helps. I find my DS unbearable at times when I'm overwhelmed so I know what you mean. And also can't manage to get things done. Just sympathizing really. I have to stay off the caffeine if I'm in any way anxious too.

I do feel my anxiety is unresolved grief. And that grief mightn't be for a person as such, it could be just for sad things that happened me, because life became so much harder than I signed up for. I don't know if that makes sense.

More for you. I wish I could help.

[erinaceus]

That sounds tough RE your DD. I wish I could swoop in there and help out.

There are drugs that work specifically for the jitters, but they come with a bunch of caveats and you're best off discussing with your prescribing doctor. I find camomile tea helps, as well.

More

[colouringinpro]

Thanks ballyhoo over the last 6 years I've worked hard to try and remain optimistic about the future, and have celebrated most new year's eve. But now this... not actually OH but still... relentless awful. Thanks for the reminder about chamomile tea, have used it in the past...

erinaceus I'm on a low does of an anti-/anti anxiety which I started after OH major depression and mania 2012/2013. Not a great GP at time. Wish I hadn't tbh. I've decreased dose in between crises but then gone back up. Does ensure I sleep though which is vital.

[colouringinpro]

Dd home. Gone straight to her room. I can't do this.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Colouring, you can, and you will. One small thing at a time. What are the three of you having for dinner?

I drink chamomile tea too. DH recently got some valerian (sp?) tea which is also helpful.

[Apileofballyhoo]

You're just so overloaded. Can you cry with DD? Movement also helps anxiety - your body is full of adrenaline causing the fight or flight instinct. If you move around it will help a bit.