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Mental health

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Original poster

How to help ds with depression

20 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 18/09/2018 11:24

So first off, just to let you know I have also posted in SEN but feeling very low about this so posting here as well for traffic and hopefully some fantastic answers.

Ds is 13 and has autism and anxiety, the last couple of years have been tough but nothing prepared me for depression on top of that. I feel completely useless and redundant. I don't know how to help him and feel like I am losing him. He just wants to sleep all day, managed to get him up at 9 today but he was back in bed by 10:30. He won't talk about it, he won't engage with anyone or anything. He hasn't had any education in over a year and I don't know how to help him at all.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 18/09/2018 11:31

Have you managed to persuade him to see the GP? That's got to be the first step, surely?

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 18/09/2018 11:37

He is already under a psychiatrist but currently doesn't have any appointments. He won't go to where they are and he won't have strangers in the house. The hope was he would see them in school when he was well enough to go back to school. He is on an anti psychotic which has stopped him from screaming/hitting/running away but it seems to have numbed him to everything.

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Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 18/09/2018 12:44

So posting on here so it came up in active for traffic hasn't worked. Where is it best to post and get replies? AIBU seems to have the most activity but not really the right avenue. Sorry to ask just feeling very isolated.

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reenchantmentofeverydaylife · 18/09/2018 13:24

Take heart. It might be that any mums/parents qualified to comment are too busy to read the threads until the evenings. Similarly, any mental health professionals who drop in here are likely to be working during the day.

I'm so sorry to hear of the plight you and your son are in, it sounds very overwhelming. Just wanted to offer a kind word, I'm afraid I have no wisdom in these matters, but I wish you extra strength and hope at this difficult time. Fingers crossed you'll get some support and answers very soon

Stilllivinginazoo · 18/09/2018 13:27

Another one who can't help but am offering a bump til someone with more experience comes along

If he has a school place can they offer any support/advice?does doctors have a well being team you can talk to as things are very hard on you right now?

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 18/09/2018 13:27

Thank you for replying. You are right it probably isn't a very good time for replies. Hadn't thought of that, just needed to vent somewhere rather than snapping at him when I know he can't help it.
Have managed to get him to stay awake by reading a book. He's not dressed, he's not at school or even out of the house but at least he hasn't gone back to sleep again.

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Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 18/09/2018 13:31

Stilllivinginazoo- he has a school place but hasn't been for nearly a year. He is meant to be having a trail hour tomorrow, no idea if he will go or not. I think the depression is a result of not doing anything for so long and feeling detached from everything. I'm hoping that slowly going back to school will help with it. The school support as best as they can but don't really know what to do either.

I'm not sure if our doctors do have that, I will try and find out. My GP is great and checks on how's things are going. Realistically I just really want a break, I gave up work last October and feel like I have been trapped in this house ever since, if I feel like this I can't imagine how much worse he feels.

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stayathomegardener · 18/09/2018 13:38

This is probably a drop in tho ocean so please don't be insulted it will at least lbump your thread.

Could you try more fresh air and exercise?
A puppy to walk.
Hot holiday?
Skateboarding?
What did he used to enjoy?

I would certainly get vitamin D in tablet for as when I was deficient I could have easily sunk into a depression as I felt so dire.

It sounds very tough on you.

Rebecca36 · 18/09/2018 13:41

Having an animal to care for as stayathomegardener suggests is a very good idea. Many autistic people are able to love and care for a pet. It might work, of course if it doesn't you will be lumbered so you have to be prepared to love it.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 18/09/2018 13:48

He has a pet cat which he loves and when the blasted thing is in I can normally get a positive response out of him but the darn thing loves being out and about. I think he would respond well to a dog but the rest of the family are really not dog people and if he didn't connect with it it seems really unfair on the dog.

He ran out of multi vitamins last week so that's a good shout, will stock up on more when I can get out.

We can't go on holiday abroad, ds will not allow anyone to take his picture so no passport. Managed a holiday in this country last month, some good days but mostly just battling to get him to leave the lodge.

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Stilllivinginazoo · 18/09/2018 14:05

My son has anxiety and it's very hard keeping routine running.i recently got him an insect adult colouring book(he's 12 btw) ...just an idea if he is up for that sort of thing
Yes please investigate what's out there to keep you well.im lucky our church has start to run a well being cafe-community told many places have them now.just a space to have quiet time,offload worries and colour and do jigsaws in a place where you can chat if you like and be silent if you don't.not for everyone but I like it.and j took D's today and he sat quietly colouring for a while there(anxiety causing issues at school so waiting appointment see head of year and keen to keep him doing stuff or he has habit festering in bed)
I'm sorry school have no useful suggestions.deffo keep up the multivitamins for him.x

Rebecca36 · 18/09/2018 16:06

Thank you English Rose. It wouldn't be a good idea to get a puppy if you have a cat. The cat would probably leave home too.

Can you not get away without your son, leaving him stocked up with food in the freezer, etc.

I honestly don't know what you can do about him but he is an adult and you need a break from him. Carrying on as you are is enabling your son in a way.

HollowTalk · 18/09/2018 16:11

He's 13, @Rebecca36!

KOKOagainandagain · 18/09/2018 18:38

English - my son is autistic and has related anxiety. He has been out of ss school since 14, he is now nearly 18. I'm afraid the anxiety is life-long. It is not like 'normal' time-limited anxiety. It is part of the autism. Parents with anxious NT DC will struggle to understand.

It's not temporary - sorry . He needs to learn coping mechanisms and you need to learn coping mechanisms (rather than hoping he will return to school and then things will be better).

Cope in the present and then make plans for the future based on current success. It can get better but it may be hard slog over a long time. That's why you need to take care of yourself. You need to take care of yourself to be an effective carer over the long-term.

KOKOagainandagain · 18/09/2018 18:50

Practicalities - does your son have an EHCP? My son has a personal budget with direct payments which allows us to fund 20 hours home tuition which provides much needed structure. Does he also get DLA? Again this can fund support. If he has medium or high rate care you can get Carer's Allowance. There should be a local parent carers network that can give you support. You can ask for a carers assessment via your GP. There is support via Facebook that is online but also can direct you to local RL support.

KOKOagainandagain · 18/09/2018 18:53

@EnglishRose1320 - just in case you missed this

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 18/09/2018 19:15

Thanks for the replies. Today I managed to leave him for 15 mins to do the shopping but that was it. Yes he does have an ehcp but it is still at the draft stage, waiting for a few more experts to update their sections. We get dla and carers and they just about cover how much more expensive his diet it (pre packaged so people can't tamper with it) and sensory okay clothing, bamboo etc.
He also gets direct payments but currently doesn't have any external support, we are on a waiting list for a local company. He did have some support over the summer, we employed somebody privately but that broke down when he kept smoking on the job/not engaging ds/laughing at ds' sensory needs etc. The break down with the relationship with his enabler has definitely increased the anxiety and reluctance to leave the house.

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Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 19/09/2018 07:53

Any tips on how to get him to leave the house on time today, he is meant to be doing a trail hour back at school and it feels like an awful lot is riding on this going well. I'm feeling incredibly stressed about it.

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KalindaBlack · 19/09/2018 08:11

Hi there, I do feel for you OP and just wanted you to know you're not alone in this. My ds (15) is autistic and has severe social anxiety. He is under CAMHS at the moment and I think it's helping . He does go to school, thankfully, but spends all social times in the base with his headphones on, music really calms him.
We also have dogs, which he adores. They do keep him calm. I would love to get an autism dog for him, but that's not within our budget.
We don't have direct payments for him as he was seen to be coping, but I disagree, and I'm hoping at our next review I can get them back for him.

It's heartbreaking seeing them suffer like this. The world is such a confusing and stressful place for them. Social rules that make no sense, people not understanding them.

As for today, you're just going to have to be as calm as possible, gently encourage him out. If it doesn't happen today, keep calm so he knows he's not in any trouble, and suggest with him to rearrange another start date, try and give him some control over the situation, he can say when and what time etc. Some of the problems is their feeling of lack of control of their lives and this world.

Sorry for the long post, and best of luck today.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 19/09/2018 08:51

Thanks, I think you are right the key is staying calm which I seem to be getting less good at not better. I think the trouble is I know how close we are to this school not working out and I know the pressure on getting it right this time. Also I feel like I have cabin fever and just need him to do something so I can get out, which then feels cruel because if he isn't ready he isn't ready.
Music is great isn't it, ds mostly walks around with headphones in. I shall make sure the school know he will need them. Thanks

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