At rock bottom

[cantttakemuchmore]

Can anyone talk.

Been at breaking point for a while now and I've hit a wall. I absolutely hate myself and my life.

I see people all around me who love life and are suffering terrible diseases and I just can't help but wish it was me. I wish I could just die.

I know this is irrational. I know I have my whole life ahead of me. I know it'll pass. It's just in these darkest moments I just wish I never existed.

Anyone up who has been in this place?

Please call crisis team, this is exactly what they're for.

You're not alone in feeling like this but you won't always.

Have you felt like this before? If so what helped?

Please be strong. If things get tough going please call the samaritans.

Please don't take this the wrong way, because it might seem like a glib offering, but it's what sprang to mind when I read your post. Have you heard of survivor guilt? I ask because you mention being surrounded by people whose lives are threatened by illness, and imply that you're not good enough to have the relative health you have. Thing is, logically the two aren't connected but for some reason your mind is making a sort of conditional relationship between your (apparently) greater chances of survival, and a moral obligation to be happy about and grateful for your life.

It's really important to examine that perspective and understand the fallacy behind it. You're you, doing what you do with what you've got in a way that reflects how life has impacted upon you. And also, in a way that is the sum total of an inestimable number of variables unique to your situation in time and space since conception. No-one has the right to judge how life has 'taken' you and what you're able (so far) to make of what you've got.

Basically, ease up on yourself and forgive yourself. It's not easy being you and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Be kind when you can. The rest is just gravy

Just realised I probably misunderstood your post. Seems like you're saying you envy them because they're probably going to die soon, and it seems ironic that they love life while you hate it but are relatively healthy.

Ask them, if possible, what they love about life and if they had to learn to live and love it in spite of difficulty. Self-hate cripples us to the extent that we might as well be dead, but we're not. Total paradox! I'm really battling it too. Maybe we can learn something from people who are dying but want so badly to keep living. All I know is, being so down and hard on myself feels like a death sentence. I'm looking for a reprieve, and since the enemy is within, I'm guessing the liberation is too.