Scared of sex and relationships

[BriKelly10]

I think this is the right place to put this (or relationships) but anyway since my last relationship I've not been able to get close to another guy. I think part of the reason is that I'm terrified of having sex again. I had an appalling sex life - he believed that women only needed penetration to get off, and would refuse to listen to anything else. I won't get into it too much, but I ended up with perineal tears a number of times over the course of our relationship which really put me off sex. And he was the kind of guy who wouldn't talk to me or message me or anything until he wanted to have sex, and when he wanted it he'd do anything to get it, and then once it was done he'd dress immediately and leave. He raped me twice, not in the violent way, but more I'd keep saying no and he'd threaten to not see me again or tell my friends things about me until I relented to a make out sesh or something, and then he'd undress me until it was easier to just lie there and take it. I felt like a hooker most of the time, and after a few months together I was terrified of him. Kissing him, hugging him etc just made me feel disgusted, but I was too scared to leave him because of various things. I guess I had really low self-esteem and I couldn't work out whether he'd actually done things to make me unhappy or whether I was hallucinating them (he would always say I was making things up/delusional/didn't have a sense of humour etc)
He was also quite emotionally abusive, whenever I brought up problems with our relationship he'd belittle me, call me stupid, hysterical etc or make out that I was imagining everything until I got to the point where I didn't know what was real or not.

I ended up getting pregnant twice, despite taking the morning after pill, and miscarrying twice. The second time was at 10 weeks and incredibly painful and I ended up in hospital for about a week, and neither time did he visit or even want to talk to me about it. He threatened to kick me in the stomach until I miscarried if I didn't get an abortion the second time, which was when I finally decided I needed to leave him.

But now, I can be friends with guys and I've been on dates, but I always get panicky and the second the guy I'm dating mentions sex I end things. I'm happier than I ever was with him now I'm single, but I would love to learn how to trust another person again.

Any advice?

Jesus, I imagine anyone would have a difficult time with intimacy if they’d gone through what you have!! Rape, emotional abuse, threatened violence... what a twat

When did this relationship end? How long did it last? Have you ever thought about some kind of counselling? I know it may seem really difficult to do but sometimes just talking about it can help. (Although ignore me if you’ve tried it and it hasn’t worked for you).
It’s a good sign that you feel comfortable talking to men at least.

I think what I would do is take your time and build up a strong friendship with the person you are interested in over time. If they are truly into you then they will wait until you are ready. I'd tell them as well, that you have been through a lot and that you are looking for friendship first really.Then you are being honest and upfront.
If they are a flake or pester for sex or put you down at all or are rude/ abusive then I'd get rid of them early on. Take your time with people, if you don't want sex then you don't have to do it. Also listen to what the guy is saying about his Exs, if he saying that they were mad or stupid etc then you know where things are heading.
I'd also go for counselling of some sort, you could ask the G.P whats available in your area. I'm sorry you have had to go through that, its terrible.

@toffee1000 It ended almost a year ago now. I've been seeing a counsellor for a while but it's not helping at all. I've always had majority male friends (I know what people think about girls like that, but I have great female friends too) but any new guys to approach me even as just friends I get this bad gut feeling about them.
@Rudgie47 Thanks. I'm trying to be upfront, but it seems like every time I am guys immediately think I'm damaged or attention seeking or not worth the effort. Maybe I'll find someone who does think I'm worth the time, but I've had friends and other people take advantage of me when they realise what a mess I am and it's made me really scared to be open with anyone.

That sounds awful, I'm so sorry it happened to you.

Maybe it's worth asking why you want a relationship? What does it mean to you to be with someone? Find ways to meet most of your needs for companionship, fun, confiding etc from friends if you can. I'd also spend a lot of time exploring your own sexuality (I suppose I mean wanking!) to reclaim your body from what he did to you and gain more confidence in your ability to experience pleasure and know what works for you.

I think just looking for someone else to make things better isn't going to work, you need to process all that horrible stuff a bit first and become proud and confident so you will know how to build a healthy relationship.

When you do meet someone you like, I would take it very, very slowly and explain that you've had bad experiences before. If the man is not willing to wait then he's not the right one.

Good luck, you deserve much better than that piece of shit!

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, it's shocking and you've done amazingly to cope as well as you have. To be able to have friends who are guys and actually go on dates is a great start! After what was an extremely emotionally abusive relationship I'm not ready to even go on dates myself, so you've made a massive step! I don't think finding someone who is different to prove that not everyone else is like that is the complete answer to what's happened. I can tell you that the behaviour you experienced is rare. What is most important for you right now is to build your self esteem, so you can be assertive and confident in future relationships. I would recommend speaking to a counsellor or therapist about it. It's obvious to me that you're an incredibly strong person and you have a lot going for you, so you should be able build your confidence based on that! X