I want to kill myself

[tilly1999]

I am 18 years old and 32 weeks pregnant and I want to kill myself. I am terrified and don't want to do it as I know it will harm my baby but I don't know if I can control myself. I have been given a referral by my Midwife to the mental health team for "low mood" but that will take weeks and I need help now. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I don't want to hurt my baby. I have also been self harming over the past few days.

I need help now, what do I do? My mum is asleep in the room next door I'm embarrassed and scared to tell her. Will they admit me to hospital? What will they do?

Pet, ring the Samaritans on 116 123 or email them: [email protected]

They are available 24/7 and can help.

Don't be scared to tell your mum or best friend or midwife how unhappy you are. They'll want to help you.

Are you scared about having the baby or being a mum? Keep talkig on here too.

For some background: I've been feeling very low for the past 6 months or so. I get no pleasure from anything anymore, I stay in bed and cry most of the time, I don't see my friends anymore, I don't shower or do my hair. I feel hopeless

You need to speak to someone as soon as you can. If not your mum then your midwife or another family member. If you can keep yourself safe then immediately hospital admission is unlikely but it sounds like you need more support from your mh team. Please go and speak to someone right now or phone Samaritans. Sending lots of good wishes

I think your mum would be heartbroken to know you are suffering with this alone. Speak to her.
Also the Samaritans as someone else suggested. Make a gp appointment. Speak to your midwife. You are not alone in this ❤️

Have your spoken to your GP about how you're feeling at all? Would it be worth asking for an emergency appointment with them today? I also echo the Samaritans comment above.

Please keep talking here, it's ok not to be ok but please don't feel like the only way is out, because it isn't.

Call Samaritans and call your midwife. She cannot ignore you if you tell her this. It sounds like your depression is associated with your pregnancy and you need support now and after your baby is born.

I haven't spoken to anyone about how I'm feeling. My mum spoke to the Midwife for me because she noticed how low I've been. I'm so embarrassed and I don't know why, I need to speak to my mum but I can't. I'm scared of myself, I don't want to kill myself as I know this will mean harm will come to my baby but I really feel like I'm going to do it

Hello,
Please call your midwife and tell her exactly what you've said here. The wait won't be weeks, you'll be seen inside of about one week with this presentation (by which I mean, pregnant lady, active self harm, suicidal thoughts, anxious about ability to control thoughts). Try to not worry that you'll be judged, or that people will think you're automatically not safe to have your baby. If your mental health is not able to be stabilised by the time your baby is born, and if you and your team think it would be helpful, there are peri-natal teams who work specifically inpatient with mums and their babies (together) until you feel safer and more able to manage. They will also arrange a care package for you of professionals who can work together to help you feel as if you are well cared for. I think you're very brave for talking about this, and hope you can do one more super brave thing and pick up the phone to your midwife today. There may be someone you know who can be with you when you speak to your midwife, but if not, trust that you're by far not the only mum who feels they have no real-life support. With the right help, one day this will all be behind you. This will absolutely pass with the right support, and you'll be on the first step to making decisions that put you and your baby first. Just in case you've got no-one there for you, I want to say that if I were your mum or sister, I'd be really proud of you for acknowledging how bad things are and for seeking help. Big hugs my dear, wherever you are. Now, stiff cup of tea and make that call. Tell them that it is a crisis and that you need help in the next week. Keep telling them that until you find someone who will listen (this can take effort you don't feel you have, but keep insisting you talk to the GP and midwife - no practice reception bullcrap - this IS an emergency and you need and appointment today or tomorrow latest). xxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S. Promise I know what I'm talking about as a professional, but then I'm sure Jack the Ripper would have sounded very plausible online

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Please do go and speak to your mum and call your midwife, OP, and do pop back and let us know how you're getting on.

Thank you so much. I genuinely can't bring myself to call anyone or to speak to my mum, I can't do it. If I have to wait a week to see someone then I know I won't make it that long. I am really scared of myself I'm panicking

Tilley... suicide is a permenant solution to what may be a temporary problem. I promise you wont always feel this way. You’ve done a good job reaching out for help on here, make the call xx

I don't even have transport to get to my GP or to see anyone. There's no point in trying to get help nothing will help me

I was the same with my first, i wasnt aware of prenatal depression then. You must tell your mum talking is the first step the more you hold it in, the worst it will get. I would present to the hospital they can asses you and get an emergency care plan in place for you. My dsd has to go to hospital frequently due to depression even though she she has cahms, they wont turn you away they will help. Please go wake up ypur mum and ask for help its likely she doesnt know the full extent. Sending you best whishes

If you cant talk to mum please just show her this thread. It will be a starting point...

I've been where you are OP, and I know others who have too. Please reach out to someone, whoever you feel it will be the least pressure, I know it feels impossible but you will be doing the best thing for you and your baby by talking to someone. Nothing bad will happen because of it, my friend was sectioned in a secure unit when she found out she was pregnant and got the support she needed to keep her baby and now she has a lovely life with her little boy and is very happy. Your mum will want to help you, and so will your midwife, how you are feeling is more common than you think in pregnancy, it is not your fault and no one will blame you for how you feel or think badly of you for it. The help can only be accessed if you let someone know you need it. It isn't shameful to need help, think how you'd act if your baby was in your position in the future, you'd want to help them any way you could. Mumsnet can only help you so much, you need to tell someone in real life so they can help you access the support. You could also try ringing the samaritans as a sort of practice, then you may see it's not as hard as you imagined. Or write down how you feel and give it to your mum if you can't deal with a face to face discussion. I hope things improve for you OP, I promise you that it can and will get better, you are just poorly and need some help to get started.

Hi Tilly,

The advice from @iamsproutycus above is very good. I can't add any better but just wanted to say that you are doing so well to talk about how you are feeling, and to seek help. It takes a lot of strength to reach out like this. You will get through this. Sending love from another pregnant person struggling with the same feelings sometimes.

I can't speak to her or anyone. Thank you for your help everyone my posts have been a bit pointless

Tilly - is your thinking that you want to die because it's bad right now or are you thinking you want to die forever?

We're here to listen if you want to say more and volunteers at Samaritans many of whom have been in a similar place will also listen to you.

It sounds as though you are concerned about the effect on your baby. Did you want to talk more about that?

I'm thinking that I want to die forever. I don't want to talk to anyone about any of this, talking to Samaritans won't help because I don't want to talk about it. If I wasn't pregnant then I would have killed myself already, I know that if I die then my baby dies and I don't want that

You're saying you've had enough of life but you want your baby to be able to have a life?

Yes

Ok - I can see where you're coming from - everyone should have the right to end their life if that's what they really want.

Your baby is making your decision more difficult.

My middle daughter could be nicknamed Tilly, but I call her Tidy. She's 2 years older than you and still lives at home with me. I would be so upset if I thought she was as distraught as you are, especially as she's sleeping next door to me as I type - I'm in Australia and she's jet lagged from a trip to see her grandparents in England.
I attempted suicide when I was 20. My flatmates came home early from a weekend away and found me unconscious in a pool of my own vomit, poop and wee. I was embarrassed to be found at my lowest but 30 years later, with 3 amazing daughters, I am forever in debt for my friends' change of plans.
It wasn't an easy journey back to good mental health, and tbh I still have low days, but I have never regretted my "failure". As I slipped in and out of rational thought my only desire was to live.
Please call the Samaritans. They are none judgemental, will not contact your parents or local authorities, they will just listen to you. Even if that means being quiet on the end of the phone line while you gather your thoughts. They are there for you and are often a source of great wisdom. They will not contact any other resource unless you ask them to.
You already strike me as a great mum as you are more concerned about your baby's health than your own, but your baby is going to need you to advocate for her (I'm going to call "it" her as I only have daughters). It's frightening waiting for your baby to be born, so many doubts and worries about how you'll manage. Trust me! You manage! My first baby had been born for over 24 hours before I thought to change her nappy! But that was a first and only.
Tilly, so many Mumsnetters are holding you. Take a breath and a step towards help. Call 116 123. xxx