Have name changed for this as some details may be outing.
Just after some advice, really. I have a history of severe depression, often resulting in needing medication. When depressed, I often experience episodes of wanting to disappear. Not suicidal ideation, as such, but wanting to not be here so that other people’s lives are better/easier.
Most recent episode was after the birth of my son, when I was diagnosed with PND, OCD and GAD. This was when I dealt with the most intense need to disappear and actively thought that the decisions I made were harming my child. I got through this, with medication and therapy and was able to withdraw from citalopram last year (after CBT), so, not on anything currently. Not accessing therapy, either (can’t as not allowed to access within six months of previous therapy ending).
However, the past year at work has been awful. Restructuring, redundancy, cuts, etc. Found out who friends are, etc. Found out that pretty nasty things have been said about me, and this explains some of my colleagues’ responses to me. However, I’ve been through this and come out the other side with a job, but on less money. I had a sick note but didn’t hand it in as I truly believed that this was an entirely understandable work stress, not medical, if that makes sense?
For much of this year I’ve contemplated separating from my partner, having asked him to leave for a couple of days after Christmas, due to - well, being a piss poor dad to his sons (I have an older DSS who lives with us). However, I don’t know if this was more him being depressed, too? Or if I thought what he should be doing was unreasonable?
Recently, I’ve had to take out a large consolidation loan, too (unplanned pregnancy and associated costs), so, honestly, am reluctant to separate as then he would be able to walk away from this debt (everything is in my name due to his poor credit when we met).
I’ve noticed, over the summer holidays, a real dip in my looking after myself. If I have nothing planned, I’ll stay in my PJs all day, not wash, etc. Now, honestly, I’m really not sure if this is me sinking into depression, again, or if it’s sheer exhaustion at everything that has gone on? The thought of having to achieve anything for me (I always make sure my DS is looked after/well presented/clean/happy/etc.) just seems to be so overwhelming.
Finally, I’m a severely overweight. I was SA as a child and used food to comfort myself and to physically change my body so that I wouldn’t be ‘attractive’ to the person doing it. I didn’t address this at therapy - every time I try to it feels overwhelming and usually, I manage my emotions around this effectively (I think). So, again, being honest, I don’t know if I’m just being lazy?
Gosh - this is stupidly long! I think I’m asking - is this depression (although it feels different)? Should I restart medication and wait for therapy again? Or ride it out?
TIA