Really not sure which it is anymore.
I have a 1 year old DD, her father was initially supportive when I found out I was pregnant but gradually became more distant, he insisted he would still be in DD’s life and be a good dad. I had a termination booked which I cancelled after we spoke at length where he promised to stick around. I knew I would struggle, both practically and emotionally, as a single parent, and told him that I did not want to take it on.
The reality has been the complete opposite of what he promised - he hasn’t seen her in months and simply doesn’t care at all. I’ve actually recently found out he has a new partner and they are TTC - he has written us out of his life, and only occasionally dips in and out of contact with me just to play games and be nasty. I’m almost certain he gets a kick out of upsetting me.
I know none of this is DD’s fault and I do my very best for her. We have a strong bond, we go out everyday, she has regular classes we go to, healthy meals, and lots of love. I have friends and family who regularly see her and support me.
But despite that, I am miserable. I cannot say there is a single part of the day where I feel happy. On the rare occasion someone babysits DD, I feel happy while out and then feel miserable as soon as I’m back home again. I feel very guilty that I don’t love, or even remotely enjoy motherhood. I feel empty most of the time, I’m bored to tears with the monotony of it, on benefits so have a very tight budget.
I can’t see an end point or things getting better any time soon. Since the end of my pregnancy when I realised I could no longer rely on her father, I’ve been deeply unhappy. I find it so unfair that he can drop his side of responsibility and have his life full of freedom, new experiences etc while I’m stuck picking up the slack. As childish as it might sound, it isn’t what I signed up for, she is as much his child as mine. He doesn’t pay a penny and works cash in hand to avoid paying.
It’s left me physically, emotionally, and mentally drained, and I do often wonder what the point of being alive is to feel this way every single day. I know DD is my reason but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
I feel ashamed to even write this post, but I don’t know if I could be suffering from depression or just not enjoying this stage of my life. 
when I fell pregnant I loved life, had an active social life, was training for a career I loved (had to cancel due to lack of childcare) and now the future looks very bleak. I’m not being pessimistic but there’s is no chance of being able to finish the qualification I was doing due to lack of childcare and I’ve looked at studying part time etc and any maintence loan is taken £ for £ out of benefits making it impossible. Not sure where to go from here.