I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this month. I am convinced I have BPD and have done for many years, finally trying to get help due to it ruining my relationship. A few things why I think I have it:
I have manic episodes. Past 3 days I have non stopped cleaning, cooking, baking, playing with dd. Today I feel dead. I can’t get out of bed, I have a headache and completely feeling depressed. I want to just cry and curl up in a ball.
I spend too much money. I have gotten myself into 6k worth of debt in a year by buying crap I don’t need. I enjoyed the thrill and the rush it gave me. Now I have no money I get anxious thinking about not being able to shop. Same with food, I’m addicted to food.
I get the rage quickly. I could be happy one min the next I’m screaminf, being verbally absuive, stressed and just horrible. I can’t seem to help it and I say horrible things without even thinking about it, like I have to say it!
I have lost many friends because I become obsessive. Like I hate if they have other friends, if they don’t contact me etc, and on the other hand, I also lock myself away and try not to speak to anyone so I don’t get hurt.
I overshare. Husband says I have verbal diarrhoea. I tell strangers everything.
My mum was an alcoholic as a child. Tried killing herded about 20 times. Always in front of me and when we was alone in the house while my dad was working. She would say vile things and I can see myself turning into her. Although I don’t drink. She would say things like “I’m going to be dead in the morning and you won’t have a mum when you wake up” from the age of 7.
I was sexually active from an early age, with a lot of men. Putting myself at massive risks for thrill.
I’m so broken. I can’t see a way of getting better. I can’t see how I’m ever going to be normal?!