Hello and apologies for this being a long post as I want to give a clear picture.
I've had a long history with depression and anxiety, I recall it starting around high school age (I'm currently 24). 2.5 years ago I tried to take my own life, half a year later I met my DH. I was then raped by my then, best friend, Which has given me trouble with flashbacks and panic attacks. I've had counselling through a charity and I generally do quite well now.
DH and I, in past 2 years, have met, had a baby, got married & bought our first home. Its been very quick pace but amazing.
During my pregnancy I came off my meds, there was too much risk of harm to DS from the antipsychosis drugs for my liking. As I wanted to BF I stayed off them when I have birth.
I thought I was doing great. I really had some good support and strategies in place, especially from the counselling after the rape. But I was aware it was all still there, slowly getting harder to hide.
I didn't get help as I felt guilty for not being happy. My life is amazing, I've got it all. But it is a lot. And on top of this all i am currently undergoing investigations for Bowel Cancer.
I feel pathetic and like a failure because I couldn't even deal with the pain from the colonoscopy, it felt like they were tearing my insides out from the inside so they stopped having barely started, but I'm told no one else really experience pain with them. Im still in pain from it.
I went to A&E Sunday night because the pain still hurt. Xrays were done but I was never told of the outcome. I just know an hour after having them done the surgeon discharged me giving me oramorph, codeine and diazapan and told me to wait for a CT scan appointment that I can expect to have in next week.
Obviously i can't drive on those meds and i know that tbh im out of it completely anyway on codeiene so I freaked out about how im gonna lose my new job (that i love) as i won't be able to work! I had a panic attack.
The nurse calmed me down and then wheeled me out of the ward and left me at A&E entrance for my mum to collect me.
It then just hit me, after being awake for nearly 48 hours due to pain, I was so tired and anxiety about work, plus a few issues I've noticed DH been having plus the unknown about the pain i am having etc just sent me over the edge.
I ended up having another panic attack as only way out I could see was collecting the prescriptions for pain relief and ending my life. Luckily a random MET police officer was there and helped me with a reception staff member and I was calmed down and shown some compassion.
Crisis team was called to me and they've said I should sign off work for a while, the home team will be seeing me and social services will come out to ensure DS is safe.
Im freaking out about social services getting involved. I don't know what to expect. Don't they take children away?
I also can't sign off work! I've only had my new job for a month!
I'm also getting grief from my mum. She is saying I'm going to lose my job, I'm ruining my DS' life and I need to get a grip and see how good I have it.
DH is at work, DS is in nursery. Im in pain both physically and mentally and just shitting myself about their visit. When do they even come round? No one has told me that? Trying hard to keep with it.
Sorry if my post is too long, like a rant, and incoherent. Im not very with it when on diazapan.