Sorry this is long, please be gentle as i'm quite fragile and have very low self esteem.
Quick background, I have had ocd,anxiety and depression most of my life. Unfortunately past 3 or 4 years my OCD got out of control, really really bad I was existing rather than living. My self esteem sunk to rock bottom. I had a good friend who I spoke to via text message most days. As ocd got worse I struggled with this as all my time was consumed with ocd. I couldn't concentrate on normal conversations as I was too wrapped up in my own OCD world, it was hell.
I gradually started improving, still spoke to friend but still struggled.
She went quiet for a few weeks, I send her a text and asked if she was ok. She told me I had deeply offended her last time we spoke. I looked back through my texts and saw the message she was referring too. I wasn't sure how she took offence and I tried to explain how I had ment it. She took hours to reply (she knows this would make me panic) I got into a state and started sending lots of sorry messages.
I showed dh the message and asked if I had said anything offensive, I also showed a friend both said I hadn't said anything offensive for her to take the wrong way. When she replied i apologised again and tried to explain I'd be really struggling with ocd and really found conversations hard so If I come across blunt or harsh It really wasn't ment that way. She said she fully understood OCD so she knows exactly what it's like (She doesn't have ocd) I felt a bit taken a back by that comment but didn't say anything. She told me she liked the old me and not the new me. That really hurt as I can't suddenly click my fingers and get rid of the OCD.
We decided to try and make the friendship work. She kept saying let's see how it goes. I felt like I was walking on egg shells the next few months, I tried my best to make conversation, most replies were met with a closed answer. I got really upset about it all one evening and I tried to call her to just speak and sort it out as we'd only texted. She didn't answer and later said it was because she had a migraine. I said I'd ring her the following day, She told me not too as she doesn't do phone calls. ( I've seen her on the phone alot so it was just me she didn't want to talk too). I asked if we could meet, she said yes but then a few days before I checked we were still ok to meet, she kept saying yes and why wouldn't we be and she'd tell me if anything changes. I felt like I'd been told off, that's how she made me feel i dont know if that's just in my head tho or if it was intentional. The evening before we were due to meet I saw the weather forecast was rain and we were ment to meet at a park. I messaged and said can we meet somewhere indoors and suggested some places. She then told me she wasn't meeting me as she doesn't feel were there yet friendship wise. She said she didn't want to stop being friends but basically she didn't want to meet me as she couldn't deal with me as I am now.
I felt stupid and humiliated. I feel like she's never forgiven me and has been stringing me on for months and making me anxious on purpose. I've been so anxious every time I text her, re reading everything, checking my phone every too mins to she if shed replied and wondering if she'd took offence go something.
In the end I said I wanted to be her friend but didn't want to force her to be mine and wished her luck in her new job.
She didn't reply- message loud and clear.
She then kept me on friend on twitter and kept posting how great a mutal friend of ours is. I didn't contact her I thought she'd contact me when she was ready. The suddenly months later she deleted me but not dh (who isn't her friend in rl). I also noticed today that mutual friend has deleted me. She had no reason too as we didn't speak much so clearly the "good" friend must of been saying horrible things about me to her.
It's all trivial I know, but it's really bothering me to the point it's almost 5am and and I can't stop obsessing over it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to ex friend as I know this would cause me more anxiety but I just don't know how to deal with it as it's been months now and I really want to move on and be able to sleep. I feel like I'm a terrible person, why did not want to be my friend? I just feel sad. I've lost friends before but it's not bothered me to this extent.