Worried about counselling and opening the floodgates **TRIGGER WARNING** (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ComeonEyelean]

Hi, I’m a long time lurker on other boards but have never posted my own thread. I’ve been contemplating this one for a while.

I’ll start at the beginning: I suffered SA as a child, which I can’t go into whys and whatfors but it was never dealt with and all brushed under carpet, so I grew up thinking I’d made it up. No one apart from me, my mum and abuser knew and it was never mentioned again.

I saw my dad infrequently throughout my childhood and was adopted by my stepdad. I didn’t really understand this and didn’t want it to happen but went along with it and my mum says I wanted it to happen. I remember it as being quite distressing.

When I was quite young I was poorly in hospital and nearly died. Apparently my mum told my dad to get to hospital and he said he couldn’t make it so she threatened him that if he didn’t she’d never let him see me again (if I lived obviously). He did come but I don’t remember.

Apart from this, childhood was actually ok and I have lots of happy memories (bad mostly buried I guess). I did make a strong friendship in childhood, and I vividly remember that person asking me if anyone had ever touched me where they shouldn’t. This shook me (how did they know???) and of course I denied it.

Went to a good school and got good grades. Stepdad left when I was about 15 to start a new life with another woman. My dad splits with his third wife around this time and I start seeing a bit more of him, and he and my mum become good friends and remain so. Also during this time my abuser admits what they did and that they are so very sorry, it had happened to them yada yada...I find out that a few family members were aware of it in the early days and that because I still have a relationship of sorts with the person, they question if it really happened. To be honest, it’s all fragmented and I don’t know what did or didn’t happen.

Childhood friend then admits that they too were a victim of horrific SA (now I know why they asked me when we were younger ) and so starts their slippery slope into depression, drug abuse, promiscuity & unplanned pregnancies and has culminated in them being unable to work, and on a cocktail of meds that could actually cause serious harm if not taken correctly. I did tell them that it had happened to me and they said they knew (I guess they could spot the signs??)
This person can’t offer me much in terms of a two-way friendship, but I enjoy spending time with them nonetheless, because I feel comfortable around them, but I don’t feel I can call them up and offload because I don’t think they’re in a place where they can deal with that.

My partner knows bits but we don’t talk about it. They can’t get their head around it and I just can’t talk about it without shaking uncontrollably. It doesn’t affect our relationship.

One of my siblings has recently been diagnosed with a personality disorder and most of my family have struggled with depression or bad MH in some form.

A few years ago I was feeling overwhelmed and my GP put me on sertraline which for me, were amazing. I just didn’t think anymore! However they made me put on weight and my GP said eventually they would lose effectiveness and pushed for me to have councelling, but I declined as I had a brief period in my teens and it did nothing but uproot a load of stuff that I never actually plucked up the courage to admit to before they said “Right, that’s the sessions done, off you go.” I explained this to GP and he agreed that support in MH is shocking but that I need to get to them bottom of why I feel like this. I know why, but I can’t talk about it, so I weaned myself off ADs and have largely avoided GP.

It might me worth noting that as a teen and young adult I was always going to the doc because I thought I had a serious illness of some sort. I loved the idea of breaking a bone and laying about having people look after me! I’ve never broken anything!! I have had migraines since childhood and these have changed in severity throughout my adult life. I am thinking that some of how I feel is down to these as they currently present as severe tiredness, tearfulness and feeling like I want to cut everyone off and then on to the headache/numbness/nausea the next day. Once it goes the fog lifts a little, but the thoughts still creep in.

I’m worried that if I have counselling and tell someone that they’d want to take it further and drag up my past which means people finding out and people not believing me and I just can’t deal with that. I’m happy to talk about it to someone impartial if it helps me but I don’t want it to be discussed outside of those 4 walls.

Part of me feels I’ve buried this for so long I’ll just carry on, but this isn’t doing me any good. It’s seeping in to my work life and affecting my home life; not because I have flash backs or anything like that, but I’m walking around with this ‘woe is me attitude’ and I feel like I’m taken advantage of and used. For instance, on my dad’s side a child had similar illness that I’ve mentioned and all I hear is how poorly they were and how they’ve really had to struggle to get through uni and work and I find myself thinking: ‘What about me? Don’t I matter then?’

Me and my dad have been getting on great the last few years but just lately, his own ‘woe is me’ has really started to grate on me because I think ‘you don’t know the half of it’ but how could he? It’s not his fault what happened and I don’t want him to have that kind of guilt in his old age.

Now my sibling has a MH diagnosis and is getting therapy and I think: ‘Here I am, with nothing, just getting on with it.’ At work I just feel too dependable and unappreciated and I just want to signed off sick like everyone else seems to be.

I’ve never felt suicidal or anything like that, but I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my life hiding from things that make me anxious or scared and just playing it safe because that’s within my control.
I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone that isn’t going to have had my problems but 10 times worse, or just will simply understand me.

I’ve made a GP appt for Thursday but I’m worried I’m just wasting his time, as if I don’t go and have counselling I’m not helping myself am I? I’m worried about how this kind of thing will affect my friendships and relationships, or any children I may have if it all comes out.

Sorry, tried to keep brief and to the point without being identifiable, but trying not to drip feed.

I didn't want to read and run but honestly don't know what to tell you.

Therapy of any kind does open up the floodgates a bit. I walked out of my therapists office after session once and straight into the toilets where I cried so much that he ended up coming looking for me when he didnt see me leave and spent half an hour sitting on the floor in the ladies, holding my hand under the door.

They have genuinely seen it all and crying in front of them is not a big deal. You can't tell them anything that would shock them. They legally can't repeat a word of it unless you or someone else is in danger now.

Is that all that's stopping you? Fear of opening a can of worms? Or being embarrassed?

Thank you for your reply. I think I’ve just lived so long with it all and seen how other people have suffered that I just think it can’t be that bad after all, and push it to the back of my mind. The problem is I that whereas I used to think about things momentarily, it now goes round and round for days.

I know I need to confront it but I’m scared that I’ll start opening up and then I’ll just be left to get on with it with when the sessions end.

Would paying for counselling be an option?That way you could go for as long as you needed? Or I think some counsellors do nhs work and private so you could have the initial sessions via the GP and then pay for more if you felt you needed them? If not, please talk to your GP and be honest that this is what is worrying you and preventing you going, maybe there’s something they can do.
I honestly can’t recommend going enough, I know it seems scary to let it all out but I really think if you can do it just for a short time it would have such a positive impact for the rest of your life (and keeping the lid on the can of worms will be affecting you more than you realise, because it’s all you’ve ever known).

I think the fact you have written so much here suggests the flood gates are already open, it’s staying in your head and impacting on your life. This would suggest some support would be helpful and counselling is a good place to start.
Maybe look at survivors trust which covers charities that offer specific counselling and this is not always time limited and often donation based or free. Good luck.

I think therapy does open the floodgates- but it can be done in parts and under some control with a skilled therapist. It's not necessary to revisit trauma straightaway and certainly but against your wishes - but once the curiosity and desire to heal starts it can take you down a difficult but healing path.
Consider discussing it with the therapist st the initial assessment and see what they suggest?
All the best x

Thanks for all your replies, it means a lot. It’s really helped me just getting it out of my head iykwim?

I know bits probably didn’t make sense or seem relevant but it is all what is going round in my head and leaving me the feelings of rejection and not being listened to, or good enough.

I need to get it sorted, thank you again for taking the time to reply xxx

I can't really reassure you as I know that does happen with the NHS when sessions are limited but in my experience the therapists know this is an issue. They realise that the policies are counterproductive and harmful and even once you are discharged they will tell you to call them if you need them. I could call my therapist right now, not just for a chat obviously but if I was in crisis and he would listen and attempt to talk me down or offer comfort even though I am not his patient any more. They won't just ditch you. I can vouch for that. Honestly, I have phoned him in tears an embarrassing amount of times in the last year and never been made to feel like a nuisance.

@didyousee that’s really reassuring, thank you

You really do sound like me with the rejection issues

I hope you get some support as I don't know what I'd have done without him. Probably wouldn't be here tbh.

I’ll let you know how I get on (if I don’t chicken out and cancel the appointment!)

So sorry you're going through all this. I understand your apprehension. I've had quite a bit of therapy and it does sometimes feel like things are worse rather than better because you do ’open the floodgates’ but a good therapist will help you navigate all your feelings and thoughts and make sense of them. You can't put a timeline on it because everyone is different, but in my experience processing your emotions in a safe environment (like theatapy) can be really good and you can find a new peace that at times you’ll have thought would never come. I have nothing but positive things to say for the help I've received so my advice would be to do not but stick with it and ride out the hard stuff. Bottling up feelings isn't really a long term solution, they always find a way of spilling over. Best of luck.

Good luck for tomorrow OP. I hope all goes well.

Thanks for all your support, but I didn’t go
I got a text reminder about the appointment and it wasn’t with my usual GP so I replied to cancel it. I did then download the My GP app but there were only 2 appointments on Monday and I can’t do those grrrr.
I will make another one though! xxx