Is she having a breakdown, or rationally just wants out ?

[brainchaos]

Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry for the long post but don't want to drip feed.

I think my friend might be having a breakdown?

Backstory, I've known that she was "stuck in rut " for a while, not happy doing majority of childcare for her DCs, husband working long hours, while she does unfulfilling part time work.

Now she has suddenly stated that she wants to leave her husband, she's told him she doesn't love him and wants to be single again and feel free.

Her shocked husband has since spent the last two months desperately trying to turn their lives around to sort it and told he'll support her in anything she wants to do find a more meaningful life (together). He's tried to encourage her to look for new jobs/apprenticeships/learning as well as try new hobbies etc but she won't do anything, or agrees to then doesn't get around to it.

My friend has done nothing to try and save her family other than vaguely agreeing to stick around and generally leaving him on tenterhooks about what's going to happen next. Every couple of weeks she brings it up again and says it's over, they argue/discuss for days and then she says she's staying for now and goes back to trying to get on with life.

She has seen her GP and gone on antidepressants but if anything I think she has since become more and more detached and cold towards her husband and her DC.

They've both had individual counselling but none together.

She has always seemed like such a caring and loving person with her friends and family and has been a loyal friend to me.

But her behaviour is baffling and frustrating now, she seems to be in some kind of detached stupor, with her husband and children stuck in torment and getting more and more hurt (the kids are very aware of what is happening).

I think that soon her husband will give up and just tell her to leave and she will have lost so much!

I want to help her before this happens. I must admit that I care about the whole family and really want them to stay together.

So is this a breakdown or just a genuine rational realisation that she wants out and a decision that I should be respecting/supporting?

There's no real way of knowing what's truly going on in her head. Maybe it's entirely logical but you can't know for certain. Whether it's logical or not it's ultimately her choice what happens next. Sometimes a person just has to trust their gut instinct. If staying doesn't feel right then maybe it's not.

My husband recently shared with me that when I was on antidepressants I was detached and distant from him. I was completely unaware and can't even see it now I look back. I'm not saying that's definitely playing a part for your friend but it's just a thought that could be relevant. Medication is dangerous at the best of times.

I think breakdowns aren't the bad thing people think them to be. If someone has a "breakdown" then it's because their life needs drastically changing. Instead of a breakdown it should be called a rebirth. Sometimes we all need a breakdown and a chance to rebuild ourselves and our lives. If it's what she needs to do it's what she needs to do.

You clearly care about her and her family and want to help. Be a listening non-judgemental ear and don't try to fix things or guide too much. She needs you to be there whatever road she decides to go down. You sound like a good friend for that.

Just my opinions anyway :) Hope this is helpful.

Thank you jelly, that really does help.

I am just wondering if she is a step mother? It sounds like the children are her husbands?

No, they are her children. They can be quite difficult and she has admitted that she is struggling to cope with them.

Maybe her breakdown is a result of her lifestyle. Sometimes even when you are depressed you have insight. Or maybe she is just so desperate to feel "normal" again she is looking at something to blame ... her DH and DC...?

Thanks running

What can she do to try and sort this out? Would a life coach help? What about getting expert parenting advice from somewhere?

I'm def going to try to convince to go back to the gp.

Sure she isn't having/lining up for an affair/new relationship with a specific other person?

There has been one significant flirtation but I believe her when she says there's nothing more than that and it's just a symptom of her wanting everything to change.

Having experienced a breakdown of sorts this year, I don't really think there is much you can do for her other than to support her through it.

Have you offered to help her with childcare perhaps so she can get out and do something for herself? Or taken her out for a child free day/night out? These are the things I appreciated the most when I was struggling. Telling her what she should and shouldn't be doing isn't very helpful.

Thanks fatted. She does get quite a lot of social time with friends, especially now with her DH putting in extra effort.

I know I shouldn't tell her what to do but she just seems so utterly lost and confused that I feel like she needs some guidance or positive steps to take!