Depression - not sure what to do

[blablaaA]

I have had depression for the last few years. Sometimes I'm a bit better and sometimes I'm not. I have a diagnosis of chronic depression from the psychiatrist.
I have tried 12 different antidepressants over the years. Either they haven't worked or the side effects were too difficult to tolerate. I have tried counselling and CBT but I didn't really find either helpful.

I have been treated really badly by some of the medical professionals over the years. My psychiatrist was really nice but I could only see them once every six months.
Eventually I gave up and stopped going to the doctors as I realised that generally going there just made things worse. I have not been in two years because I was scared of how it would make me feel and trigger past traumatic experiences with doctors.

However over the last couple of weeks things have got really bad. I have been constantly having thoughts of suicide and even waking up thinking about this. It took all the strength I had to make a GP appointment for the first time in two years. When I got there he said that he couldn't prescribe me another antidepressant as he didn't know what to prescribe with me having already tried so many. He phoned the psychiatrist and has made an appointment for me with them in 10 weeks time. I said to him I appreciate him doing this for me but I don't know what to do in the meantime as I am feeling so low. He said the only thing I can do is go to a&e if I feel at risk and as I had been in the appointment for 14 minutes he needed to move on to the next patient.

I've been in that situation in a&e years ago and all they do is belittle you and send you home feeling worse than you did before.
I just wish there was an antidepressant that could magically make me feel better. I don't think I can wait 10 weeks . I don't know what to do anymore.

I know the NHS is strained but I don't think it's right that people who feel suicidal should have to wait 10 weeks for an appointment.

That A&E thing is such a buck pass as wrll. They do the sum total of fuck all.

I agree. It's just hopeless

I'm sorry. I'm projecting my own poor experience of when I asked for help. Is there a crises team in your area that you can call?

Have you read any books on depression and techniques to try? You could borrow several from a library and see which ones are useful.

I think the CBT technique is about feelings / thoughts / actions all interplaying on each other so the approach involves doing positive behaviours and doing things you enjoy, even if you don't feel like it, as eventually the behaviour will have an effect on your feelings.

My friend joined two walking groups and it really helped her.

That's okay. I have had the same experiences too unfortunately and know how horrible it is to be treated like that when you feel so low. for you.
There is a crisis team but they don't have the resources for depressed people really. It is for people with more "serious" mental health problems (so they told me).
I haven't read too many books in all honesty. I have tried CBT and counselling though. But I could try to read some more books. Thank you for the suggestion.

Sorry about NC fail

Are you doing anything nice tomorrow?

Not planned but think I will go for a nice walk tomorrow. Will be good to get some fresh air.

I did a lot of walking yesterday - now today I've gone the other way and spent a lot of time on my laptop sitting down which I know isn't good for me! I'm supposed to do 10,000 steps a day.

Well done for seeing the Gp that took a lot of will.
Is there another GP in the practice you could see? Even a locum? Your GP is being quite unsupportive - they could have offered that you come to talk to them as needed until you get the psych appointment.

Does your psych or a local one do private appointments - you could see someone sooner and get a script/recommendation for treatment that your GP could process as an NHS prescription. You would need to pay for the consultation.

Could you contact your local Mind? They might have some ideas and info on local support groups and counselling.

I would set myself a smaller goal than 10000 steps - work out a daily timetable with small but positive things and try to do some things from it to fill the day - having a "routine" can help e.g. get up at x time. Have a shower. Walk to local shop or do 20 minutes of exercise, walk in local park etc. Factor in anything you like to do that could be considered self care - read a book - watch x episodes of favourite box set. Make a simple but nice meal. Congratulate yourself for any positives - maybe write them down and try not to think of what you failed to do (if you can - but with depression you don't get to "choose" what you think about).

Keep posting here.

I find that this situation is a horrible one to be in. Ten weeks seems like an eternity when you are feel so low and nothing is helping. I think that the sense of rejection from medical professionals when you already feel awful compounds things somehow? I tried lots of things to get me through it. Eventually I figured out which things worked, and used those. It is awful to go through though and I really feel for you.