Hi MH MN,
You have been very supportive of me in the past.
I am starting to suspect that I might have bipolar disorder. I have had a terrible time with my MH these past few years, and as well as severe depressions when I look back I can recognise periods when I was experiencing what I think might have been hypomania or even mania. I think that one of the reasons this has not come up before in terms of diagnosis, although mood stabilisers have been mentioned, is because when I feel more "up" I tend to think I do not need any help and so am less likely to reach out for it even though people around me did get desperately concerned, whereas when I am depressed I feel desperate and reach out for help from mental health professionals.
I plan to talk about this with a psychiatrist when I next see one. One of my feelings is that if I describe my behaviour when I was what I now think might have been manic to a psychiatrist they will judge me somehow, wonder why the hell I felt/thought/did that/made that decision, and think I am very strange/arrogant/erratic/whatever. The other thing I wonder is - my behaviour was quite extreme at the time, but I also had a lot of external stressors. Maybe I wasn't manic and was just very stressed, and if I was very stressed again I wouldn't react the same way. I find taking medication and sticking to it very difficult, although I am not opposed to it in general, and have found some types of medication helpful in the past - and still do.
One of the reasons I am posting this now is that I feel like I did just before I went into one of these manic periods, and am a little terrified, although at least I noticed it this time. In terms of seeking medical help, I have taken then right steps, but I guess I am feeling ambivalent about talking about this specific concern at a future appointment. There's some sort of logic that goes "as long as I don't talk about this and don't go completely manic again, then I can avoid getting labelled as bipolar" as if such a thing is so terrible, which I don't even think it is. I have met lots of lovely people who told me they have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
Not sure any of this is relatable to anyone? Just writing it down has helped.