Hi all,
I’ve been feeling very lonely lately and it is adding to my depression.
My depression started during summer exams when I was doing my first year at university causing me to complete my degree some 6 years later. It has gotten worse over the years as I feel like a failure for not being able to fulfill my own dreams and targets I had set. I’ve learnt to settle for less but some 9 years later, I still feel the same.
I’m married and have a baby. After 3 years of living with difficult in laws, I’ve managed to move to a little apartment which is rented. DS was conceived using IVF and I am forever grateful to the NHS for helping us. However, I just don’t feel happy anymore.
My parents come from a poor background and they are ageing. They are in their late 60s and live with my sister who is completely dependent on them ( she is disabled). Seeing them struggle at such an age when they should be relaxing makes me even more sad and not wanting to do anything that makes me happy.
Whenever I do something enjoyable I always think about my parents and how they never got to this and they can’t still because of loads of issues.
My husband is okay. However he is hardly home. He’s either working or out with friends. We never go on dates and he hardly spends time at home with me. Sometimes when he is in a mood to watch a movie, it usually becomes quite late e.g 12 midnight at which point I’m knackered and I fall asleep. I’ve told him before that I feel really lonely in this marriage as he is not there for me emotionally. I’ve tried sharing my feelings with him but he is not a good listener. He either pretends he is listening or listens but doesn’t respond to anything I’ve said and tries to change the topic as it doesn’t want it to spoil his mood. So obviously I don’t tell him anymore.
I’ve thought about going to the Gp but I’ve had counselling before and it never really helped me. One day I broke down and just cried and wanted to speak to someone as I was close to ending my life but I keep thinking about DS and how this decision would impact him as I have loads of dreams for him and want to give him everything I can.
I’m not someone who makes loads of friends. I lost contact with my school friends over the years. I had a few close friends in uni but after I left because of my depression, I distanced myself from them because of how ashamed I was. That leaves me with no friends.