Feeling so so low. Please can someone talk to me.

[Horriblegrandma]

I have been really struggling the last couple of weeks. I'm on holiday from work and always go downhill due to lack of structure. As background I have suffered from depression for 25 years since very bad PND. I was sexually abused as a child and my parents still don't know. It was a family member. I've been through two divorces. Last xh was very abusive. I have two lovely dc, one of whom probably has Aspergers and struggles socially.

I have a dp and this is now also going wrong. I have no libido at all and haven't had for years. He's sick of it and wants me to want it but I don't. He feels unattractive and unloved but it's not about that. We still do it but most often is once a week but is often longer between. If I don't do it we will split up. I'm angry with him because he isn't doing much to help with DIY. He says he might feel more inclined if I was more loving towards him and our relationship was better. I can't talk to him about how I feel. I feel desperate. I keep thinking I want to kill myself although I wouldn't. I can't cope with any more pain and am terrified about when the next hammer will fall. I know I'm not strong enough. I continually look at others who've had an easier life and feel so angry about all the things that have happened to me. I feel I've failed in life and worry about everything.

I've been on ads for years. I've had enough. I sound so bloody selfish though as there are people much worse off than me.

You aren’t alone OP, so many people (including myself) I’ve experienced depression and you might not believe me but you can get through it.

I won’t pretend to “know what your going through” as I think we each experience mental ill health differently. I will say that I can empathise with your situation.

Sounds like there’s a lot to unpick here, from your childhood abuse to your adult relationships. Have you considered counselling or perhaps CBT? The mental health charity MIND offer means tested counselling which is available in the evenings so can fit around work commitments.

Your DP doesn’t sound particularly understanding or helpful. At best he sounds misguided and at worst like he’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into having sex. I’ll do the DIY if you have sex with me is not a healthy dynamic.

Do you have any help with your mental health already? Like a CPN or someone close you can open up to?

Hi Everstrong thanks for replying. I am going to the GP next week and will also contact MIND. I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of struggling for so long. There is a lot to unpick. I wonder if I am to blame for the break ups because I struggle with intimacy all the time. Perhaps I should be on my own. Sorry to hear that you've also had depression. It's awful.

I can't offer any words of wisdom, but I'm still up, worrying about stuff. I've had an enforced change of circumstances recently, and any lack of structure to my day always brings me down.
It's good that you have a gp and mind appointments very soon, talking the many issues through will hopefully help you.
Depression is so awful, outwardly you can look like you're functioning, but inwardly is a different story.

Hi Blossom. Sorry to hear you're also not feeling great. I'm amazing at hiding it. Most people I know wouldn't have a clue what goes on in my head. I really don't like burdening people with it. I feel like I've gone through too much and it's not made me stronger. Does that make sense?

Hi OP, just wondering how you're feeling?
I can talk to you but I'm not sure I'll be much help. Here's what I think from your OP for what it's worth.
You tell us about being sexually abused by a family member and your DP's don't know. Do you think that this huge event in your life and not having shared it with someone could have something to do with your depression, because I do. You must feel anger about it, do you still see the family member? Would you be brave enough to confront him and tell him what a low life he is, as the adult protecting that child that was you. That would be massively empowering! Or could you tell your Dp's. Or talk it through with a MH professional. It just might help.
The second thing is, there's nothing worse than having zero libido and being harassed for sex. It just affects the whole relationship, all the time, there's no let up from the thought that you'll have to dtd in a few days to keep him sweet.
And he's not helping with DIY as some sort of punishment or bargaining tool.
I notice you say "helping" does that mean that you are doing the DIY yourself and he's leaving you to it?
You say, that you may end up alone and are fearful of the next hammer blow.
But, you know you would survive, I know you would survive because you just would, to protect those Dc.
Perhaps this is what needs to happen, so that you can stand alone and get away from men taking and threatening you sexually.
You don't need this!
You don't have to do this if you don't want to.
Tell me I'm wrong but if you get rid of the fear of being harassed and the threat you feel is over your head i.e. if I don't do what he wants, he'll leave me.
Well if that's all that it's about with him. Tell him bye bye!

Go get some counselling or tell us on here because we're women and we understand.

OP you aren’t “to blame” for the relationship break ups. When you find someone worthy of you then they will take the rough with the smooth, that’s what relationships are about.

You are a strong woman and deserve a happy and healthy relationship.

How do you feel now having reflected on things over the last few days?