Wanting a baby is making my life miserable

[TeganBrennan]

Please help me, give me some advice or some action to take, because I don't know what to do. I desperately want to have a baby and have for six years but I'm too young, I've wanted a child since I was twelve, but I've always known that I was too young, however now I'm at the age where my friends are starting to have children and it's getting to the point where my everyday life is miserable.

I cry every day, every night, I've bought small pets thinking it'll help, it doesn't. I get jobs trying to distract myself, it doesn't work. I study, it doesn't work. I spend time and money on myself and "try to be young", it doesn't help. Nothing I do helps, I'm so empty and miserable, I don't care for anything anymore.

I'm in a committed relationship with my partner of two years and we've spoken about children and he'd love them! Just not now, which is completely understandable, he still wants to be young and go out and get drunk, and I completely understand, but I don't, and now it's changed from us having a different outlook on our current life to me crying to my doctor because sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off dead than living every day so painfully.

Please try to help me know what to do, this is killing me slowly.

Put energy into preparing for a baby. Think about what you will need (good income, decent home, committed partner) and think of everything you do as getting yourself to the point of being truly ready.

How old are you OP? You probably have lots of time left to start a family. Hope you are ok as it's obviously very important to you.

I'm sorry to hear you are so sad about not having a baby.
Sounds like you have a very big void in your life. I'm not sure if you have suffer many emotional loses. You think that a baby is what you need to feel fulfilled.
Sadly that may not be the solution until you find what's lacking in your life.
Babies are amazing when the time is right but also they are a huge responsibility.
Why don't you try counselling that may help you to understand yourself better.

I try all of that, I've tried therapy/counselling, I've tried preparing myself, nothing helps, I'm just so sad, and I know why, that is why, I have everything in life, I have a sister and two grandparents, I have an education and my health, I'm not suffering in any way besides this. And I'm 18, I know I have lots of time, but it frustrates me to no end when people say 'live your life first, be young' I'm not living any sort of life like this, I've tried getting pissed out of my head, I've gone on vacations, I've gone on trips, etc... nothing makes me happy

Could you get a pet that would give you more feedback like a dog?

Would it help to train as a nursery nurse or early years practitioners and form relationships with the babies you work with? Or you could train as a nanny and do something really important for a baby that way.

I'm a licensed practitioner, so I work with children all the time, and its made everything so much worse, because now I want my own more, and I couldn't, no, no dogs or cats allowed where I live, only small pets.

I think you should try counselling again, as you sound so desperately unhappy. You say you 'know' what would make you happy but this is inhibiting your ability to live your life and it may be about something deeper.

My mum was the same as you. She used to talk about this gaping hole she felt, her life was terrible and she knew that having a baby (second child) would fill it. She tried for that baby for fourteen years, she knew the baby was the only thing that would fill this void she had and once she'd had the baby everything would be better and she could be happy. She eventually had the baby ... and guess what, things were the same. She still had the same hole, only now she had a baby AND she didn't know how to get rid of this void in her life...

I only bring this up because a lot of your language and the extreme way it's affecting your life reminds me of her at this time. I don't think that you don't want a baby, I just wonder if you are putting all your unhappiness on this one thing and actually it's coming from somewhere else

I promise this isn't even about your age - my mum was in her thirties!

Just something to think about, I could be completely off-base.

for you, I hope you find some happiness from somewhere soon xxxxx

Thank you, I'm scared to go back to counselling in case I lose my license, they might label me "unfit" to work with children even though I know I always try my hardest, and I know I'm fit enough, which is why I'm scared to go back. I know I'll always be wonky, as I have diagnosed depression, I always have periods of time where I'm unnaturally sad, but I don't think it's anything deeper, I'm not sure, I couldn't think of anything that would be deeper. I'm sorry your mother went through that, and thanks for telling me her story, it actually helped to know I'm not the only one xx

I'm sorry to hear that about your work, could you really lose your job? Surely going to counselling would demonstrate you were taking care of your mental health? And also, would you have to tell them?

Please think carefully about it, I really think it could help you. Not to 'address the baby issue' but for yourself in general (which hopefully would improve things all round).

I don't think you'd know if it was anything 'deeper' until you'd put a lot of thought/time into exploring it. You have believed that a baby would make everything better for so long reading some random's post on MN won't change your mind!

And again - something to think about, I may be completely projecting from my mum's experience - but now I am older I can see that my mum's parents could be quite cold, and now I wonder if her desire for a child (or rather her belief it would make everything better for her) was more about wanting to be loved unconditionally/compensating for something lacking in her own childhood.

You come across as caring, thoughtful and articulate, you will make a fantastic mum some day. It's just better to begin from a place of happiness! Xxxx

I think that if you go into counselling it is highly unlikely that this will affect your job.

(For one thing, would your employer even need to know?)