BPD, Anxiety, Chronic depression...5 wks pregnant.

[Smafa]

1st post, v nervous, please bear with!

Abused as a child by sibling. Years later raped by abusive XF. Traumatised by termination. Raped by 'friend'. PTSD from being mugged, & multiple assaults at last job (tourist attraction.)

4 years ago made 2nd attempt to leave planet, got sectioned. 375mg Venlafaxine & 250mg Lamotragine a day doesn't exactly brighten mood but seems to balance the crying/self harm/failed attempts at manic positivity & the cold, empty, nothingness of apathy.

I'm 40, married, unemployed & pretty much housebound. No friends anywhere near.

After years of 1-2-1 therapy & DBT etc I'm really trying to move on.

But. Now pregnant, & although v glad - anxiety through roof. Haven't told anyone, except DH. Day/night terrors of MH issues transferring to baby, meds harming baby, older 1st time mum complications (my mum nearly died having me at 40). Want to connect w family but scared of being triggered. V down, v lonely, v unfit, ridiculously weak...body doesn't feel strong enough, & if I fail (as I have w everything else) I dread to think what I'll do. Basically sleeping/hating self for sleeping so much...then feeling so drained from anger at myself thus causing more sleep. To top it all off, hate where we live & cant afford to move.

Does anyone relate at all?
Any mums who conceived whilst on meds? Any BPD mums who learned to love themselves?
Anyone??

I have BPD and although I don't have children of my own I raised my niece. It sounds as through you have experienced a lot of trauma in your life which has no doubt made you a very resilient and compassionate person.
I have had a lot of trauma and found CBT, mindfulness and Schema therapy very helpful. Looking after my darling niece was the best thing for me. Feeling needed and having unconditional love from her made me feel whole for the first time in my life. Don't get me wrong there were days when she cried and I felt utterly useless and horrible but my devotion to her seemed to trump the failure. I also was lucky to have friends around me.I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with your family but I'd try and reconnect at gentle, low expectation pace for some support later.
Speak to your psychiatrist about your concerns and see if there are any groups or talking therapies you can get involved in. Take it a day at a time and if you are like me throw yourself in to learning about your developing baby and creating self care habits. I like projects as they quieten my mind if I have something productive to obsess over. Hope you are ok and speaking to your DH. Take care x

You won't love yourself but you will love your baby and that should be enough for you to not harm yourself whilst pregnant.
After the baby is born your role is to be there and protect, you will be consumed by their needs.
I don't have bpd but have had depression and as horrible as it sounds, trauma will either be all consuming, or you need to move on from it. I know that sounds trite. But it's true-you can't change what's happened. BPD and its emotional instability is selfish and dramatic, but when there's a baby, with insight, you really can change into the mother you want to be. You may still well hate yourself, but you have to love the mother aspect of you, to look after your baby properly.
You can't move. So nothing to think about.
You can't kill yourself. So do something else.
Look at what you can do. Tidy up for 2 hrs, have a coffee, then go back to sleep.
Go for a walk, before you go back to bed.
Get out of your own head, there's nothing to be angry at at the moment. Get out of the house, go swimming, go to a green space. Watch shit tv, buy a new top.
There is always something.
You need to tell the doctor though as I believe some psychiatric drugs need changing or reducing in pregnancy, I think venlafaxine may be one. So focus, just for now on your pregnancy, get some folic acid and get to the doctors. Eat three times a day, go to bed at the same time. Etc.
I do wish you luck for your pregnancy.

Thank you, both, I really appreciate your responses...totally didn't mean to be "poor me" btw, not looking for sympathy but felt I needed to provide context.

I'm hoping to reduce the drugs gradually, & I'm on the waiting list for therapy. Now worried about lack of iron/light bleeding & trying not to panic.

Anyway thank you, very much.